Letting Their Laughs Out

Picture it—it’s Christmas Eve, and Essie and JoJo are sharing a pullout bed in the cabin in the mountains where they are spending Christmas with Daddy and Mommy. The girls are almost 3 and 5—the perfect age for being giddy with anticipation and excitement over Santa’s visit sometime in the night.

The giggles and half-whispers are almost non-stop, so Emma finally intervenes with a firm but gentle, “Okay, girls, it’s time to settle down now and be quiet so you can go to sleep. Remember—Santa doesn’t come unless we’re asleep.”

Essie’s response is this: “Okay Mom, but when our laughs start coming out, we just can’t stop them.” This of course, was followed by more giggling from both her and JoJo...with Emma and Dwight smothering plenty of their own.

Okay, first of all, how do you argue with reasoning like that? On Christmas Eve, no less?

Secondly, we all need to take a lesson from these two. We need to raise our children in an atmosphere that fosters laughter. Our goal needs to be making sure their lives are such that smiles and laughter come often and easily.

There is plenty in this world that isn’t smile-worthy, but your kids don’t need to know that. Not now. Not yet. Teach them stranger danger? Sure, but that doesn’t mean they have to know all the dangers that are out there. Guard their access to the internet? You bet, but you can do it by emphasizing the good instead of the bad. Set boundaries and rules? Absolutely! But don’t smother and hover to the point of crippling them.

What I’m trying to say is that you need to teach them to recognize the bad but focus on and cling to the good. Fill their lives with as much good as possible and don’t ever admonish them for finding and embracing the joy to be had in life. Don’t ever discourage their laughter…except maybe on Christmas Eve so ‘Santa’ can come...and then get some sleep before morning comes.

Love,

Momma D

                          Copyright Darla Noble 2019. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                                 

The 'Real' Santa Knows What Really Matters

Hello! 

After taking several months off to regroup and apply some of my own advice to my life as a mom whose children are no longer children, I'm back. And it's good to be back. Starting in January, I'll be sharing some of what I've learned from other moms like me, through reading, praying, and observing others. 

But because it's Christmas, I want to spend take the opportunity to share some special Christmas thoughts and experiences I've had over the years that will hopefully remind all of us what and who Christmas is really all about. So without further ado...

For several years I had the esteemed honor of taking Mackenzie and Macy to see Santa…the real Santa. Seriously—this guy is the real deal right down to the long white beard and a kind, gentle smile and personality.

The first year Mackenzie was really able to comprehend the whole concept of Santa, though, she said something while we were waiting in line, that reminded me just how important it is we don't cause Santa to give our little ones a false sense of insecurity.

What did she say that led me to think this? Mackenzie said, “Nanna, he’s going to ask Macy and I if we’ve been good, isn’t he?”

“Yes,” I said, “he is. And when he does, you can both tell him you are very good girls because you are two of the best girls in the whole entire world.”

She listened to what I said, smiled and her sweet, sweet smile with a look of relief in her eyes, hugged my leg and turned her attention back to the displays and activities meant to keep the kids occupied while they waited to meet Santa.

Mackenzie’s question wasn’t asked with a great deal of anxiety or dread, but it bothers me that we (we, meaning society in general) have placed the thought in our children’s minds that Santa’s goodness and generosity is performance based. We’ve demoted Santa from the giver of love and good cheer to one who rewards only the ‘good’.

How sad is that! What’s more, if a little child is worried about what a stranger in a red suit and beard thinks of them, what do you think goes through their heads and hearts when you make them feel like they’ve disappointed you and let you down? What impression are you leaving in their tender little hearts and impressionable little minds when you give the impression that your love and respect have to be earned?

Our children don’t ask to be born. We make that decision for them. So the very least we can do is to let them know they don’t have to earn our love any more than they should have to be good in order to have a present or two under the tree on Christmas morning.

Our wait to see Santa was relatively short and both girls climbed up in his lap ready to tell him what they wanted. And you know what? Santa didn’t ask if they’d been good. Instead, he smiled at the girls and said, “I can see you are both very sweet (not good) little girls, so tell me what you’d like for Christmas.”

See, I told you he was the real deal.

Merry Christmas,

Momma D

                                         Copyright 2019 Darla Noble. No part of this can be copied or used without permission from the author. 

                                                                                                                         

Taking My Own Advice

For the past few years I’ve invited you into my life (virtually speaking); sharing with you all sorts of events and experiences that have been my life as a mom and nanna. My purpose in doing so was to impress on you the importance of unconditional love, of not trying to be the perfect parent or raise perfect kids (because neither of those is a real thing), and to remind you just how important and wonderful it is to be a mom or dad. And judging by the number of readers and comments I’ve received, I am humbled and honored to have been able to encourage you and give you something to think about.


But while I’ve been encouraging you, I’ve failed to get the encouragement I need in transitioning from being a full-time hands-on parent to children and teenagers, to being ‘just’ mom to my adult children.


I’ve given you the been-there-done-that insight you need, but I haven’t found someone to do the same for me—someone older, whose children are where I’m at now. And I’ve come to discover that it’s a hard transition to make, and quite honestly, I need to get better at it. A lot better.


In defense of all parents in my position, it’s really difficult to slam on the breaks after spending all those years doing the ‘mom thing’. But difficult or not, it has to be done. So, for that reason I am going to take a break from writing Momma D. Instead, I’m going to focus on learning what I need to learn about being a mom to grownups.


It has been a privilege and an honor to be part of your lives and I’ve had a great time sharing my memories and life-lessons with each of you. So thank you for your loyalty and just remember that at the end of each day, loving your children unconditionally with that ‘just because they’re yours’ kind of love, is what matters most.

Love,

Momma D

NOTE: “Love, Momma D” is still available in paperback, and you’ll still be able to access previous posts on the blog online.

                                        Copyright 2019 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                                               

Worth and Notoriety are NOT the Same Thing

How many vice presidents can you name? How many of the 56 signers of the Declaration of Independence can you name? Can you still sing the song you learned in Sunday School naming all 12 of Jesus’ disciples? If you can, great! But do you realize that other than being named as one of the 12, we know literally nothing else about 7 of them? Do you know the name of the man who built the house you lived in? The names of the Supreme Court Justices?

Don’t worry—this isn’t some sort of quiz. It’s just my way of reminding you that no one’s worth is determined by their notoriety—including your child’s. Their worth/value isn’t based on their whether or not they are popular, their piano teacher’s star pupil, a straight -A student, or involved in every possible extra-curricular activity. It’s okay for your child to be the shy, silent type—the child about who everyone says, ‘You hardly notice they are around”. As long as you aren’t one of the ‘everyone’s’ to say that.

Your child should never EVER feel you measure their worth in the currency of notoriety. Or anything else, for that matter, except for the simple fact that they are a living and breathing, and beautifully and uniquely piece of your heart.  

I know what I’m talking about when I say it is all kinds of wrong for a child to grow up feeling the need to prove themselves in order to gain a parent’s approval, while at the same time getting the distinct impression they are missing the mark. I know what it is doing to your kids when they are made to feel under-valued by the very people who should treasure and cherish them ‘just because’. And just in case you need a reminder of who those ‘very people’ are…it’s YOU, Mom, and YOU, Dad. It is YOUR job to make sure your kids know that being themselves is enough to garner your unconditional love. They need to know you believe in them and that no award or accolade will make you love them any better or any more. They need to know you don’t dole out your love according to how much or little they think you need (or deserve) it. They need to know that whether their mark on the world is one that is seen by many or just a few, and whether they are 10 or 50, that they can count on you for that ‘just because’ love, support, and acceptance. They need to know these things so they can go out into the world with confidence and with that invisible cushion of love that can only come from you, and that provides something there aren’t really words to describe, but that every child needs and deserves from the two people responsible for bringing them here in the first place.

Now, go let your kids know how much you love them.

Love,

Momma D

                                      Copyright 2019 Darla Noble.   No part of this can be copied or used without permission from the author. 

               For more from Momma D, check out "Love, Momma D" at Amazon and Kindle 

                

                       https://www.amazon.com/Love-Momma-Helping-Parents-Parenting/dp/1632133288/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1561988413&sr=8-8

                                                                        

                               

We're Flaky Like Hay

I'm a little (or a lot) like the mouse who got a cookie, who then wanted some milk, and then a napkin, and then decided to trim his mustache, and then.... In other words, my mind tends to wander, which is exactly what happened a while back when I saw several posts on Facebook showing farmers leaving home headed for Nebraska pulling a trailer loaded with hay. 

My first thought was to feel proud. As a retired farm gal, it makes me proud (but not surprised) to see the farm community helping each other. Those thoughts then led to a whole brain-full of memories of hauling hay; the work, the fun, the heat, the coolness that came after dark, and the late-night meals eaten in relief and satisfaction that the hay was dry and in the barn. And then those thoughts led me to think about the fact that my family is as flaky as a bale of hay. 

You heard me--we're flaky like hay. 

For those of you who have been up-close-and-personal with a bale of hay, you might be able to figure out where I'm going with this. But for those of you who haven't let me explain....

Bales of hay (they're really rectangles, but we call them square bales) consist of 18-20 sections of hay that are tied together to form the bale. These sections are called 'flakes'. Don't ask me why. They just are (unless you live in Europe, where I think they call them 'biscuits'). 

Anyway...as long as the bale is tied together, it looks like one nicely-shaped clump of dried grass. But as soon as you cut the strings or wires holding it together, the flakes start spreading apart from each other. More accurately, the ones on the ends pull away, but the center stays put--just like our family. 

From the time my kids were born until they decided it was time to strike out on their own, we were held together by faith, love, God's grace, wisdom (I hope), hard work, and the joy John and I had in being their parents. But then when they got to that stage in life when they were ready to grow up (it's a process, as we all know), we had to cut those strings and let them pull away to live their own life. And so they did, until just the center (John and I) was left. 

All four of our kids have 'flaked off' into different directions--and I mean that in a good way. But just like every parent, my hope is that they never forget who and what they were originally tied to--who and what they came from. And also like every parent, I hope that those feelings of being tied together are ones that give them a sense of belonging and the security of knowing they are forever loved and will always have a place where they belong.

So here's my question: What are you doing to make sure your kids (young or old) know that no matter what direction life takes them, they'll always have a safe and loving place to come home to--a place where they will always be loved and belong? 

Love,

Momma D

                                         Copyright 2019 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                                                                                    

Shoulda'...Coulda'...Woulda...So Glad I Did!

 

A few weeks ago, I heard someone say, “At school the test comes after the lesson, but in life, the test comes first, and then the lesson.”   How true is that—especially when it comes to parenting! When they turn you loose from the hospital; saying, “Good luck and congratulations!”, every day from there on out is a test. Or maybe I should say every day from there on out until your kids leave home is a test. And let me tell you, I spent a lot of time in ‘test mode’. From the day I first became a mom (thanks, Zach) in December of 1982, until the day my youngest daughter, Emma, left home as a new bride in August of 2012, I was in test mode. And for those who like numbers, that equals 28 years, 8 months and 3 days.

Don’t get me wrong—I enjoyed every minute. Okay, almost every minute. Nobody’s perfect—including me or my kids. Quite honestly, though, I was so busy I didn’t have time to think about the fact that I was taking the most important test of my life. Also speaking quite honestly, that was a good thing. So, it wasn’t until after the kids all left home that I started learning several lessons—lessons called Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda, and So Glad I Did.

Naturally there are things I should have done differently, could have done better, and would have done more or less of—if I would have had time to think about it. I’m happy to report, however, that for every shoulda, coulda, woulda lesson I’ve learned, I’ve also learned at least ten So Glad I Did lessons.

I have countless So Glad I Did lessons when it come to how we raised our kids. We taught them to love Jesus first. We gave them our presences instead of presents. We taught them to work hard and to work for what they have. We taught them to be kind, compassionate, honest, and just plain nice.

It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, though. Mixed in with all those So Glad I Dids, were plenty of Shoulda, Woulda, and Coulda lessons. We made mistakes like every other parent out there. We could have said some things nicer. There were times we could have been better listeners. We should have been stricter about some things, but no quite so firm on others. We would have approached a few things differently if we would have had the resources and knowledge to do so. But at the end of the day (or years), I have very few regrets, because despite any and all mistakes we made, one thing my kids can never say is that we didn’t expect anything from them we didn’t expect of ourselves. In other words, we did our best to be our best for our kids, so that they would know how to be their best. (take a minute, if you need to, to let that soak in)

Here's another thing...I’m still learning the essential lesson every parent has to learn—that it’s your job to give them a firm foundation, but what they build on top of that foundation is up to them. 

Most days my kids make me proud, happy, and grateful to be their mom, and proud of who they’ve become. And most days, I think (hope) they are proud and grateful to call me Mom. Other days, because none of us is perfect, we hurt and disappoint one another. We do things that make me wonder where they were the ‘day’ we had ‘that’ lesson, or that make me cringe when I look at myself in the mirror, and ask myself, "Did you really say (or do) that?" But for better or worse, I wouldn’t trade places with anyone…no way, no how, not for anything in the world! 

Now about what I said earlier—that thing about it’s a good thing I didn’t know I was taking a test…

In theory, it doesn’t seem very smart to take your ‘parenting test’ while you are raising your kids, and then learn the lessons after they are gone. In reality, though, if you approach parenting as a test, you’re going to be more worried about how you’re doing than how your kids are doing. That’s not good. If you approach parenting as a test, you’ll also end up learning a whole lot more Shoulda, Coulda, and Woulda lessons than you do So Glad I Did ones. 

So be glad for all the busy. Be glad your kids keep you on your toes 24/7—always needing…always wanting…always there, because, trust me when I say ‘always’ doesn’t last forever. And when ‘always’ is no more, you’re going to want and need them to say, "I'm so glad you did". 

Love,

Momma D 

                                 Copyright 2019 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                                                                                 

It's Not a Matter of If...It's a Matter of When

It’s not a matter of if you make a mistake as a parent…it’s a matter of when. 

It’s not a matter of if you say something to your child that shouldn’t be said…it’s a matter of when. 

It’s not a matter of if you look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I did good” …it’s a matter of when. 

It’s not a matter of if you ever have a ‘do as I say-not as I do’ moment…it’s a matter of when. 

It’s not a matter of if you ever hurt your child’s feelings…it’s a matter of when. 

It’s not a matter of if your kids make you so proud you can’t stop smiling…its’ a matter of when. 

It’s not a matter of if you ever feel like a complete failure as a parent…it’s a matter of when. 

It’s not a matter of if your kids ever hurt your feelings…it’s a matter of when.

It’s not a matter of if your kids ever disappoint you…it’s a matter of when. 

It’s not a matter of if you know your kids are the best thing to ever happen to you…it’s a matter of when.

It’s not a matter of if your kids ever make you so angry you can’t see straight…it’s a matter of when. 

It’s not a matter of if your kids ever make you question your ability to as a parent…it’s a matter of when. 

It’s not a matter of if your kids decide to question whether or not to live with the morals and values you gave them as children...it's a matter of when

Parenting is the most difficult AND most important job there is. It is also a job with no guarantees—no guarantees except love, because…

It’s never a matter of whether or not you love your kids...it's a matter of knowing you'll love them forever and always-no matter where, no matter when, and no matter what. 

Love,

Momma D

Just A Game...Not Just A Game...Or Is It Both?

A couple of weeks ago I got to do one of my most favorite things ever—go to a kid’s soccer game. But this wasn’t just any kid’s soccer game. This was our grandson, Reuben’s first soccer game. And let me tell you, it was quite the nail-biter. The kids played hard and they played well—especially considering the fact that they are 5 and 6 years old, and this is their first soccer team experience. They kicked the ball instead of picking it up…expect that one time. They passed the ball…sometimes without really meaning to, but hey, it was still a pass. The goalies stopped an amazing number of balls from going into the net for a goal, but they missed a few, too. 

There were several goal kicks and throw-ins, a few kids who got tired enough they asked to sit out, and of course that one memorable moment that reminds us adults that it really is just a game. That moment on this particular evening was when both teams were within a yard of where I was sitting getting ready to put the ball back into play. Sitting directly behind me was another nanna whose granddaughter just happened to be the one getting ready to throw the ball back in. Well, as any decent nanna would do, she had her phone pointed toward the action and was snapping a few photos, when said granddaughter picked up on something totally unrelated to the game…

“Hey, Nanna! You got a new phone case!”, she said, with a big smile on her face. Then without missing a beat, as if she’d just done the most natural thing in the world at a time like that, she threw the ball back into play and went right on with the game. FYI: Everyone around “Nanna” including me, missed the next few seconds of the game because we were too busy laughing…and checking out the new phone case. 

Just a game—yes, that’s what it was when talking about who won and who lost. The final score was 5 to 6. Reuben’s team didn’t win, but that was fine with me, because the other team deserved their victory. They worked just as hard for the goals they scored, as Reuben’s team did. 

Just a game—that’s what it also needs to be in the hearts and minds of parents and grandparents. No matter how young or old the child is, no matter how long they’ve been playing the game, no matter how good they are (or you think they are), it’s just a game. Even if your kid would eventually go on to be a pro—it’s just a game, because who your kids are is always more important than what they are. 

Just a game—not so much when it comes to what the kids got out of it. They got exercise (which is something most kids don’t get enough of these days), social interaction, and the experience of doing or ‘performing’ in front of a crowd, albeit a very friendly crowd. They also had the experience of having to play by the rules, learning how to play as a team, learning to listen to their coach, learning that winning and losing are equally important aspects of the game (and life), learning that there’s room for both criticism and praise in our lives, and that playing games with your friends (those you already have and those you make) is always a good idea. 

Just a game—not so much when it comes to the message we send our kids. Are we keeping the main thing the main thing? Do they know the real reasons it’s more than just a game? In other words, are your words and actions lining up with what the real take-aways are (see previous paragraph)? 

If so, great! If not, take a minute to re-read this post. 

Love,

Momma D
                                     Copyright 2019 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 
                                                                                                                

I Do NOT Like "The Cat in the Hat"

I am a big fan of Dr. Seuss—with the exception of “The Cat in the Hat” and “The Cat in the Hat Comes Back”. I do not like those books…at all. The fact that the cat comes marching into the house and takes over is creepy to me. And the fact that although Sally and her no-name brother just let it all kind of happen is disturbing. I mean, seriously, they need a fish to tell them to get rid of that no-good feline?

Call me crazy or whatever, but I just don’t like it. I do, however, think there is a valuable lesson parents need to learn from reading it (which you undoubtedly have). The lesson is this…

Your children need YOU to teach them how to say no AND what to say no to.

 I remember the “Just Say No!” slogan my kids were taught in middle-school about saying no to drugs. The DARE campaign, as it was called, however, was a huge flop. There isn’t a research report or any other form of evidence that shows kids who sat through the weekly talks from the friendly police officer were less likely to use drugs than anyone else.

I’m not the least bit surprised the program didn’t do what it was meant to do, and here’s why: it isn’t the school’s job to instill morals in our children. Schools are for academic education and mirroring good citizenship and character. Our children need to be able to trust their teachers and look up to them as people of integrity with sound morals but teaching your children what integrity and morals are…that’s YOUR job.

It is YOUR job to make sure your children know right from wrong and how to choose right over wrong. It is your job to teach your children what is and isn’t safe for them, who and what is dangerous, and how to steer clear of those things.

Society is quick to give children too much credit (responsibility) these days. Just because they’re tech-savvy when it comes to operating a phone, tablet, or computer, doesn’t mean they know the risks and dangers involved. Think: Facebook stalkers and sex trafficking. Children are children. Their brains aren’t mature enough to discern and process these things. Again…that’s YOUR job. YOU need to be the one to teach, protect, train, and guide them through their childhood and teenage years and on into adulthood.

In other words…

IT’S YOUR JOB TO MAKE SURE YOUR CHILDREN AREN’T DEPENDING ON A FISH (or friend, a television show, a book, a website, a video game, or even another adult) FOR GUIDANCE, PROTECTION, AND LOVE.

Love,

Momma D

                                   Copyright 2019 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                                       

The Privilege Of Doing Things Again

In addition to sharing my Momma D advice and encouragement with you each month I've also been privileged to do the same for parents in Australia and the Philippines. I know--it’s crazy, isn’t it? A gal from Mid-Missouri giving advice to parents in three continents. Go figure! 

Anyway…several months ago the magazine in Australia asked me to write an article on “Parenting MBA”—MBA being short for Minimal Behavior Accepted. The purpose of the article, I was told, was to motivate parents to decide what their ‘threshold of pain’ was in regards to how much they were willing to let slide before saying ‘enough is enough’. 

As I thought about the angle the magazine's editor suggested I take, something both Granny and her mom (my great-grandma) always said kept running through my mind….

“If you don’t do it right the first time you will have the privilege of doing it again.”

There’s nothing minimal or MBA about that, is there? Neither Grandma nor Granny was satisfied with anyone doing just enough to get by. I don’t remember it being enough for my mom either, and I know it wasn’t enough for John and me when we were raising our kids. And you want to know something?I’m glad for it.

Taking a minimal standards approach to parenting is damaging to your child's self-confidence and self-respect. Instead of sending the message that says you have confidence in their ability to do AND to learn, you are saying: 

*I won’t expect too much because I don’t think you are capable of giving it.

*I won’t expect too much because it doesn’t really matter. 

On top of that, you are encouraging your child to be lazy, irresponsible, selfish, and disrespectful of authority. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true...sadly true and sadly evident in our society. 

Social media is flooded with posts and tweets about ‘the good ‘ole days’ and ‘remember when’s’ that speak of a time when respect, hard work, self-sufficiency, and other solid character traits were the norm rather than the exception they seem to be today. But if you really do long for that type of society and lifestyle again, then you need to do something about it—something like raising the bar and setting higher expectations for your children than just minimal standards of behavior. 

I’m thankful I was expected to do things right--or do them over. I’m also not apologizing for having expected the same from my kids. What's more, I'm sure they wouldn’t want me to. Children need to know you believe they are capable of more than doing just enough to get by. Their confidence to be a be a productive and successful child and adult depends on it. So instead of settling for the least they can give, help them discover how much they have to offer. 

Love,

Momma D

                                             

                                          Copyright 2019 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.