The Perfectly Good Imperfect Life

As I write this, I am watching “Mom’s Night Out”. If you have seen the movie, you know what I’m talking about when I say God love ‘em. If you haven’t seen the movie, you should.

As I watched I was reminded of a time that seems like only yesterday when Granny was always putting Olivia’s shoes on the right feet when we got to church because I couldn’t seem to get it done. But hey, we were always on time and all four kids were always dressed appropriately.

As I watched I was reminded of the time I asked five year-old Zach to check to see if baby Olivia was still sleeping and he returned with her in his arms…after changing a cloth diaper because she was wet. He was smiling from ear to ear and said, “Don’t worry, mommy, I did not poke her.”

As I watched I was reminded of the gazillion toys I picked up off the floor, the spelling lists practiced, the stories read, the school parties and field trips chaperoned, the Halloween costumes made, the Easter eggs dyed and hidden  and all the other things moms do.

As I watched I was reminded of the hand-made cards, the fact that I still use the pin cushion Elizabeth made from fabric in Granny’s scrap basket, the spaghetti dinner the girls made and served to John and I one year on our anniversary, the picture and note of apology hand-crafted by Emma when she accidently let the llama out of the field Yes, we had a llama. Doesn’t everyone?

Our refrigerator was always covered in drawings and notes from school. There was always at least six pair of shoes at the back door. I rarely went to ladies meeting at church without the kids in tow (John worked a lot of night shifts) and for several years our tax returns were our yearly contributions to the orthodontist.

Our life was loud and busy. The house was always clean, but often messy. I wore out three washing machines in twenty years and we didn’t bother keeping the wood floors waxed because they were needed for tap dancing and gymnastic stunts. And I wouldn’t change a thing!

Being a parent is the most important job in the world. No exceptions. As a parent you are giving the world an extension of yourself. To be a parent is to shape the future of society. No small task, I think you’ll agree. So the next time you find yourself at your wit’s end; craving five minutes of peace, questioning your sanity, wondering if it will ever be your ‘turn’ to do something for yourself or feeling like a complete failure, stop. Stop and realize that the hand the rocks the cradle really does rule the world.

Love,

Momma D

                                                    

 

Why Does Granny Have a Screensaver?

Emma was in kindergarten the year Granny had surgery to replace one of her heart valves. I understand these two events wouldn’t normally be linked together, but in this case, I think you will agree with me that they do…

The evening before the surgery was spent with Granny in her hospital room talking, reassuring one another and even cracking several jokes about the fact that the valve she would receive would either be courtesy of a cow or a pig.

I noticed Emma didn’t say much, but didn’t think too much about it because a) I knew she was worried about her Granny and b) Emma wasn’t a chatty little girl. She was my quiet, contemplative one.

Of course she was quiet. There was a lot to take in and try to process. So I made a mental note to myself to give her a little extra reassurance before tucking her into bed that night. But as it turns out, Emma was making sense of things the way kids growing up in this day and age would.

As we were walking to our car after telling Granny goodnight, Emma looked up at me and asked, “Momma, why does Granny have a screensaver?”

“What,” I asked?

“Why does Granny have a screensaver?”

It took me a few seconds to figure out what she was talking about, but then it hit me—Emma thought Granny’s heart monitor was a computer! Thankfully I was smart enough not to laugh at her. Instead I agreed that the monitor looked like a computer (as she understood a computer to be), but that it was really a machine that was watching over Granny’s heart.

We’ve laughed about this several times since then, but today I want to use this little incident to remind you to not deprive your children of the fun that can be had and the simple joys of life not associated with a computer in any of its various forms. Or as Miranda Lambert sings…

Hey, whatever happened to waitin' your turn
Doing it all by hand,
'Cause when everything is handed to you
It's only worth as much as the time put in
It all just seemed so good the way we had it
Back before everything became automatic.

So here is my challenge to you:

Don’t allow phones or other devices at the dinner table

Make it clear that texting one another while in the same house is never acceptable

Write messages to your children using paper and pen

Help your little ones write cards and letters to their grandparents and encourage your older children to do the same

Play BOARD or CARD games as a family—not video games

Cook together…from scratch.

 

Have a sixties or seventies weekend at home--doing things the way they did back then

 

Spend one Saturday a month working together or learning a skill that requires you to do things by hand (woodworking, gardening, embroidery, crochet, baking, etc.)

While each generation makes both positive and negative contributions to society, we’ve allowed most of the positives from the past to become nearly extinct. Let’s bring a few of them back, okay, because children need to know that not everything revolves around hard drives, apps and the cloud.

Love,

Momma D

                                                                               

 

                                               

  

Just You and Me

A few weeks ago our entire family spent a few days with my in-laws and some of our extended family. The days were spent swimming, boating, eating, talking...I guess you could sum it up by saying that a good time was had by all.

At one point several of us—including my six year-old granddaughter, Mackenzie—were sitting outside on the deck talking. Then for a variety of reasons, everyone but Mackenzie and I went back inside. As soon as we were alone, she jumped up from her chair, climbed up on my lap, gave a big sigh and said, “Finally, Nanna, it’s just you and me.” This of course was followed by some snuggle time and conversation about Two-socks the horse, Bonnie the dog and first-grade learning experiences.

Mackenzie’s ‘relief’ at it being just the two of us wasn’t rude or unkind. She loves her Grandpa, her aunts and uncles, great-grandparents and cousins. She also thoroughly enjoys spending time with older second-cousins who aren’t so old that they think a six year-old is completely annoying. No, Mackenzie just needed some one-on-one time with her nanna—the very same kind of personal time your kids and/or grandkids need from you.

You may be thinking it’s hard enough to get everyone where they’re supposed to be on time while trying to get everyone’s laundry washed and put away, keep the house picked up, meals cooked and all the other necessary things that are required of you to keep everyone’s lives up and running. But think about this…your family won’t be a family if its members aren’t loved and cherished and made to feel special. Instead, you’ll be nothing more than a group of people surviving together under the same roof.

That’s why it is important to spend time with each child; talking just to them, praying just with them, playing a game just with them, doing chores and fun projects just with them, going on a ‘date’ just with them. To do so will give each child the validation they need and deserve and allows you to really know your child as a person.

It’s like a jigsaw puzzle—even when the pieces are in the box or scattered on the table, it’s still a puzzle. But when you take the time to carefully look at each piece enough to know exactly how and where it fits those pieces become part of something everyone can enjoy.

Trust me, it’s soooooooo worth the time you don’t think you have—both for you and your children. I know this to be true, because a few weeks ago my daughter, Olivia, left Matt and Reuben at home overnight to spend the night and help me with a project the next day. As we sat in the restaurant enjoying dinner (just the two of us), she said, “I love it when we’re all together, but I really miss not having it be just you and me like we used to.”

I guess I'm going to have to do something about that, aren't I.

 

Love,

Momma D

                                                                   

 

 

I'm an Inside Girl!

Like most preschoolers, Macy doesn’t have an external volume control. Okay, let’s just tell it like it is…unless she decides to do so, she has no volume control. That was especially true one rainy day we were stuck inside and getting bored.

Macy and Mackenzie were pretending to be horses and cowgirls. That was great, but the noise level just kept getting louder and louder. When I told them to quiet down, Macy didn’t get the message (or couldn’t hear it), so I said, “Macy, use your inside voice.”

“I’m not an inside boy, Nanna, I’m an inside girl,” she shot back with a confused and hurt look on her face. How dare I call her a boy!

Me: “No, honey, I said use your inside voice.”

Macy: (getting perturbed) “Nanna, I am not an inside boy! I’m an inside girl!”

Me: (laughing) “Macy, I know you’re a girl. I was telling you to talk in a quiet voice.”

Macy:  (smiling) “Oh, okay.”

And she did…for a little while, at least.

Macy Scout isn’t the only child to misunderstand what was said to her; to hear something completely different than what was actually said or intended. But often times these misunderstandings aren’t nearly as simple to fix…or funny.

When you say “No, not that way”, your child hears “You can’t do anything right”.

When you say “Why can’t you be like…”, your child hears “You aren’t good enough.”

When you say “I don’t have time”, your children hear “You are not a priority”.

When you say…well, hopefully you get the picture.

I know first-hand that sometimes our children don’t get the right message even when we say everything in the right way—as was the case with Macy Scout. But more often than not, as parents, we need to be more mindful of both what we say and how we say it.

Love,

Momma D

                                                                 

It's Back!!!!!!!!!!!

When John and I purchased the farm which had previously been in my family for several generations, the only animals residing there were a few mice and a HUGE black snake. Not a big snake, a HUGE snake, well over five feet long.

My first meeting with this over-sized reptile took place when the kids and I were looking around one of the outbuildings. I was carrying Olivia, who was barely a year old, but Elizabeth (3) and Zach (6) were walking beside me when we saw the snake go underneath the building we were about to enter.

Zach asked why we let the snake go instead of trying to get it to come out so we could kill it. My first thought was to tell him it was because the snake was big enough to swallow children whole, but don’t worry, I didn’t say that. Instead, I said something to the effect that the snake wasn’t really hurting anything, but that he (Zach) needed to stay away from the building.

Fast-forward several weeks. Zach decided he was going to take his tractors and dump truck out to play in the yard. So with his toys in his arms, he opened the door and started to step onto the porch when in a panic he slammed the door shut, dropped his toys, plastered himself against the door and said, “It’s back!”

“It” was the snake—sunning himself on the front stoop (from which he hung over both sides). Apparently this snake thought his territory extended to the house…OUR house! But did I have news for him.

Telling the kids to stay inside, I went outside via another door, got the hoe and made sure that snake never found his way to our porch again (or anywhere else, for that matter).

I can still see Zach plastered against the door; eyes as big as dinner plates from the shock of nearly stepping on the snake as he headed out to play.  But that’s not the only thing I think about when I think about that day.

I think about the fact that, all too often, parents ignore their child’s problems hoping that if they don’t acknowledge them they will stay hidden like a snake underneath a deserted outbuilding. After all, if you don’t talk about it or can’t see it, it’s not there, right? WRONG! Just like the snake left the shed to absorb the warmth of the sun, a problem will always surface to the 'light' sooner or later.

If you don’t acknowledge the problems in your child’s life and help them deal with them appropriately, they will fester and grow and eventually invade your child’s life; robbing them of feeling safe, secure and confident.

 I'm not talking about getting involved in spats between friends, or taking on the system because your child didn't make first string on the team, or blaming someone...anyone for the mistakes your child makes. The problems I’m talking about are genuine difficulties at school, being bullied or even being the bully, physical limitations, difficulties with learning, behavioral problems, emotional anxiety and self-esteem.

In order for Zach and his little sisters to feel (and actually be) safe when going outside to play, the snake had to go. Likewise, threats to your child’s safety, security and well-being need to be dealt with appropriately so that your child doesn’t have to be afraid to step out their front door and live life to the fullest.

Love,
Momma D

NOTE: Olivia killed this snake in her front yard a couple of months ago. It was almost as big as 'our' snake.
 

                                                                                       

                                                             

T-shirts Don't Look Good on Me

By the time Elizabeth was three she knew quite a bit; how to write and recognize the letters in the alphabet, the words to countless songs, how to count, her colors, shapes and opposites. She also ‘knew’ she didn’t look good in a t-shirt…

It was Halloween night and John took Zach (6), Elizabeth (3) and Olivia (1) to the downtown merchants in our community to go trick-or-treating. Zach was excited when they arrived at the local screen printing shop and discovered they were giving out free t-shirts instead of candy. Elizabeth, on the other hand, smiled politely and said, “No, thank you. T-shirts don’t look good on me.” John also smiled at the now-dumbfounded hander-out-of-t-shirts and accepted the t-shirt on Elizabeth’s behalf.

While most of you probably don’t have a child who happily turns down a free t-shirt, you all have a child who, like Elizabeth, has a mind of his/her own. They have definite likes and dislikes and things that interest them vs. things that bore them to tears. Your job, as their parent is to:

1.      Allow your children to express these thoughts and feelings. So Elizabeth didn’t like t-shirts. No big deal. I don’t like the color blue and no one has a problem with that.

2.      Teach your children to express these thoughts and feelings appropriately. Phrases like, ‘no thank you’, ‘I’d rather have…’ and ‘I don’t want any, thank you’ are appropriate. Phrases like ‘I hate that’, ‘No!’, and ‘Yuk’ or ‘Gross’ are not.

3.      Encourage your children to grow and mature using these thoughts and feelings. Developing a sense of style or personality is not a bad thing. Enjoying books and music instead of soccer or baseball has its merits. Preferring art to math is not the end of the world.

4.      Give your children the freedom to embrace and change these thoughts and feelings. Elizabeth decided to become a nurse before she was 10 and she’s a compassionate, gifted nurse, at that. As for the t-shirt ‘thing’, she outgrew it a few years later. These days you can find her sporting one just about any day of the week. And she looks just fine.

So remember, the opinionated little person sitting across from you at the dinner table isn’t trying to make your life difficult. He or she is just letting you know who they are and what they’re all about.

Happy birthday, Elizabeth,

Momma D

                                                  

The Investment with the Highest Returns

My Granny taught me so many things; how to garden, how to can fruits and vegetables, make jellies, wilted lettuce, and cottage cheese, churn butter, and the list goes on and on and on. I’m able to do many things most people these days don’t even realize can be done outside of a factory all because of Granny. But it’s not so much what she taught me as how she taught me.

Granny was never in too much of a hurry to let me do things with her.  From the time I was about 5 years old, we worked side by side. She patiently showed me what to do and how to do it right. I can’t count the times she’s say, “I’ll tell you like my mom always told me…if you don’t do it right the first time, you’ll get the privilege of doing it again.”

It would have been so much easier (and quicker) for her to do things herself, but she didn’t. She could have used the ‘watch me so you’ll know what to do when you get older’ approach, but she didn’t. No, instead, Granny used the hands-on approach to teaching me to be a woman who knew how to provide for her home and her family.

As mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and teachers, we need to take a lesson from Granny. Each time we pass up the opportunity to walk a little slower to allow little feet to keep up with us, or deny ourselves the privilege of sweeping up an extra cup of flour off the floor after baking a batch of cookies, or opt for flower beds with flowers perfectly color coordinated and spaced instead of one with a more whimsical look, we have passed up a golden opportunity to make special memories with the children we love. These moments-I call them ‘teachable moments’-are lost forever once they pass, so see them for the treasures they are and make the most of them whenever you get the chance.

The memories we have of the special people in our lives are the result of their ability to see these teachable moments for what they are. In other words, these people took the time to investment in us-in our lives. And in turn, we need to make a similar investment into the lives of the young people we love. Think of it as the emotional circle of life.

I couldn’t possibly talk this emotional circle of life and investing yourself into someone’s life without talking about Carol Bennett. She touched hundreds of lives and invested a part of herself in each and every one of them…

Carol Bennett was my daughter, Elizabeth’s, kindergarten teacher. She had been teaching for many years when Elizabeth had her and was nearing the end of her career. But Carol was a good teacher and it was obvious she truly cared about her students. But never in a million years would I have imagined she would continue to care so many years later.

Fast forward from kindergarten to Elizabeth’s senior year in high school; graduation was approaching and Elizabeth was receiving gifts and cards from family and friends. One evening as she was opening up the mail she had received, I heard her say, “Oh, isn’t that so sweet!” I was just about to ask her what she thought was ‘so sweet’, when she sat a card and picture down in my lap. The card was from her kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Bennett. It read, “I’m proud to have been a part of your education. Good luck in the future.” The picture was one Elizabeth had drawn in kindergarten!

Each year Carol Bennett kept one picture from each of her students. And 13 years later she took the time to send it-along with a card of congratulations to each student who was still in the area.  Carol had retired two or three years after Elizabeth had been in her class, so the fact that she wasn’t even involved in the school system anymore and had a plethora of other things she could have been doing with her time, made it even more special. I know I don’t need to tell you this, but Carol Bennett is someone who cares!

Remember…at the heart of some of our most treasured memories is the fact that someone like Granny or Carol let us know how much we meant to them. Whose memories are you helping to make?  

 

 

Love,

 

Momma D

 

                                                          

 

My kids Grew Up Without Cable and haven't Been to Disney World...Should I be Worried?

A few weeks ago I shared with you my memories of presenting Zach with his swing set in an effort to remind you that giving your child presents should never be a replacement for your presence. I want to take that ‘lesson’ a little farther this week by reminding parents that things don’t make the home any more than clothes make the man…

John and I raised our kids in house that was less than 2,000 square feet in size. All three girls shared a bedroom for several years, no one had their own bathroom (not even John and I), we didn’t have cable television until Emma was fourteen and the only one left at home, family vacations consisted of camping trips and county fairs for showing livestock and our kids actually had chores they were expected to do and do correctly. And guess what…they all lived to tell about it!

Don’t get me wrong—when one of their friends asked why they lived in such a little house or told them they were sorry they didn’t have cable, my heart would skip a beat in fear it would embarrass my kids. Or when they talked about how so-and-so was going to Disney World or on a cruise over spring break, I can’t deny I sometimes wished we could do something like that for them.

I’m thankful and proud, however, that none of that seemed to bother our children. They had fields and outbuildings to play in, bikes to ride, pets to play with, a swimming pool to cool off in, a swing set and tree swing to enjoy and toys which allowed them to be creative and imaginative. They were loved, well-fed, ‘stuck’ with me all day (they were my career) and provided a life that was about a lot more than stuff.

What’s the point, you ask? The point is this: your children don’t need half the things you think they do. They don’t need video games and television to stimulate their minds. They need an empty box and an old blanket to do that. They don’t need expensive vacations in order to make family memories. They need board games and popcorn, fishing and camping trips, or games of hide-n-seek and lightening bugs in jars to do that. And finally, they don’t need big houses because houses don’t make homes—people do.

So in answer to the question I asked, “Should I be worried?”, the answer is NO! And you shouldn’t be either.

I can say this will complete confidence because Zach, Elizabeth, Olivia and Emma will readily admit to having great memories of growing up on a farm, in a little house, taking family camping trips and watching Darkwing Duck and reruns of 7^th Heaven instead of whatever the newest shows were at the time.  Not only that, all four are happy, loving and intelligent. They are loving and supportive spouses and parents and have good people skills. What's more, they did it all without a ride down Space Mountain or having fifty-two channels to choose from. However did that happen!?

Love,

Momma D

                                                             

Once Upon a Time...

Last Sunday afternoon John and I returned our two oldest granddaughters, six year-old Mackenzie and three year-old Macy, to their parents after having them with us for a week. Minutes into the hour-long drive, Mackenzie asked, “Nanna will you tell us a story?”

She wasn’t asking for the traditional “Little Red Riding Hood” or “Princess and the Pea”. The kind of story Mackenzie and Macy were asking for was the kind only very few people besides me can tell them. They wanted a story--or several stories about our family. Some of these stories aren’t really stories at all—not by definition, anyway. But that doesn’t matter to Mack and Macy.

To them, the stories I tell them about their daddy coming face to face with an enormous black snake or going up against an angry llama so I wouldn’t get hurt are as exciting as it gets. They laugh when I tell them about Great-great chasing a baby pig around a parking lot or when I tell them about the time Aunt Olivia and I chased goats along the highway. They love to hear about all the pets their daddy and aunts had growing up and about the many ‘adventures’ we had living on the farm.

As I was telling them (for the ??? time) about our dog, CD—who Mack sometimes accidentally refers to as disc—J she asked me, “Nanna, the next time we come to your house, can we make a book to put the stories in?” My answer, in case you have any doubt, was YES!

And wouldn’t you know it…just minutes after Mack’s request, Miranda Lambert’s The House that Built Me started playing on the radio. Coincidence? Most likely, but nevertheless, it tugged at my heart; reminding me of how important it is to share my life’s story with my children and grandchildren.

I want to remind you to do the same, because when we share our life’s stories with our children and grandchildren, we:

·         Give them a sense of belonging

·         Give them a piece of history…their history

·         Build a sense of trust between us and them—when we share our life with them they are more apt to share their life with us

·         Allow them to have a more realistic view of who we are

·         Allow them to be able to laugh at and learn from the past as well as their own bobbles and mishaps

So go ahead—gather your children and even your grandchildren around you and start talking. It’s as simple as saying, “Once upon a time…”

Love,

Momma D 

                                                   

 

                                                                       

                                                 

 

 

And then one day they decide it's okay to like and love one another

If you have more than one child, part of your day includes being a referee. Hey, it’s in the job description…or it would be…if there was a job description for being a parent.

Most of the time, you try not to laugh, roll your eyes, or just look at your kids and say, “Seriously? Are you really arguing about that?” Trust me—I’ve heard it all...

NOTE: for my kids’ sake I won’t insert names here, but they know…J

“His piece is bigger than mine.”

“I’m doing more work that you and it’s not fair.”

“You’re the baby so they always take your side.”

“She did it first.” “No, she did it first.” “I did not…you did.” “No, you did…”

“Quit touching my blanket.”

“Quit touching my seat belt.”

“She broke my doll’s leg on purpose.”

“You told me to lick my shoe.”

“It’s not fair he gets to stay up later.”

“He said The Aristocats was broken so I couldn’t watch it.”

“Get your stuff off my bed”

“Get your feet over on your side.”

"It’s your fault for telling me I had to ride my bike down the stairs.”

I would be lying if I said it was like this all the time, because it wasn’t. In fact, most of the time my kids played together really well and they always banded together when an ‘outsider’ did anything to upset them. But oh, there were times when I wondered if they would ever be able to just get along.

Can I get an AMEN? Are nodding your head and offering a silent prayer of thanks that you’re not alone in wondering if the squabbling will ever end? If so, then you are going to be delighted with a capital D to learn that the answer is yes, it does.

Elizabeth and Olivia depend on one another to care for each other’s children when John and I aren’t available. Tonight Zach’s girls are sleeping peacefully at Aunt Boo Boo, Uncle Craig and Laney’s house because they know they are loved and welcome there. When Macy was critically ill, Zach and Becca had the love and support of his sisters in whatever ways they could help. As a military wife and new mom, Emma knows she can count on her siblings to encourage her via SKYPE and phone calls.

In other words…my children don't just love one another. They actually like each other and want to be together. So don’t despair. If you feel you spend more time mediating, separating and investigating (to find out who is really telling the truth), hang in there because there IS light at the end of the tunnel—a light that will warm your heart as you watch the peace and quiet unfold.

Love,

Momma D