Putting All Your Eggs In The Right Basket

Lately I’ve been noticing that too many parents are concerned about the wrong things when it comes to influencing and managing their children’s lives. For example…

I was recently welcoming a seven year-old to an overnight summer camp and was told by his parents that he wasn’t allowed to have cinnamon rolls for breakfast the next morning like the rest of the kids because he had to drink a GALLON of protein drink in order to be able to make weigh-ins for a wrestling match a few hours after that. 

Now it’s all well and good for your kids to be involved in activities like this, but the message that winning at all costs is more important than having fun with your friends and being a normal kid who scarfs down an ooey-gooey cinnamon roll once in a while, isn’t the message we should be sending.
As parents we need to care more about who our kids are than what our kids are. Instead of micro-managing and obsessing over whether or not they win first place in the science fair or are one of the popular kids, we need to take a more active approach to helping shape their character. Instead of doing whatever it takes to make sure they make the cheerleading squad or first chair in band, we need to make sure they know being THE best isn't always important or possible and that they have the integrity to not bully their peers.
Parents, your job isn’t to raise great kids. Your job is to raise your kids to be great adults. And in case you are wondering, great adults aren’t defined by science fair projects and high school football scores. Great adults are those that are honest, compassionate, hard-working, wise with their finances, respectful of authority and the feelings of others, and confident of their abilities and self-worth.
Influencing and managing your children’s character is going to require you to be intentional and relational with your children. Most of all, it requires you to model these behaviors because even when your children don’t appear to be listening, or really aren’t listening, you can bet they are watching every move you make.
So…when deciding what matters and what doesn’t when it comes to where you focus your parenting energy, remember this: If the ‘thing’ you are stressing over isn’t going to directly affect their twenty-one year-old self or who they are from the inside out, you’re probably putting your eggs in the wrong basket.

Love,

Momma D
                          Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                            

No Catchy Title This Week--Just Plain and Simple Truth

            While attending the funeral of an old friend a few weeks before Christmas last year, I heard the following conversation…

            “My daughter loves “Miss C” so much. She can’t wait to go to Sunday school every week knowing “Miss C” was going to be her teacher. I really didn’t know what to tell her. How do you explain death to a four year-old?”

            When asked what she did tell her little girl, the mother then replied, “I told her “Miss C” went to live at the North Pole to be one of Santa’s helpers because she loves kids so much she wanted to make sure they always have a nice Christmas.”

            Are you kidding me! If the irony of this conversation weren’t so sad, it would be hilarious. I mean think about it: This mother didn’t think telling her daughter that her Sunday school teacher was with Jesus was as comforting as saying she was with Santa Claus!

And that’s not even considering the facts that a) in the not-so-distant-future her daughter is going to find out that her momma told a big fat whopper lie because she’ll discover that Santa isn’t r-e-a-l and b) learning the truth is only going to lead to more questions that should have and could have been answered truthfully in the first place.

Listen up, parents! Your children deserve simple, honest, and age-appropriate answers to their questions—especially since these days there are lots of things to ask questions about.

For example:

When your child asks, “Is Sparky in heaven now?” when a beloved pet dies, you should simply say, “I don’t know for sure, but the Bible does talk about lions and sheep getting along in heaven, so if God thinks lions are nice enough to go to heaven, I bet he thinks Sparky is, too.”

When your child asks, “Is everyone who lives there bad?” when catching a glimpse of or hearing about the war raging in the Middle East, your reply should be, “No, not everyone who lives there is bad. That’s why our soldiers are there—to help the nice people and try to keep them safe.”

When your child questions why someone is mean to them, it’s time to inform them that not everyone will realize what a great kid they are and the best thing to do when that happens is to turn around and go play with someone who is nice. You can also tell them that sometimes people say and do things that aren’t very nice when they are sad, mad, or don’t feel well, so they need to give that person another chance.

When your child asks you if you will still be a family after the divorce, you need to be honest in telling them that your family is not going to be the same as it was, but that the love you and your soon-to-be-ex have for them (your child) is never going to change.

When your child asks if he/she will ever see their friends again after you move three states away, don’t say, “Oh, sure, we’ll come back and visit whenever we can.” You and I both know the chances of that are next to nothing, so simply tell them that they probably won’t see them very much but that they can stay in touch online or through cards and letters and reassure them that they will make new friends to play with/hang out with your new home.

Honesty, parents. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. If you aren’t honest with them, you really don’t have a right to expect them to be honest with you.

Love,

Momma D

                             Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                               

           

Sorry, Kool-Aid Cup...You Had Your Chance

A few years ago,  I was helping then-two year-old Esther, aka “Essie”, drink her bright red cherry Kool-Aid from a big girl cup. She was doing a great job of it, too. But you know how the ice in the cup falls forward when you get close to running out of whatever is in the cup? Well that’s what happened to Essie. And you know what happens when the ice falls forward, don’t you?

Yep, whatever is in the cup comes splashing out on you.

How dare that Kool-Aid! Or in Essie’s mind, how dare that cup!

When that happens to you or me we wipe our face and go on. No big deal. But to two year-old Essie, I can assure you it was a big deal…a really big deal. But not in the way you might think. Essie was a mixture of scared and mad. Not at the ice or the Kool-Aid, though…at the cup. In fact, when I went to give her another drink a minute or so later, she refused to drink out of that cup.

“No!” she said, and then pointed at my cup and said, “Drink.”

I tried again, but she was insisted the drink come from my cup. My cup was empty, so I dumped what was in her cup into mine (minus the ice) and sure enough, she drank to her heart’s content.

“You had your chance, Kool-Aid cup,” was Essie’s thought process. “You may have gotten me once, but you won’t ever do it again.”

Essie didn’t understand that the cup wasn’t the culprit and nothing I was going to say or do would be able to change her mind. Since it wasn’t a big deal I didn’t really even try, but that’s not always going to be the case in raising your children and as parents you need to be ready, willing, and able to guide them toward understanding and accepting that getting mad and getting even isn’t the way to handle situations that don’t go their way.

As parents you need to be teaching by example and instruction that when things don’t turn out the way we want them to, getting mad isn’t the solution, or when their friends hurt their feelings, shunning them won’t solve the problem. They need to know that losing a game or not getting the grade the grade they think they deserve isn’t someone else’s fault, but the result of their not playing as well as the other team or studying hard enough to get an A.

Your children are watching your every move and hanging on your every word. Even when you think they aren’t, they are. Trust me on this one. So ask yourself: Are you giving the Kool-Aid cups in your life a fair shake or are you blaming them for something they didn’t even do? Because your kids are taking their cue from you.

Love,

Momma D

                      Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                         

Some Things Just Aren't Band-aid-Worthy

I spend part of every summer at church camp teaching Bible classes, being the camp 'mom', fixing boo-boos, giving kids their medicine, checking to make sure sunscreen has been amply applied, and a host of other ‘mom-type’ things they need done for them when they’re away from home.

One thing I’ve noticed over the years in the group of 8-10 year old's is that they have very different perceptions of what is and isn’t a big deal. For example, one night while playing hide-n-seek three or four of the kids fell and scraped their shins or knees.

A couple of them were pretty ‘good’ scrapes that required a good washing with soap and water followed by ointment and a bandage or two. Both of these kids were far more concerned about getting back out there to play than they were the blood oozing from their knees.

Another child, however, came to me sobbing and moaning as if they’d just been critically injured. In fact, I heard her before I saw her and thought, “Oh, my gosh, this is gonna be bad!” It wasn’t. She’d barely scratched the surface of the skin. It wasn’t even bandaid-worthy. I wiped her knee, dried her tears, gave her a hug, promised her she was going to live, and then sent her back out to finish the game.

As she left (limping as though her leg was about to fall off) I thought about how more often than not, we as parents need to tech our kids to ‘shake it off’ and go on instead of treating every disappointment, every boo-boo, and every rejection like it is the end of the world.

I’m not saying we need to raise up a generation of emotionless, hard-hearted young people. And I’m not saying we shouldn’t be sensitive to our children’s physical and emotional pain. Not at all! But what I am saying is this: children need to have a solid understanding of what is and isn’t worth getting upset over. So what if they don’t make varsity! So what if they don’t get all A’s! So what if they don’t get to go to someone’s party! So what if you tell them no and they don’t like it!

Your kids need to learn that there are a lot of things in life that simply aren’t worth getting upset over and they need to learn that from you! They need to see you as someone who is calm, sensible, able to deal well with stress and who doesn’t panic or over-react. They need to see you model these behaviors so they can be this person, too.

Love,

Momma D

                            copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                    

Up And Over The Wall You Go

I would like to apologize for being late writing this week’s blog. So let me take a minute to explain why and share something that happened this week with you—something I hope you’ll take to heart as you parent your children.

            If you know me, you know I spend a few weeks every summer with middle school and junior high kids at church camp. No, I’m not crazy. I love them!

Anyway…each evening after chapel service we have what is called social hour. Social hour is a time when the kids participate in an organized activity that is fun, somewhat competitive, and all about building relationships and comradery. Some of the activities for social hour are somewhat traditional; meaning we do them every year. Last year, however, we tried something new—an obstacle course.

The course consisted of several ‘traditional’ obstacle course activities—including a ten to twelve foot wall the kids had to go up and over using the rope and three furring strips for toe-holds.

When several of the kids (boys and girls) saw the wall, the first words out of their mouths were “I can’t do that!”

“Yes you can,” I’d say. “You can do this. Emily is going to help you get started, Drake and Austin will be there when you get to the top, and I’ll be here when you come down on the other side.”

“I can’t,” some of them would repeat…as they grabbed hold and started to make their way up.

When they came over the wall and landed next to me, the look on their faces was priceless! Ecstatic…confident…pumped…amazed…and proud are just a few of the words I would use to describe their attitudes. Not one camper failed to make it over that wall!

             In less than two minute’s time these kids went from being scared and anxious to being NOT scared and NOT anxious. Why? Because they were able to conquer their fear and experience the joy of knowing we believed in them.

As parents your children need to know that you believe in them—that you are there for them to cheer them on and help them conquer their fears, and to show AND tell them that they can do anything they set their mind to.

Your kids are going to have a lot of walls to go over in this life—walls they are going to come to with an attitude of “I can’t”. Will you be there to tell them they can and will you be there when they come down the other side to say “Great job! I knew you could do it!”?

Love,

Momma D

                        Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.
                                                                                                                  

   

You Get What You Get And Don't Throw A Fit

A few years ago while my daughter was mowing the lawn, she stopped to cool off and asked (then) three year-old Laney to bring her a bottle of cold water or Gatorade® out of the refrigerator so she wouldn’t have to track grass clippings through the house.

Laney was happy to oblige…on one condition: As she went inside to get her momma a drink, she said, “You get what you get and no throwin’ a fit.”

Hhhmmmm….wonder where she heard that?

After Elizabeth quit laughing she assured Laney that no fit would be thrown and that whatever she brought her to drink would be fine and appreciated.

Parents, you need to make a point of showing and telling your children what Laney told Elizabeth: You get what you get and no throwin’ a fit.

*When your child cries foul over not getting first chair in band because the teacher likes someone better, don’t coddle and agree with them. They are still in the band and playing music.

*When your child isn’t voted Stuco President, don’t let them wallow in their self-pity saying the only reason the winner was chosen was because they’re rich or their dad is on the school board, or….

*When your child is pouting because they didn’t get as much time on the field as they wanted, don’t side with them and speak negatively or disrespectfully about the coach.

*When your child is upset over not getting in the same class or on the same team as their best friend, don’t let them whine and complain about it. They can still be friends…and make new ones, too.

In other words, you need to teach your children to be content with their circumstances and to make the best of them instead of whining, throwing a fit, and complaining that things are good enough or unfair.

You need to teach your child that being first, winning, being popular, and making straight A’s isn’t a requirement for being awesome and amazing. They also need to know that when they aren’t first, when they don’t win, or when things don’t go their way, jealousy, throwing a fit, and pouting aren’t acceptable behaviors.

Life isn’t fair and things aren’t always going to go their way, but when it isn’t and they don’t, whining, complaining, and throwing a fit doesn’t help. As parents, you need to instill in your children the basic truth that says: YOUR BEST ISN’T ALWAYS GOING TO BE THE BEST, BUT IF YOU DO YOUR BEST, IT’S ALL GOOD.

Love,

Momma D

                             Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                                                   

A Hamburger Named Albert

Growing up on a farm meant the kids had a realistic view of life and death. They also grew up knowing and appreciating what it takes for food to ‘magically’ appear on the shelves at the grocery store. Zach and Elizabeth basically had a matter-of-fact attitude about it all, but when it came time for our tender-hearted and wee-bit dramatic Olivia to be old enough to understand that some of the animals on our farm ended up in our freezer and on the table, we weren’t sure just how understanding she would be.

Thankfully she was very mature and very Olivia about the whole thing…

Three year-old Olivia raised Albert the little bull calf on a bottle. She’d even shown him in the fair a few weeks after he was born. But when Albert was a little over a year old, it was time for him to fulfill his purpose in being on the farm. It was time to butcher Albert.

Since Albert had grown far too big for Olivia to care for, she really didn’t seem to be bothered with the fact that he was no longer there. But the first night I fixed hamburgers for dinner (courtesy of Albert), we had a split-second of panic that bothered might not even begin to cover it.

Olivia knew that John had picked up our meat earlier that day so when she took a bite of her hamburger, before she started chewing, she asked, “Is this Albert?”

John and I exchanged glances and then calmly, but unapologetically, John said, “Yes, Olivia, it is.”

Olivia very thoughtfully and deliberately chewed and swallowed what was in her mouth, smiled really big, and said, “Well, he tastes pretty good, don’t he!”

NOTE: Collective sigh could be heard around the table.

At the ripe old age of four Olivia understood that everyone and everything has a purpose and that we should do our best to do just that.

As parents we have a responsibility to love and nurture our children in such a way that they can fulfill their purpose in life—the purpose of growing into loving, capable, and honorable adults.

Oh, there will be many stops along the way; experiencing childhood, puberty, first-love, a disease called I-know-it-all-you-know-nothing, and waking up to find themselves in the real world. But by keeping them focused and pointed in the right direction, they’ll make it. And when they do, you’ll thoughtfully and deliberately watch them and say to yourself or anyone who happens to be around…

“He (or she) does real good, don’t he?”

Love,

Momma D

                               Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be copied or used without permission from the author.
                                     
                                                                                                                                   

I Told You I Saw A Giant Snake!!!

If you read last week’s post you know I said that this week I’d be doing the ‘sequel’ to the birdhouse story. I changed my mind. Instead, I’ve decided to share a memory of me, my grandpa, my great-grandpa, and a really big snake.

Sunday afternoons were spent at my great-grandparents’ house. Coming from a large family, it wasn’t unusual for there to be anywhere from six to thirty-six relatives there. On this particular day, the crowd was slim and I was the youngest one there—three or four years old. My grandpa, great-grandpa, and two or three of my great-uncles were sitting on the front porch visiting and the women were in the living room of the house doing the same.

Bored by all the ‘grownup talk’, I hopped off my grandpa’s lap and went to play in the back yard. But on my way I encountered a really big black snake. I knew enough to turn around and run back to the house—in the back door and straight to Granny. When I told her there was a giant snake outside she didn’t believe me. I told her again. She still didn’t believe me. It was highly unusual for Granny to not believe me. I think the fact that I was liberally using the word ‘giant’ may have had something to do with her skepticism.

Realizing I wasn’t getting anywhere, I went outside and told my grandpa. He questioned my use of the word giant, too, but asked me where it was. Finally! Gee, it wasn’t like I was the little boy who cried wolf. Why was this so hard? Taking his hand, I told him I would show him. Then turning to my great-grandpa I asked him if he wanted to see the giant snake, too. He grinned, nodded his head, and stood up to follow me.

We didn’t have to go far, though, because the snake had decided to pay his respects and was now making his way onto the porch! Hopping up and down I started squealing, “I told you! I told you there was a giant snake

The next thing I knew my great-grandpa was ‘taking care’ of the snake with the garden hoe propped up against the house on the porch and all the commotion brought Granny and the others outside—where they saw the giant snake.

Once the commotion died down you can be sure a few apologies came my way for not believing me. But hey, it wasn't like I was in the habit of telling big ole whopper-lies, so it was the least they could do, right?

Have you ever ignored or not believed your child when they were trying to tell you something? I sure hope not, because I can tell you first-hand that being ignored or given the ‘brush off’ when you have something important to share is agonizing. It could also be dangerous. That black snake could have been a copperhead and your child’s story about the mean boy or girl, the creepy or unfair coach/teacher, the scary neighbor, or the cries that no one likes them should be heard, listened to, and acted upon.

Remember…always believe in your child unless they give you obvious and undeniable reasons not to. Believing what your child tells you should always be your initial response. If you don’t, they’ll quit talking. And I don’t think I have to tell you how dangerous (and sad) that would be.

Love,
Momma D

P.S. Just for the record, it really was a giant snake.
                          Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.
                                                                                                                               

                                                                               

When a Little Blue Hand is a Great BIG Deal

I still remember the day we received a package in the mail from our (then) three year-old grandson, Reuben. Okay, so his mom addressed it for him, but it was his idea to send it, so yah, it was from Reuben. 

Inside the package was a wooden birdhouse—the kind you get at the dollar store to paint and decorate. And was it ever! Each wall of the birdhouse was different, but the one I want to talk about today was the one that had a little blue handprint on it. 

This little blue handprint was the result of Reuben allowing Olivia to smear blue paint all over his hand so that he could make the impression on the birdhouse. Big deal, you say. Lots of kids have done that. Yes, I know, but to Reuben it really was a big deal. It was a really big deal because ordinarily Reuben wants and needs things to be ‘as they are supposed to be’. Paint isn’t supposed to be on your hands. It is supposed to be on brushes and paper and walls. So for him to consent to throwing conventionality out the window was HUGE to him—a major accomplishment. 

And knowing his reply to Olivia when she asked him what he wanted to do with the birdhouse after they were done with it, was, “Send it to Nanna”....well that was huge to me. J 

What accomplishments are huge to your kids? Do you even know? And more importantly, do you recognize them as such? Do you applaud the milestones they reach even though they may not seem like a big deal to someone else? Do you recognize and celebrate the hurdles they clear when they conquer a fear or try something outside of their comfort zone? Do you let them know you appreciate and respect the efforts they make? 

So while I know a little blue hand may not seem like much to some of you, I’m just as sure your kids have their own ‘little blue hand’ they need you to encourage them to experience and celebrate with them when they do. The question is, will you?

Love,

Momma D

                                 PS: Stay tuned next week for Little Blue Hand: The Sequal

                                                  
                                            Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.
                                                                                  

Due To The Weather, The Lion And Dragon Will Not Be Appearing Today

When you live in Missouri events like Halloween and the 4^th of July happen just like they do anywhere else in the country. But here in Missouri you also get the element of surprise called the weather.

We’ve celebrated the 4^th in swim suits and shorts, but we’ve also celebrated with jeans and hoodies on because of the ‘unusually cool temperatures’. The same goes for Halloween. We’ve trick-or-treated in sleet and snow wearing coats that made costumes invisible and we’ve done it carrying discarded masks and wigs because they were ‘too hot’. Too hot—that was the case the year Elizabeth and Olivia were supposed to be a cowardly lion and Pete’s dragon…

I’d found the costumes earlier in the year at a yard sale. They were so cute and someone had put a lot of time and talent into sewing them. That’s right—no flimsy fabric or stitching on these babies. Elizabeth would be four and Olivia would be two that fall—just the right size to wear them. I was thrilled. I was even excited for fall to arrive so they could wear them. And if you knew me, you would know that is a big deal because I love summer.

Anyway…Halloween finally arrived and we were going to go to Zach’s school so the girls could march in the costume parade with their brother and some of their friends who also had older siblings in school. It was a beautiful day—mid 70s. Too beautiful, it turns out, to be a lion and a dragon. The girls were miserable and drenched with sweat within ten minutes of putting on the costumes. They were fussing and crying; complaining that they were too hot.

I was crushed! I knew they wouldn’t be able to wear them the following year and Emma wasn’t born yet so I wasn’t thinking of saving them for the next one. “Come on, girls,” I thought. “You can do it, can’t you?” It was clear that they could not and would not. So what did I do? I hurriedly took the costumes off, put them in dress-up clothes, painted rosy cheeks and freckles on their faces, put pom-poms in Elizabeth’s hand and crown on Olivia’s head and they went as a cheer-leader and a princess…a happy and comfortable cheer-leader and princess.

Parents, summer is upon us. School is out and there are all sorts of activities available for you to sign your kids up for. But don’t. Don’t stuff them into a ‘costume’ that is uncomfortable and makes them wish they were anywhere else but there. Don’t push them into being someone they aren’t. Just because you want them to play a certain sport or take music lessons (dress as a lion and a dragon) doesn’t mean that’s what they are cut out to do.

Instead, ask your kids what they want. And then let them give it a try (within reason, of course). They may find their chosen activity isn’t what they thought it would be—and that’s okay. Or they might discover their niche…their passion. That’s okay, too. What matters is that they are comfortable and happy doing what they do in their extra-curricular activity. It’s theirs—not yours.

Love,
Momma D

                          Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.