Are You Over A Barrel

It was a warm-ish sunny day in mid-March. We were just finishing cleaning up the reception area of the church after our daughter Elizabeth’s wedding. Emma and I were carrying things to the car and Becca (who was eight months pregnant at the time) was walking to her car with 2 year-old Mackenzie beside her. Mackenzie suddenly spies a small outdoor play area and decides that it looks a lot more interesting than her car seat. In a split-second she lets go of Becca’s hand and takes off on a dead run for the play area.

For anyone who has ever been eight months pregnant you know going after Mackenzie was not an option. Just thinking about going after her was exhausting. What’s more, calling Mackenzie back to her just spurred Mackenzie on to run faster—away from her momma. So what did Becca do? She looked at Emma and said, “Get her, Emma! And bring her back to me.” (all said in a no-nonsense, she’s-in-big-trouble-now tone of voice).

This is a clear ‘case’ of Mackenzie having Becca over the proverbial barrel. 

Sure she was only 2, but she knew what she was doing. She knew she was getting away with something and that her momma was powerless to run after her. But Mackenzie’s victory was temporary. Emma was happy to oblige Becca, and if memory serves me correctly, she gave Mack a good scolding on the way back to where Becca was waiting to dole out a bit more discipline. 

Do your kids have you over a barrel? I’m not just talking about running toward a playground even when you tell them not to. And I’m not just talking about getting one more bedtime story and another drink of water three more times before the lights go out at night. Those things are part of dealing with raising a toddler. But the key phrase in that sentence is ‘dealing with’. If you don’t deal with these ‘barrel issues’ when they are little, your kids will have you right where they want you later on. 

So how do you make sure your kids don’t keep you over a barrel? I’m glad you asked. 

*Say what you mean and mean what you say. If you say ‘one more time’, then one more time is all there should be. If you say ‘no’ then stick to it. If you tell them they can’t have something, don’t give it to them to keep peace. 

*Set boundaries and enforce them. If a child breaks the rules (which we all know they will), make sure they suffer the consequences for doing so. Kids need rules, boundaries, consistency and they need you to be credible. They don’t just need it—they thrive on it. 

*Don’t be afraid of your kids. Too many parents these days are afraid to hurt their kids’ feelings or making them angry or upset. Too many parents are bending over a barrel willingly because they are afraid their kids won’t love them or like them. Trust me they love you. They even like you (most of the time). But what’s more, they need and want you. They need and want you to be strong, firm, fair, and constant. 

Don’t be afraid to stand up straight—to stand up to your kids and for your kids.

Love,

Momma D

                         Copyright 2017 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                       

I Was That Kid

Several months ago the media, doing what they seem to do best, incited the public against a mom’s insinuated lack of parenting skills when her toddler ended up in the clutches of a gorilla at the zoo. And then a few weeks ago the media once again took on the role of rebel-rouser when a parent shared her home-surveillance video which showed one of her toddler-aged twins pulling a dresser over on himself. Talk show hostesses and a plethora of others went into accuser-mode. How could this mom not have been there the instant the dresser fell—if not sooner? Or for that matter, how could she have let it happen in the first place?

Parents, give each other a break! Quit being so hard on each other—so mean to each other!

Stuff happens…fast. I know because I was that kid. When I was three I pulled a chest of drawers over on me because I was trying to get something from the top of –something that didn’t belong to me. My parents were just down the hallway in the living room…being good parents. 

When I was three I threw a fit when Granny took me for my first haircut. I’m talking major fit—the kind that sent my little black patent leather shoes flying across the room. This was not my normal behavior and it in no way reflected on Granny’s lack of discipline. Trust me. 

When I was four I gashed my chin open on the edge of our dining room table after slipping on some peanut butter while ‘tap dancing’ on said table-top while my mom was in the basement taking laundry from the wringer washer so she could hang it on the clothesline, which was also in the basement. Oh, and while she was doing that, she was also being a good mom. 

When I was six I ended up covered in poison sumac growing along the fence in the barn lot. A couple of doctor’s appointments and two kinds of medicine later, I was as good as new and no one even thought about blaming Granny or Mom for being neglectful. 

Until I was tall enough to not ‘have to’, I climbed on top of the counter tops to reach things in the kitchen cabinets. My favorite thing to get was the pancake syrup…as soon as my mom or Granny answered the phone (which was attached to the wall, back in those days). 

When I was seven...when I was nine…. I could keep going, but I won’t, because hopefully I’ve reminded you that wherever a child is present there is the potential for stuff to happen. 

Stuff happens in the blink of an eye. Stuff happens no matter how careful you are. Stuff happens no matter how consistent you are when it comes to discipline. Stuff happens because…well, just because. 

So before pointing fingers and laying blame, remember this: your kids just might be that kid before the day is over. 

Love,

Momma D

                       Copyright 2017 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                 

  

The Privilege Of Doing Things Over

In addition to sharing my Momma D advice and encouragement with you each month I've also been privileged to do the same for parents in Australia and the Philippians. I know, it’s crazy, isn’t it? A gal from Mid-Missouri giving advice to parents in three continents—just one of the many wonders of the internet.

Anyway…several months ago the magazine in Australia asked me to write an article on “Parenting MBA”—MBA being short for Minimal Behavior Accepted. The purpose of the article, I was told, was to motivate parents to decide what their ‘threshold of pain’ was in regards to how much they were willing to let slide before saying ‘enough is enough’.

As I thought about the angle the magazine's editor suggested I take, something both Granny and her mom (my great-grandma) always said kept running through my mind….

“If you don’t do it right the first time you will have the privilege of doing it again.”

There’s nothing minimal or MBA about that, is there? Neither Grandma or Granny was satisfied with anyone doing just enough to get by. I don’t remember it being enough for my mom either, and I know it wasn’t enough for John and me when we were raising our kids. And you want to know something?I’m glad for it.

Taking a minimal standards approach to parenting is damaging to your child's self-confidence and self-respect. Instead of sending the message that says you have confidence in their ability to do AND to learn, you are saying: 

*I won’t expect too much because I don’t think you are capable of giving it.

*I won’t expect too much because it doesn’t really matter. 

On top of that, you are encouraging your child to be lazy, irresponsible, selfish, and disrespectful of authority. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true...sadly true. 

Social media is flooded with posts and tweets about ‘the good ‘ole days’ and ‘remember when’s’ that speak of a time when respect, hard work, self-sufficiency, and other solid character traits were the norm rather than the exception they seem to be today. So if we really do long for that type of society and lifestyle again, then it’s up to those of you who are raising children to do something about it—something like raising the bar and setting higher expectations for your children than just minimal standards of behavior. 

I’m thankful I was expected to do things right--or do them over. I’m also not apologizing for having expected the same from my kids. What's more, I'm sure they wouldn’t want me to. Children need to know you believe they are capable of more than doing just enough to get by. Their confidence and success as a productive child and adult depends on it. So instead of settling for the least they can give, help them discover how much they have to offer. 

Love,

Momma D

                      Copyright 2019 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 
                                                                                                                

                                                                                                                    

Spaghetti Served Up With Love

https://abitofsaltygrace.blogspot.com/2019/02/you-cant-miss-it.html

                          Copyright 2017 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                             

The Earring Calamity

Back in the day when our son Zach was playing soccer, we spent quite a few Saturdays at the soccer park watching him play. Elizabeth and Olivia didn’t mind because most of the kids on Zach’s team had siblings who were the girls’ friends, so they all just played together. And Emma, who was three at this particular time, was happy as long as she had toys to play with and chocolate milk to drink.

In fact, I was getting more milk out of the cooler for Emma in-between games one Saturday when the ‘earring calamity’ happened and it happened like this…

Elizabeth, who had just celebrated her 12^th birthday two or three weeks prior, was sitting on the ground beside the car waiting for me to finish what I was doing when she exclaimed, “Oh, no! My earring fell out!” 

In most cases a missing earring wouldn’t be a big deal, but Elizabeth had just gotten her ears pierced for her birthday, so it was a big deal. She still had a month to go before she was supposed to take them out. After checking to make sure she was right, my first thought was that we’d never find the earring because we didn’t know when or where she’d lost it. But because the back of it was still ‘stuck’ to her ear, she was sure it had just happened. This led to my next thought—that we’d never find the earring in the gravel where she was sitting. Once again I was proven wrong. It took her less than a minute to find it (I still call that a miracle), wipe it off, and begin asking me to “please put it back in”.

I’m gonna be honest and tell you just thinking about it now makes me cringe and gives my tummy a little queasy feeling. And I’m not even squeamish about stuff like that. But because the piercing was so new and Elizabeth’s little ear was still so tender, it took multiple tries to poke, wiggle, and work that earring all the way through and secure it back in place. It hurt. It hurt a lot. But Elizabeth didn’t flinch. She made faces, gritted her teeth, let a few tears fall, and when I wanted to stop a couple of times because I knew I was hurting her, she insisted we keep going until the job was done. 

I’ve been proud of Elizabeth for many things in her life, and I’ve got to say that this day is definitely near the top of the list. Why? Because she didn’t let the pain or difficulties involved stand between her and doing what had to be done.

As parents we need to take a lesson from Elizabeth’s determination and strength. We need to look the issues and difficulties of parenting in the eye and keep going until we achieve the desired results. We need to stop being afraid to discipline our children effectively (and fairly) even though it’s not always pleasant or easy to do, because in the end everyone benefits. We need to stop being afraid to teach and require our children to have the strength and character to do the right thing even when doing the right thing hurts. 

If Elizabeth and I can do it, so can you!

Love,

Momma D

                              Copyright 2017 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                          

You Can't Judge a Listener by His (or Her) Actions

Earlier this year I was doing a presentation on WWII, based on my book, “All my love, George” for a group of middle schoolers. It was a great group of kids—very attentive and full of questions and comments  

At the end of the presentation I always invite the kids to come up to get a closer look at the original letters the book is based on and other WWII memorabilia that belonged to George. When twelve year-old Levi came up to the table he handed me a piece of paper and said, “I drew this for you while you were talking to us because I know this happened during WWII, too.”

I’d noticed Levi writing or doodling during most of the time I was there, but it didn’t bother me. He wasn’t being disruptive, so what was the harm? I just assumed my presentation wasn’t his ‘thing’. But when I reached out to take the paper from him, it was obvious my assumptions were wrong. I was blown away by the drawing he handed me. It was a drawing of the flag raising at Iwo Jima. I’m not talking about a few scribbles and stick people. It is amazing!

From all appearances Levi had completely tuned me out, but he hadn’t. Just the opposite was true. He was listening as intently as anyone else in the room…maybe even more than some.

As parents you need to be aware of the fact that like Levi, your children’s listening ability may not be dependent on constant eye-contact and what you consider to be their full attention. Children often have the ability to multi-task without compromising their comprehension

Judging a listener by his or her actions isn’t fair. And much of the time it’s not even justifiable. So before you accuse your child of not paying attention to you or of ignoring you, make sure you know what you are talking about. Instead of assuming, ask them to repeat what you’ve said or answer a question about what you’ve said. That way you’ll know for sure and who knows…you might even end up with an amazing drawing like I did.

Love,

Momma D

PS: My book, “Love, Momma D” is now available in print and e-reader formats from any online or brick and mortar book seller. When you purchase a copy of the book, 20% goes to the MY PEOPLE FUND to help the people of Gatlinburg rebuild their lives.

                            Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                         

                                                                                                                          

A Deer For My Mommy

How many times have you sat and watched a movie with your kids—one with a good dose of ‘hidden’ adult humor (clean and otherwise). We assume these comments fly right over the top of our kids’ heads. They don’t get it…or do they?

We pack up our kids and move them to a new house or even city without giving their thoughts and feelings much thought. After all, kids are resilient. They roll with the punches…or do they?

 In other words, kids have a lot more going on in their little heads than we often give them credit for and they are a lot more in-tune to what you are thinking and feeling than you think they are. Oh—and here’s something else you need to know…they care.

I was reminded of how true this is a few weeks ago when my four year-old grandson Reuben, ‘reached out’ to his mom to try to make her feel better…

I need to start by saying that deer hunting is a big deal in my family, but this year’s unusually warm, windy season made it more difficult for hunting than usual. In other words, Reuben’s mom, Olivia, didn’t get her deer. After she had been home from the hunting trip for a couple of days, Reuben asked his mom if she ‘found a deer in the woods’. After hearing her answer of “no”, Reuben got up off the floor and went to his room to play. Or so Olivia thought…

A short while later Reuben came back into the living room carrying a ‘deer’ made of Lego blocks and said, “Now you have a deer, Mommy. I made one for you.”

It wasn’t like Olivia was heartbroken or devastated over not getting a deer this year. That’s just the way it goes. But Reuben doesn’t know that yet. All he knows is that his mommy’s trip didn’t turn out the way she expected or hoped it would and he wanted to make her feel better.

So you see, your kids are conscious of what’s going on around them—conscious and concerned. That’s why it is important for us as parents and grandparents to be equally conscious and concerned about what we expose our children to, how we express ourselves, and our expectations of how they will handle it all.

Love,

Momma D

                            Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                      

The Makings Of A Real Princess

Several years ago a friend of mine, whose little girl received countless compliments on her pretty curls and big brown eyes, actually started ‘correcting’ people when they said things like, “I bet you can get anything you want when you look at someone with those big brown eyes” or “You sure are a pretty little girl." When people said these things, my friend would smile and politely say, “Thank you, but we're really happy she’s such a good listener and helper”, or “She’s also very good girl and that’s what makes her so special.”

I’ve always admired her wisdom in doing that. I’ve also had several reasons to think about what she’s said; including one that happened just a few days ago…

My three year-old granddaughter, Laney, and four year-old niece, Alexis, were having a discussion about who was going to be the queen or princess. When Alexis said she thought she should be the queen, Laney quickly countered with, “I am the queen because I am wearing a very beautiful dress.” Laney’s line of reasoning must have made sense to Alexis, too, because there was no more discussion on the matter and they went right on playing.

The incident was completely innocent and logical as far as Laney and Alexis were concerned. After all, why wouldn’t it make sense? Belle wears yellow, Cinderella wears blue, Sleeping Beauty wears pink, Elsa wears blue, and Merida wears green. Different colors, yes, but they are all fancy and “very beautiful” dresses. But parents, let’s think about something: is that the perception you want your little girls to have when it comes to what it takes to make a princess? And do you want your little boys to think the way a little girl looks is what matters most? Or…

Would you rather your little ones know our ‘princess-ness’ comes from the inside out? Now I’m not saying little girls shouldn’t play princess or dress up like Cinderella and her cohorts (my personal favorite is Merida, if anyone cares). As a matter of fact, each and every one of these colorfully-dressed young ladies can easily and truthfully be described as beautiful on the inside as well as the outside. Belle sees beyond someone’s appearance and looks straight into their heart. Cinderella’s gentle and kind spirit is what makes her so endearing, and Merida’s determination to be recognized for her courage and her intellect take her farther than even she thought possible.

So again—there’s nothing wrong with playing dress-up, wanting to look nice, or even wearing a “very beautiful dress”. Nothing at all…as long as you never fail to impress on your children that these things are just the icing on the cake, so to speak, and that the makings of a real princess are first and foremost, love, courage, truth, kindness, and compassion.

Love,

Momma D

                               Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                                

                

Thankful For Each Day I Am Called Mom

If you don’t keep up with me on Facebook and Twitter, you might not know that the book, “Love, Momma D”, which is a collection of several of Momma D’s blog posts over the past few years, is due to be released the middle of December (just in time for Christmas).

I was sharing this information with a young mom I spoke to a few days ago at a book signing for one of my other books, which lead to some great conversation. She asked me a few questions about the blog and book and then asked why I chose to write about parenting. It didn’t take me more than a second or two to answer her by saying, “Because our kids deserve the very best we can give them in unconditional love and I want every parent to know that.”

As I was saying those words, my mind immediately went to the post I wrote a couple of years ago called “It’s A Great Day To Be Alive”. I won’t retell the entire story, but in celebration of Thanksgiving, I'll sum it up in just a few sentences by saying:

·         Four year-old Emma was singing Travis Tritt’s It’s a Great Day to be Alive at the top of her lungs…and believed in her heart it truly was.

·         As I listened to her I was thankful she felt that way and hoped and prayed she and my other three children would always know that every day is a great day to be alive when you have the love of God, family, and friends to count on.

·         As parents we need to make sure that our children know that every day is a great day to be alive because of the fact that they are unique and cherished.

We also need to remind ourselves each and every day of how thankful we should be for the blessing of being called Mom and Dad because it’s the absolute best gig there is.

Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours,

Momma D

                           Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                        

How NOT To Raise Your Kids

I recently read an article that focused on what parents are doing wrong these days when it comes to raising their children. It was well-written and spot-on and I want expound on one of the seven reasons they listed as being the reason children are turning out to be brats (their word, but an accurate one). Reason: Quit bending over backwards trying to make your kids happy. Instead, teach your children that happiness is a state of mind. 

Quit apologizing for telling your kids ‘no’ (if you even dare to say it at all). Children need to be told no. They don’t need to get their way all the time. They don’t need to get everything they want. They need to know that ‘no’ is word that makes them more compassionate, kinder, safer, humble, and nicer. 

Quit instantly satisfying their every whim and want. They don’t need to be pacified at all cost while waiting in line. They need to learn to wait patiently. They don’t need to expect you to whip through the drive-thru every time they mutter that they are thirsty. They won’t dehydrate. Unless it is an actual emergency, finish what you are doing before retrieving a toy, getting their snack, tying their shoe, etc.. They need to learn to wait their turn. 

Quit promising treats in exchange for desired behavior. They need to know good behavior is expected—not something you earn from them if you pay up. 

Apologizing for discipline, pacifying their want (NOT their need) for instant gratification, and placing conditions on their behavior are all sure-fire ways to turn a perfectly wonderful little person into a little person who is selfish, spoiled, entitled, lacking in compassion, and feeling incredibly insecure. That’s right—insecure. Children raised in this type of environment will never feel respected or accepted by people who don’t bend over backwards to make them happy (which is everyone other than their parents) and will be severely lacking in knowing how to have a real and sincere relationship. 

If you think that sounds too harsh, you’ll get no apologies here. What I am sorry for, though, are all the kids out there who don’t know that “No means no” because it’s a lesson they need to know in order to be able to navigate life successfully.

Love,
Momma D

                        Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.