A few days ago, I had the
honor of being a guest on a national podcast. The subject matter: how to handle
the empty next thing. The podcast host, Erinn Kennedy-Heldt, and her husband
are new empty-nesters, so one of the first questions she asked was, “How? How
did you handle the change after pouring all those years into being a mom?”
My answer: “I got it
right most of the time, but I bungled a few things. And when I say I bungled
them, I mean there were times when things were really, really ugly.”
From there the
conversation went in two or three different directions—mainly about what you
need to try to teach your kids before they fly the coop, and how hard (but
necessary) it is for parents to stop parenting and be ‘just’ Mom and Dad.
The biggest problem with
making this transition is that neither the parents nor the kids really know how
to make a clean break, so it usually ends up going something like this…
It’s incredibly difficult
and counterintuitive for parents to just let go. After spending all those years
being hypervigilant about keeping your kids safe, healthy, and provided for, you
are expected to slam on the brakes, turn off the engine, and walk away. And
your kids? Well, these young people who have reached the magical age (in years)
of adulthood view this milestone as their rite of passage to do what they want,
when they want, however they want, without your advice, input, or interference…until
they want you. And when they want you, it almost always means they are in over
their heads and need you (expect you) to fix it. Whatever ‘it’ is.
“We’ve already experienced
that,” Erinn said, “but what do you do? You want to help them. You want to
teach them. But you can’t be a doormat.”
I agreed. And then I said
something which I had been trying to find the words to say for the past several
years but for some reason, they just never seemed to come to me. And suddenly,
there they were, coming out of my mouth like it was no big deal. But it was a
big deal. A really big deal, because it’s what I, along with every other parent
desperately need our adult children to know.
Here’s what I said:
“We need to just put
it out there—to make ourselves vulnerable to them. Because when we do, we
become credible, too. And here’s what I mean when I say, ‘putting it out there’.
Tell your kids you know letting them go is the thing to do, but that they can’t
possibly understand how hard it is to let go—that it goes against everything they
have done since the day you were born. Follow that up by telling them you are
sorry for the mistakes you are going to make, because rest assured, you will
make them. Next, tell them that it has been your joy and privilege since the
day the day they were born to be on 24/7 duty to keep them safe, fed, clothed,
healthy, entertained, educated, protected, disciplined, and loved more than
they can ever imagine. Then finally, remind them that during all those years
you have extended to them grace upon grace, mercy upon mercy, forgiveness upon
forgiveness, and more patience than you ever imagined you could, so…you would appreciate
it if they would pay it forward a bit. If they would show some grace, mercy,
forgiveness, and patience in this process, everyone would be better for it.”
Whew! That felt so good,
because like I said, these are the things on every parent’s heart when their
children leave home. Trust me.
So, whether or not you and
your kids are just now taking those first steps into this season of life, or
you’ve been walking…teetering…staggering…or whatever along this path for a while,
these are the two take-aways from what I said.
Parents, you’ve
done your job. It’s time for your adult children to use, discard, or put on
hold all that you instilled in them. It’s their choice, not yours, so don’t try
to make it your choice. This isn’t to say you cannot or should not be there for
them, but now it’s an invitation-only event. Oh, and don’t think that agreeing
to disagree means you failed as a parent. They have minds of their own just
like you do. And above all, make sure they know with their whole heart that you
love them with that unconditional ‘just because you’re my child’ kind of love.
Adult children, if
you have children of your own, know how hard it is to be a parent and that
there’s no such thing as doing it without making more than a few mistakes. You now
realize that there is no way on God’s green earth the day will ever come
when you no longer care, worry, wish you could take the brunt of their
heartaches, or stop them from making mistakes even though you know it’s part of
the growing up process. You also know that you never stop wanting the best for
them, will always do anything in the world for them, and that you love them
forever and always more than life itself. So please don’t begrudge your moms
and dads for being who they became when ethey gave you life.
In other words, parents
and adult kids, be golden to each other, i.e., treat them the way you want them
to treat you.
Love,
Momma D
Who am I?
I’m Darla Noble—Author, Speaker, and Ghostwriter with over thirty years of experience. I am known for being a great storyteller, but not merely for the sake of telling a story. The stories I tell are a) true and b) they always have a takeaway, i.e., a life lesson meant to help you be a better version of yourself.
I’m Darla Noble—wife, mom, nanna, and a little ‘oldish’ lady who loves Jesus, her family, playing in the dirt, walking…walking…and more walking, riding bikes, eating popcorn, roast beef, Mexican food, reading, and watching old sitcoms.
What do I write?
Inspirational nonfiction—Christian devotionals, books that spark the creativity in every mom and nanna’s heart, and one that breathes new life into the art of being a good neighbor and reminds you of why it matters.
Historical nonfiction—WWII and family memoirs.
Character Education & Family Fun—Books that use science and scripture to teach positive character, scavenger hunts of all kinds that are both educational and FUN, and write-in journals for tweens and teens.
What do I say and who do I say it to?
*WWII hands-on display and presentation based on “All My Love, George…Letters from a WWII Hero”. The presentation consists of brief reading from the book, an interactive time of Q&A, and time for participants to view and examine a variety of WWII memorabilia including George’s original letters and medals.
*Keepsake In The Making Classes, using the book, “Please Pass the Memories” as inspiration, the class consists of exploring and brainstorming fun, creative, and interesting ways we can use your family’s keepsakes, recipes, photos, stories, and even traditions (YIKES) to bring past, present, and future generations of your family together. Everyone needs and wants to have a sense of who and where they come from, and the Keepsake In The Making Class is the perfect way to do just that!
*Women’s ministry events/conferences/retreats. I offer several programs that are easily adaptable to fit your needs and timeframe. Workshops for each one are optional. Programs offered include: “Jesus and Zinnias Make Me Smile”, “Deuteronomy 6 Parenting”, “Please Pass the Memories:, “Love, Momma D; Getting to the Heart of Parenting From the Heart”, and “Sippin’ Tea With Jesus”. NOTE: I am also happy to speak on a topic/subject matter of your choosing.
*The Nanna Subscription—an easy, but oh, so fun mini-class which equips Nanna, Gma, Granny, Mama, Mimi, or whatever name your grandkids have for you, with EVERYTHING you need to engage and connect with your grandkids on a regular basis. No matter how young or old they are, no matter how many miles separate you, no matter how many grandkids you have, no matter…anything!
*Brighten the Corner Where You Are” is my newest book as well as the focus of an event I offer to individuals, community chambers of commerce, neighborhood organizations, HOAs (Home Owner Association), church groups, and anyone else interested in reviving the art of being a genuine friend and neighbor. Participants will discover (or rediscover) the value of kindness among neighbors, and of having a small circle of people you can count on and who can count on you…no matter what.
*Fun with science and a few illusions, “The Sneaky Banana Lesson (plus 26 more)” is a character education program for ages 5 to 15. This event is engaging, interactive, and overflows with life lessons young people relate to and that will make them want to be a little better and stand a little taller.
*If you don’t think it’s possible to have fun teaching math, science, verbal skills, ordering, rational thinking, and grammar, social skills, and team building, think again! “The Medium-Sized Book of Scavenger Hunts” event gets kids up and about, inside and out, talking and listening, and learning on the sly. This event is fun for classrooms, parties, family events, social gathers, team building, and lots more.
Fees for events vary. For more information, questions, or to book an event, CONTACT ME at dnoblewrites@yahoo.com, on Linkedin (Darla Noble), or on Facebook (Darla Noble).
Where can you find me?
My books are available worldwide via Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or directly from me when you email me at dnoblewrites@yahoo.com. You can also request any title from your favorite brick and mortar bookstore.
