The Investment with the Highest Returns

My Granny taught me so many things; how to garden, how to can fruits and vegetables, make jellies, wilted lettuce, and cottage cheese, churn butter, and the list goes on and on and on. I’m able to do many things most people these days don’t even realize can be done outside of a factory all because of Granny. But it’s not so much what she taught me as how she taught me.

Granny was never in too much of a hurry to let me do things with her.  From the time I was about 5 years old, we worked side by side. She patiently showed me what to do and how to do it right. I can’t count the times she’s say, “I’ll tell you like my mom always told me…if you don’t do it right the first time, you’ll get the privilege of doing it again.”

It would have been so much easier (and quicker) for her to do things herself, but she didn’t. She could have used the ‘watch me so you’ll know what to do when you get older’ approach, but she didn’t. No, instead, Granny used the hands-on approach to teaching me to be a woman who knew how to provide for her home and her family.

As mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and teachers, we need to take a lesson from Granny. Each time we pass up the opportunity to walk a little slower to allow little feet to keep up with us, or deny ourselves the privilege of sweeping up an extra cup of flour off the floor after baking a batch of cookies, or opt for flower beds with flowers perfectly color coordinated and spaced instead of one with a more whimsical look, we have passed up a golden opportunity to make special memories with the children we love. These moments-I call them ‘teachable moments’-are lost forever once they pass, so see them for the treasures they are and make the most of them whenever you get the chance.

The memories we have of the special people in our lives are the result of their ability to see these teachable moments for what they are. In other words, these people took the time to investment in us-in our lives. And in turn, we need to make a similar investment into the lives of the young people we love. Think of it as the emotional circle of life.

I couldn’t possibly talk this emotional circle of life and investing yourself into someone’s life without talking about Carol Bennett. She touched hundreds of lives and invested a part of herself in each and every one of them…

Carol Bennett was my daughter, Elizabeth’s, kindergarten teacher. She had been teaching for many years when Elizabeth had her and was nearing the end of her career. But Carol was a good teacher and it was obvious she truly cared about her students. But never in a million years would I have imagined she would continue to care so many years later.

Fast forward from kindergarten to Elizabeth’s senior year in high school; graduation was approaching and Elizabeth was receiving gifts and cards from family and friends. One evening as she was opening up the mail she had received, I heard her say, “Oh, isn’t that so sweet!” I was just about to ask her what she thought was ‘so sweet’, when she sat a card and picture down in my lap. The card was from her kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Bennett. It read, “I’m proud to have been a part of your education. Good luck in the future.” The picture was one Elizabeth had drawn in kindergarten!

Each year Carol Bennett kept one picture from each of her students. And 13 years later she took the time to send it-along with a card of congratulations to each student who was still in the area.  Carol had retired two or three years after Elizabeth had been in her class, so the fact that she wasn’t even involved in the school system anymore and had a plethora of other things she could have been doing with her time, made it even more special. I know I don’t need to tell you this, but Carol Bennett is someone who cares!

Remember…at the heart of some of our most treasured memories is the fact that someone like Granny or Carol let us know how much we meant to them. Whose memories are you helping to make?  

 

 

Love,

 

Momma D

 

                                                          

 

My kids Grew Up Without Cable and haven't Been to Disney World...Should I be Worried?

A few weeks ago I shared with you my memories of presenting Zach with his swing set in an effort to remind you that giving your child presents should never be a replacement for your presence. I want to take that ‘lesson’ a little farther this week by reminding parents that things don’t make the home any more than clothes make the man…

John and I raised our kids in house that was less than 2,000 square feet in size. All three girls shared a bedroom for several years, no one had their own bathroom (not even John and I), we didn’t have cable television until Emma was fourteen and the only one left at home, family vacations consisted of camping trips and county fairs for showing livestock and our kids actually had chores they were expected to do and do correctly. And guess what…they all lived to tell about it!

Don’t get me wrong—when one of their friends asked why they lived in such a little house or told them they were sorry they didn’t have cable, my heart would skip a beat in fear it would embarrass my kids. Or when they talked about how so-and-so was going to Disney World or on a cruise over spring break, I can’t deny I sometimes wished we could do something like that for them.

I’m thankful and proud, however, that none of that seemed to bother our children. They had fields and outbuildings to play in, bikes to ride, pets to play with, a swimming pool to cool off in, a swing set and tree swing to enjoy and toys which allowed them to be creative and imaginative. They were loved, well-fed, ‘stuck’ with me all day (they were my career) and provided a life that was about a lot more than stuff.

What’s the point, you ask? The point is this: your children don’t need half the things you think they do. They don’t need video games and television to stimulate their minds. They need an empty box and an old blanket to do that. They don’t need expensive vacations in order to make family memories. They need board games and popcorn, fishing and camping trips, or games of hide-n-seek and lightening bugs in jars to do that. And finally, they don’t need big houses because houses don’t make homes—people do.

So in answer to the question I asked, “Should I be worried?”, the answer is NO! And you shouldn’t be either.

I can say this will complete confidence because Zach, Elizabeth, Olivia and Emma will readily admit to having great memories of growing up on a farm, in a little house, taking family camping trips and watching Darkwing Duck and reruns of 7^th Heaven instead of whatever the newest shows were at the time.  Not only that, all four are happy, loving and intelligent. They are loving and supportive spouses and parents and have good people skills. What's more, they did it all without a ride down Space Mountain or having fifty-two channels to choose from. However did that happen!?

Love,

Momma D

                                                             

Once Upon a Time...

Last Sunday afternoon John and I returned our two oldest granddaughters, six year-old Mackenzie and three year-old Macy, to their parents after having them with us for a week. Minutes into the hour-long drive, Mackenzie asked, “Nanna will you tell us a story?”

She wasn’t asking for the traditional “Little Red Riding Hood” or “Princess and the Pea”. The kind of story Mackenzie and Macy were asking for was the kind only very few people besides me can tell them. They wanted a story--or several stories about our family. Some of these stories aren’t really stories at all—not by definition, anyway. But that doesn’t matter to Mack and Macy.

To them, the stories I tell them about their daddy coming face to face with an enormous black snake or going up against an angry llama so I wouldn’t get hurt are as exciting as it gets. They laugh when I tell them about Great-great chasing a baby pig around a parking lot or when I tell them about the time Aunt Olivia and I chased goats along the highway. They love to hear about all the pets their daddy and aunts had growing up and about the many ‘adventures’ we had living on the farm.

As I was telling them (for the ??? time) about our dog, CD—who Mack sometimes accidentally refers to as disc—J she asked me, “Nanna, the next time we come to your house, can we make a book to put the stories in?” My answer, in case you have any doubt, was YES!

And wouldn’t you know it…just minutes after Mack’s request, Miranda Lambert’s The House that Built Me started playing on the radio. Coincidence? Most likely, but nevertheless, it tugged at my heart; reminding me of how important it is to share my life’s story with my children and grandchildren.

I want to remind you to do the same, because when we share our life’s stories with our children and grandchildren, we:

·         Give them a sense of belonging

·         Give them a piece of history…their history

·         Build a sense of trust between us and them—when we share our life with them they are more apt to share their life with us

·         Allow them to have a more realistic view of who we are

·         Allow them to be able to laugh at and learn from the past as well as their own bobbles and mishaps

So go ahead—gather your children and even your grandchildren around you and start talking. It’s as simple as saying, “Once upon a time…”

Love,

Momma D 

                                                   

 

                                                                       

                                                 

 

 

And then one day they decide it's okay to like and love one another

If you have more than one child, part of your day includes being a referee. Hey, it’s in the job description…or it would be…if there was a job description for being a parent.

Most of the time, you try not to laugh, roll your eyes, or just look at your kids and say, “Seriously? Are you really arguing about that?” Trust me—I’ve heard it all...

NOTE: for my kids’ sake I won’t insert names here, but they know…J

“His piece is bigger than mine.”

“I’m doing more work that you and it’s not fair.”

“You’re the baby so they always take your side.”

“She did it first.” “No, she did it first.” “I did not…you did.” “No, you did…”

“Quit touching my blanket.”

“Quit touching my seat belt.”

“She broke my doll’s leg on purpose.”

“You told me to lick my shoe.”

“It’s not fair he gets to stay up later.”

“He said The Aristocats was broken so I couldn’t watch it.”

“Get your stuff off my bed”

“Get your feet over on your side.”

"It’s your fault for telling me I had to ride my bike down the stairs.”

I would be lying if I said it was like this all the time, because it wasn’t. In fact, most of the time my kids played together really well and they always banded together when an ‘outsider’ did anything to upset them. But oh, there were times when I wondered if they would ever be able to just get along.

Can I get an AMEN? Are nodding your head and offering a silent prayer of thanks that you’re not alone in wondering if the squabbling will ever end? If so, then you are going to be delighted with a capital D to learn that the answer is yes, it does.

Elizabeth and Olivia depend on one another to care for each other’s children when John and I aren’t available. Tonight Zach’s girls are sleeping peacefully at Aunt Boo Boo, Uncle Craig and Laney’s house because they know they are loved and welcome there. When Macy was critically ill, Zach and Becca had the love and support of his sisters in whatever ways they could help. As a military wife and new mom, Emma knows she can count on her siblings to encourage her via SKYPE and phone calls.

In other words…my children don't just love one another. They actually like each other and want to be together. So don’t despair. If you feel you spend more time mediating, separating and investigating (to find out who is really telling the truth), hang in there because there IS light at the end of the tunnel—a light that will warm your heart as you watch the peace and quiet unfold.

Love,

Momma D

                                               

Lessons Learned from Olivia

Each week I try to encourage parents to parent from the heart; loving unconditionally and seeing their children for the gifts of life they are. In sharing my life’s teachable moments with you, my intent is to encourage you to make the most of the teachable moments you create and fall into with your child.

This week, however, I’m going to take a different approach. This week, in honor of my daughter Olivia’s birthday, I want to share with you just a few of the life-lessons she’s taught me over the last 26 years in hopes you will acknowledge what you've learned from your children. And believe me, she’s quite a teacher!       

•  In trying to come into this world 4-5 months early, she taught me that I would do anything and everything to keep my children safe.She also taught me that doing anything and everything to keep your children safe is completely worth it.
• She reaffirmed (many times over) that it is never okay to fill someone else’s grocery cart with random items off the shelf…even if you are an adorable toddler and that when apologizing to strangers about retrieving said items from their carts is easy, you need to make a lasting impression on your adorable toddler.
• I now know that when your child wanders off in a department store your child doesn’t feel nearly as stressed and frantic as you do.
• She taught me that you can define yourself rather than allowing other people or your surroundings to define you…that you can be a graceful ballerina AND a girl who pulls her weight working sheep and hauling hay.
• When she said “When I grow up I want to be a teenager” she was teaching me that reaching smaller, more attainable goals is what most of us need in order to keep making goals at all.
• When she broke out in song in the middle of Walmart at the sight of a nun wearing a habit for the first time (“How do you Solve a Problem Like Maria), I learned that the world won’t stop turning if you do something a bit unconventional. I also learned the rumors that nuns never smile and don’t have a sense of humor aren’t true.
• She taught me that one of life’s greatest blessings is to be both mother/daughter and friends.
• She taught me that I’m not always right—that it’s not possible to pick blackberries without getting chiggers no matter how much bug spray you put on.
• She taught me that bad choices and hard times don’t last forever if you keep on loving and praying.
• She taught me that when you realize God is all you have, you’ll also know that God is really all you need.
• She taught me that the labor pains of adoption are far worse than anything any of us who give birth naturally would ever experience.

·        And the lessons just keep coming…

•      She teaches me that strength and perseverance is more about what you think and how you feel than it is how far you can run.
•      Because of her I know that daily phone calls from your child are a blessing that should never be taken for granted (even when I tease her about it).
•     She recently revealed that when I’m least expecting it she will surprise me by being more like me than I ever imagined.

Happy birthday, Olivia! I love you and am thankful I am both your teacher and your student.

Now my question to all my readers is this: what have you learned from your children and are you putting what you’ve learned to good use?

Love,

Momma D

                                                                       

A Turtle Named Erin

Last week I said goodbye to several teenagers I’ve watched grow up—wishing them the best as they get ready to leave for college, encouraging them to remain true to their faith and relationship with God and promising to stay in touch. As I was doing so, though, a mental picture of my daughter Emma and her pet turtle, Erin, flashed into my mind…

I don’t remember the exact circumstances of how we found Erin. What I do remember, though, is how much Emma loved her tiny little pet. And with a shell diameter of not more than three inches, she (we assumed it was a she) was the smallest turtle I’d ever seen other than the ones they sold in pet stores years ago.

Erin’s box house immediately took up residence next to Emma’s bed. She was fed vegetables, her water was kept fresh and said house was kept clean and odor-free. In other words, Emma’s skills as a turtle’s ‘mom’ were first-rate. But a little more than a year later Emma’s love for Erin took a right-turn down the road of unselfishness when she made the choice to do what was best for Erin. Emma announced it was time to let Erin go back to her natural environment. She wasn’t bored with taking care of her turtle or wanting to rid herself of the responsibility. No, with all the wisdom a little girl of seven or eight could have, she just knew it was time for Erin to live life as a turtle was meant to.

So with the help of Elizabeth and Olivia, Emma (with tears streaming down her face) carried Erin to the edge of the woods, said her good-bye’s and watched Erin take off for the great unknown. She only watched for a minute or two, however, before running back to the house crying.

When a fair amount of time had passed and Emma was still crying and wishing she had Erin back, Elizabeth and Olivia told me they were going to go find Erin. Yah, right, I thought. Like that is going to happen? But I didn’t say that. I just told them to be careful and to not get their hopes up because Erin was most likely a lot farther away than they were allowed to go. Wrong! The girls weren’t gone any time before they came running back in…carrying Erin! It turns out Erin wasn’t so crazy about being all alone in the world. That silly turtle was actually in the yard heading toward the house! I don’t need to tell you what happened next. J

One of the most bittersweet moments of being a parent is the moment in which your child leaves home for the last time as a ‘kid’; on their way to becoming an adult. We are happy, excited, thankful, proud, worried, sad, melancholy and possibly even relieved (hey, honesty is the best policy). We want them to be productive, happy and self-sufficient—that’s what we raise them to be. But take it from me—that still won’t make those tugs on your heartstrings hurt any less.

So what’s a parent to do? Let them go and wait for them to come back on their own. When you parent from the heart; loving, nurturing and teaching your children to be their best possible self, they will leave. They need to leave. But the same things that gave them the power and desire to leave will bring them back again better than ever!

Love,

Momma D 

Bring Back the Lost Art of Manners

Elizabeth and Olivia never liked playing with Barbie dolls. They didn't even own one. They preferred to play with their Cabbage Patch dolls, dance and flip around the yard and the house and playing all sorts of make-believe games. That's why I held my breath when one of Elizabeth's friends gave her a Barbie doll at her 8th birthday party. The games had been played and the goodies had been eaten when Elizabeth (with her friends and little sister gathered around her) started opening her gifts. When she pulled the box containing the doll from the gift bag, I held my breath for a second--hoping she didn't a little girl's feelings by expressing dislike for the gift. But a second was all it took, because without missing a beat, Elizabeth looked at her friend and smiling said 'thank you'.

Teaching your children to have and use good manners is an essential of parenting. Not only are you giving your children good social skills, you are giving them the ability to respect and to be respected. You are instilling in them the truth that says "I am not better than you. We are all special and unique and deserve to be appreciated."

So how do you raise your children to be mannerly? By being that way yourself. Don't demand things from them. Ask nicely. Say 'please' and 'thank-you'. Knock before entering their bedroom (once they reach school age) to show you respect their privacy and personal space and remind them to do the same for you. Insist on everyone using proper table manners and phone etiquette. Teach them to make eye contact when speaking to someone, to hold the door open for people in public places when appropriate...to treat others they way they themselves want to be treated.

The use of proper manners is something we don't see much of these days. Instead, parents make excuses for their child's rude behavior. The problem, however, is that there is no excuse. Instead, there is a reason. And the reason so many children have such bad manners is that they've not been taught any differently. So live and teach good manners. After all, actions speak louder than words.

Love,
Momma D

P.S. After the party was over, Elizabeth asked if she could exchange the doll for something she would play with. I was more than happy to oblige.

                                                                          

A Valentine for Marge

As parents we try to raise our children to be kind and honest and to respect themselves and others. One way John and I did this was by giving our children the gift of elderly people in their lives.

Now before you start thinking I’m being insensitive or disrespectful, let me explain. We were always conscious of making sure our children knew the older people in their lives—not just by looking at them from across the room or grinning and bearing up under a few cheek-pinching extended family members. No, we really encouraged them to view the older people we knew as friends.

Over the years I’ve been blessed to receive a number of compliments from others as well as affirmations from our kids that we’d been successful in this endeavor, but one particular incident is especially dear to my heart…

Emma was three years old and excited to be scribbling her name on the back of her “Little Mermaid” valentine cards just like her siblings were. On the Saturday before Valentine’s Day that year, they were filling out cards to take to their friends at church the following day. Emma was telling me who she wanted to make cards for and at the top of her list was Marge. Marge was a sweet little lady who was in her eighties. She barely spoke above a whisper and was really a bit on the shy side, but she loved Emma and Emma wanted to make sure Marge knew the feeling was mutual by giving her the brightest, most sparkling card in the box.

I can still see Emma running to Marge to hand her the card and the hugs and smiles that followed after she opened it. In spite of an eighty year span in their ages, these two were truly friends.

Giving your children the gift of older people in their lives should be a priority to you. In doing so your children are exposed to the wisdom of those who’ve lived longer. They enjoy the fact that older people often have time and patience to be with children. Children are seen as a welcome breath of fresh air and energy by many older people. Your children learn endurance, integrity, the value of commitment and responsibility from the older people in their lives as well as a number of other character traits we should possess. And it all happens just because two separate and very different generations walk the common ground called friendship.

I know they can learn these things from you, too. And they should. But there’s just something about different generations spending time together—forming an actual relationship—that plants these life-lessons deeper within our hearts and minds.  

Love,

Momma D

                                                                

Presence vs. Presents

Thirty years ago I experienced one of the greatest moments of joy in my life as I stood on the front porch with two year-old Zach as John pulled into the driveway with a swing-set on the back of his truck. When Zach realized what was happening, he put his little hands to his face and with those big brown eyes shining, he asked, “Is that fo me? Just fo me?” (Yes he had a little trouble with his r’s, but that made it all the sweeter).

It wasn’t Christmas or his birthday. We just wanted our little guy to have a swing-set to play on and it was the time of year they were marking them down to make way for fall/winter merchandise. Neither were we in the habit of buying him gifts ‘just because'. We couldn’t. That swing-set took a big bite out of  our little budget, but it was something we really wanted to do. It made our hearts happy to be able to make Zach happy.

One of the joys of being a parent is to be able to give our children (at least some of) the things they want. It gives a whole new meaning to ‘it’s better to give than to receive’, doesn’t it? But for all the pleasure and happiness these things may bring, there’s one present our children want more than anything in the world that can’t be ordered from Amazon or stuffed in a gift bag. It’s the present of presence…your presence.

That swing-set survived a move more than half-way across the state and brought countless hours of joy to Zach, Elizabeth, Olivia and Emma. And there have been other gifts given to each of them that have elicited shrieks of excitement and a barrage of ‘thank-you, thank-you, oh, thank-you’. But when my kids talk about their childhood, they don’t talk about the things John and I gave them. They talk about the time we spent with them…

• Games of hide-n-seek followed by catching lightening bugs to go to sleep by
• Fishing trips, camping trips and deer hunting
• Herding wayward goats (I hate goats) off the highway
• Making never-forgotten memories working together at church camp
• Sledding behind the four-wheeler
• Losing our voices cheering at soccer games and cross-country meets
• Building fence, weeding the garden and taking care of baby lambs
• Watching and waiting for our beloved milk-cow to have her calf
• Church Christmas programs, youth group and mission trips
• The county fair
• Putting up hay
• Butchering chickens, gathering eggs, learning to make butter

So while there is nothing wrong with giving your children presents, don’t ever let these presents be a replacement for your presence in their lives…an active, constant, loving and reliable presence.

Remember…it’s the most valuable gift you can give and it’s all they really want.

Love,

Momma D

                                                                  

Not a Bad Egg in the Bunch

When Elizabeth was seven years-old she found herself in the position of being faced with the fact that people’s opinions are often based upon outward appearances—even when they shouldn’t be…

It happened at County Achievement Day; a day in which 4-H members exhibit the projects they’ve worked on over the last year. Additionally, members of the community are invited to serve as judges; speaking to the children individually about what they’ve made/done and awarding them the ribbons they feel each child deserves.

On this particular day Elizabeth proudly entered a dozen eggs she’d gathered from her hens the night before. They were uniform in size, the shells were ‘healthy’ (no soft or veiny spots) and thankfully the nests were clean so the eggs were, too.

Now I know what you’re thinking…that all she would have had to do was wash the eggs. But washing the waxy coating off eggs exposes them to more bacteria and will greatly diminish their shelf-life by making them more susceptible to spoilage. Elizabeth knew that and just assumed everyone else did, too.

So when the judge criticized Elizabeth’s eggs for not being washed bright and shiny clean (like the other two dozen other kids had entered) Elizabeth tried to explain her reasons for not doing so, but to no avail. She was awarded a 3^rd place ribbon. Elizabeth’s feelings were hurt and she didn’t understand why she’d basically been punished for doing the right thing.

I’ve thought about that day many times over the year—not because I want to dwell on what happened, but because I think there’s a valuable lesson to be learned from it all. And it’s a lesson I worked hard to pass onto my children. The lesson is this:

·         No child (or adult, for that matter) should ever be viewed as a 3^rd place ribbon.   

I’ve thought about how like Elizabeth’s eggs, people are looked down on for not having the ‘right’ brand of jeans, shoes or t-shirt. Or how about the kid who has a learning disability, a noticeable birthmark, a scar, a lisp or whose dad made the six o’clock news—and it wasn’t because he was man of the year? Who talks to ‘those’ kids? What place do they take among their peers?

Elizabeth’s eggs may not have been squeaky-clean and snowy-white, but she knew what she had and when all was said and done she didn’t need a blue ribbon to prove it. As a parent, you need to make sure your children are equally confident in who they are.

As parents it is imperative that we teach our children to be genuine, sincere and wear their integrity with pride. Equally important is the fact that we love and affirm them for who they are on the inside so that when they are judged by the label on their clothes, the brand of shoes they have or the backpack they carry (and they will be) they will see these judgments for what they are…the opinions of people who don’t know what they are talking about.

Love,

Momma D