I was ten years old when Helen, a middle-aged woman, came up to me after
church one Sunday and said, “If you want to know what you are going to look
like some day, just look at your grandmother because you’re the spitting image
of her.”
Now I really loved my Granny. I still do even though she’s no longer living. And Helen was right—I do look like her and am very much like her in several other ways, as well, and I’m proud and thankful for it. But when she said that, I looked over to where Granny was standing and thought, “Yikes! I don’t ever want to look like that!” (‘That’ being graying hair, a few age spots, and skin that had more lines and wrinkles than I ever thought I would care to have)
Now I really loved my Granny. I still do even though she’s no longer living. And Helen was right—I do look like her and am very much like her in several other ways, as well, and I’m proud and thankful for it. But when she said that, I looked over to where Granny was standing and thought, “Yikes! I don’t ever want to look like that!” (‘That’ being graying hair, a few age spots, and skin that had more lines and wrinkles than I ever thought I would care to have)
I’m also sure the look on my face told Helen I didn’t think her comment
was the least bit complimentary. But then again, I doubt it, because she didn’t
think she’d said anything wrong. And she hadn’t…not really. It wasn’t what she had said, but rather how she
had said it.
As parents we need to be careful that we don’t ‘pull a Helen’ by making
observations and comments that are meant to be beneficial or complimentary…but
aren’t. For example:
When your son comes out all dressed up to attend your niece’s wedding,
don’t say, “Wow, you look great! It’s too bad you don’t look that nice every
day.”
Or if you are fortunate enough to have a teenage daughter who isn’t
obsessed with wearing tons of makeup and trying to dress like whoever girls are
imitating at the time, don’t ‘compliment’ her by saying, “I’m so glad you aren’t
worried about how you look.”
Another example of this would be saying something like, “I didn’t expect
you to be able to do it, but at least you tried.”
Do you see how easily it would be for a child or teenager hearing those
words to interpret these comments negatively…even though that’s not your intention?
I sure hope so. That’s why it is so very important for you to choose your words
carefully and make sure they convey the message you want to send.
If Helen were to say those words to me today I would hug her and thank
her for paying me such a great compliment. But that’s because I’m no longer ten
and I now have the wisdom and capability to ‘read between the lines’ in order
to understand the real meaning of what is being said. Someday your kids will be
able to do the same, but between now and then it is up to you to speak to them
in such a way that they will even want to listen to you when they finally get
there.
Love,
Momma D
