Saint Snickers

Over the last few days I’ve been reminded of two valuable lessons—persistence and tolerance or ‘keeping your cool’. The lesson of persistence came from seventeen month-old Essie. The lesson of composure came from my ten year old mini doxie, Snickers—which equals seventy in dog years.

Essie , who heard “Esther Kathleen, leave that poor dog alone” more times than even I can count over the last few days, was fascinated with Snickers’ nose and whiskers. She’d rub them every chance she got. That, and kiss her over and over and over again. Esther’s persistence in her pursuit of making Snickers her friend was unwavering…and successful.

Snickers, whose fondness for children used to be described as ‘tolerant at best’ usually put herself out of reach of little hands, buried her face in a pillow, and adopted the attitude of if-I-ignore-them-they’ll-go-away. Not this time. Essie would pet Snickers’ nose and whiskers, Snickers would turn the opposite direction—putting her face out of reach. No problem for Essie—she’d just move to the other side.

I know some of you are thinking so what? My dog does that, too. But here’s the thing—there was a day not so long ago when Essie’s actions would have resulted in bared teeth, growling, and yes, even snapping at her. But thanks to Essie’s perseverance, as well as that of Mackenzie, Macy, Reuben, and Laney, Snickers has learned to be more tolerant and receptive of little hands and clumsy kisses on the top of her head. She even greets them with a wagging tail and a kiss of her own now days….well, most of the time.

As parents we can learn a lot from both the toddler and the dog.

Persistence: Don’t give in to your children’s whining, fits, and tantrums. Your persistent insistence (say that three times really fast) on good behavior will pay off. Giving in (even once in a while) leaves you with a whiny, spoiled, and disrespectful child and teenager with an over-inflated sense of entitlement. Be persistent in letting your child know they have your unconditional love. Be persistent in helping your child become the best possible ‘them’. Be their advocate, but not their rescuer. In other words, stand up for them when you should, but don’t shield them from the consequences of their actions.

Tolerance: Little hands, little minds, and little hearts are overflowing with the need and desire to help and learn by working side by side with you. So…slow down, don’t insist on perfection, and take every advantage of these moments while you have the chance to enjoy them. Don’t lose your cool when your kids ‘wash’ the car or ‘clean up’ the kitchen. Their eyes don’t see what you see and their hearts truly are in the right place. Be tolerant of less-than-perfect grade cards and spelling tests. No one is perfect. Not even you or your child. Besides, their best (not the best) is all you have the right to expect. Don’t lose your cool when your teenager acts out and talks back. Instead, be cool, calm, collected, and firm when letting them know this kind of behavior will not be tolerated.

So there you have it—two valuable lessons from two pint-sized teachers.

Love,

Momma D

                           Copyright 2015 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission of the author. 

                                                                                                  

That's My Dad

Last week I had the privilege of being present while my daughter pinned her husband’s new rank on his uniform in a ceremony on the military base where they are stationed. My job was to make sure 17 month old Essie didn’t steal the show.

The ceremony took place outside, so while we were waiting for it to begin we heard and saw several groups of soldiers and marines marching and shouting cadences as they did. Essie clapped and jabbered along—watching with interest and familiarity.

Familiarity? Yes. Dwight and Emma make a conscious effort to make Essie aware of who and what her Daddy is and to have a respect and pride for her special lifestyle. Respect and pride? Can a 17 month old little girl know these things? The ease with which she took everything in and the fact that this usually busy, talkative toddler knew to be quiet during the ceremony told me she most definitely can. She’s proud to be the daughter of a Marine and to be a ‘member’ of the US military.

The point I want to make is this: Your children need to know who you are (besides Mom or Dad). Your children need to know how you spend your days in order to make their life…their meals…their clothes…their comfort possible. Your children need to know how other people see you—the accomplishments you’ve achieved, and what you like to do (besides be a parent, of course).  Your children need to know that they aren’t the reason you come home a bit distracted or grumpy sometimes. But why? Good question. They need to know…

*So that your children will have a better understanding of why you say some of the things you say and do some of the things you do. They need to know you value home as much as they do.

*So that your children will have a greater appreciation and respect of your time, your work schedule, and the sacrifices you make for your family.

*So that your children can be proud of who you are (because they really want to be).

Don’t let your child’s only perception of who you are be the parent who comes home grumbling and complaining after a rough day or the parent who brags about getting freebies that ‘they’ll never miss’ and that ‘they owe you’. And most of all don’t be the parent whose children feel second place (at best) or in the way because you eat, sleep, and breathe your job. Be the parent whose children know what you do for a living, take pride in the whole person you are, and who respect you for ALL of who you are and what you do.

Love,

Momma D

                              Copyright 2015 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission of the author. 

                                                                                          

Don't Tell Them You're My Mom

The first summer Olivia was old enough to go to church camp for more than an overnight stay was also one of the weeks I was to be the camp mom in the girl’s dorm. Olivia was used to me being her youth leader at church, but for some reason she wasn’t thrilled at the prospect of not being the only member of our family at camp that week. She said she didn’t even want the people to know I was her mom (although most of them already did). I told her that would be fine—that I wouldn’t talk to her unless I had to. And I really was fine with that. I understood her need for independence and I certainly didn’t want to embarrass her or make her feel like a baby. After all, she was eight years old!

By the end of the first full day of camp she was coming to me just like she normally would. She even called out “Mom!” from across the blacktop play area to get my attention. The secret was out! Apparently Olivia had decided I wouldn’t embarrass her so it was safe to let everyone who didn’t already know, know who I was.

I hadn’t thought about that week in years, but the other day I was reading through the book of Proverbs and found Proverbs 17:6 Children’s children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children.

We spend plenty of time teaching, hoping, and warning our children about how and why not to embarrass US in public, but this verse clearly states that we, as parents, are to be a source of pride to our children. In other words, we need to be just as careful to not embarrass our kids. This means no dressing like we’re sixteen, no telling embarrassing stories about our kids (especially in front of them), no wiping food off their faces with spit (or anything else, for that matter), no showing baby pictures to their prom date, and no disciplining them openly in front of their friends.

I’m not perfect so I know there’s a chance I embarrassed my kids a time or two, so Zach, Elizabeth, Olivia, and Emma, I’m sorry if I did. It was never intentional.

As for Olivia and I being able to ‘do’ camp together… we spent fifteen more years going to camp together each summer—making many of our most memorable and precious mother/daughter memories there—memories we will never forget.

So you see it is possible to enjoy spending time with your kids without embarrassing them.

Love,

Momma D

                               Copyright 2015 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                                                                

Your Terms...Your Turf

Elizabeth was in third or fourth grade when she asked if she could invite a new friend to come over after school to play. “Sure,” I said. “No problem.” So on the day that was chosen I picked the girls up from school and headed home thinking things be like any other play date. 

It didn’t take long, however, for me to pick up some negative vibes about this little girl. She was rude to Olivia when Olivia walked into the bedroom Elizabeth and her friend were playing in—the bedroom Olivia shared with Elizabeth. When she didn’t stop, I poked my head in and reminded everyone to be nice.

My reminder went in one ear and out the other, though, and pretty soon Elizabeth’s new friend was at it again. I called to Olivia and told her to give the girls some space, but before she had time to leave the room, both Elizabeth and her new friend were being rude and unkind to Olivia. I issued another warning and reminded Elizabeth that this was not the way she was to treat her sister. Both my warning and comment was met with the infamous eye roll from the little girl who was a guest in our home, and an argument from Elizabeth.

That was it. I simply announced that the play date was over and that it was time for me to take our guest home. The girls knew how to tell time. They knew it really wasn’t time, but Elizabeth was also smart enough to not argue, so they gathered her friend’s things, we got into the car, took her home, and she was not invited back. And just in case you are wondering, Elizabeth was not allowed to go to her house to play, either. In fact, the friendship didn't last very long after that day.

Your child’s friendships are one of the most difficult aspects of parenting to do well or right. And just so you’ll know upfront, you are probably going to mess it up a time or two, but you still have to be proactive and vigilant. How? Glad you asked.

First, teach your children to be nice to everyone. Being nice means being polite, not speaking unkindly, or being a bully. Even the most disruptive and naughty children deserve to be treated with kindness.But being nice to everyone doesn't mean your child should be friends with everyone. 

Secondly, know your child’s friends. You can do this by following my ‘rule’ of your terms…your turf. In other words, get to know your child’s friends by having them in your home or supervising/chaperoning events in other places. This allows you to see who your children are playing with, how disciplined these children are, and how well their family’s core values line up with yours. The your terms…your turf rule also gives your child the opportunity to have friends from both similar and different backgrounds without worrying whether or not they will be negatively influenced; like in the case of Elizabeth’s playdate-gone-bad. 

Once you know a child, then you can be more comfortable with letting your children spend time in the care and supervision of other parents.Teaching children to follow this rule can also help when they get to be teens by providing them with a way to handle peer pressure in a positive manner.

Let’s face it, though. There are some kids you don’t want your children hanging out (and for justifiable reasons). Just remember that the way a child dresses, where he/she lives, what his/her folks do for a living, and the color of someone’s skin aren’t ‘justifiable reasons’.  Dishonesty, rudeness, defiance, and treating others unkindly…those are justifiable reasons for steering your children away from a relationship.

Love,

Momma D

                             Copyright 2015 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                                                                        

Grandpa Is In The Building...NOT!

The other day my son in-law, Matthew, bought an electric razor similar to the one my husband uses. Matthew was standing in the bathroom the next morning trying it out when 2 ½ year-old Reuben woke up.

When Reuben heard the buzzzzzz of the razor, he hopped out of bed and went running into the bathroom calling “Grandpa!” “Grandpa!”

Rueben adores his daddy, but I’m told he was very disappointed to find Daddy standing in front of the mirror instead of Grandpa. After all, to our sweet little grandson, the sound of the electric razor was a ‘Grandpa is in the building’ kind of sound, and to Reuben, having Grandpa around is like syrup on pancakes, butter on popcorn, snow on Christmas morning….

For me, the taste of roast beef and fresh bread reminds me of the love Granny poured into every meal she cooked.

The smell of lavender reminds me of the love between Zach and his great-grandma Ruth.

The sounds of farm animals take me back to the life I loved so much during the years we were raising our family.

Using a beat-up old aluminum dishpan that once belonged to Granny gives me comfort and reminds me to love my husband and children the same way she loved me—unconditionally.

So what parenting wisdom am I trying to impart by sharing these memories with you? I actually want you to take two things from what I've shared...

1. The atmosphere or surroundings you raise your children in matters…a lot.

2. Your children are making memories and forming associations between you and the sights, sounds, tastes, smells, they experience with you. 

This leaves me to ask only one question:

What sounds, smells, sights, and tastes are your children associating with you and are they the memories and associations you want to impress on their hearts and minds?

Love,

Momma D

                                Copyright 2015 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                                                                                

What Have You Learned From Your Children?

Elizabeth is both my first and my second. She is my first daughter, but my second child. She is also a child who has shown me that:

* Sleep is not nice, but not essential. Hey, I’m still here aren’t I?

* A mother’s heart only feels like it will burst with joy at the sound of your child’s tiny voice singing about Jesus at the top of her lungs.

* You can never have too much of your favorite color—in her case it was purple.

* There is no limit to the number of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches a child should be allowed to eat.

* Tiny little girls can dream big dreams AND make them come true.

* What you say and how you say it are equally important.

* The t-shirt that says, “I’m a nurse…what’s your superpower?” was made with her in mind.

And finally, she, along with her sisters has shown me that raising your daughters to be Godly women, wives, and moms is the best kind of mother/daughter relationship there is.

The question to you, now, is this: what lessons are you learning from your children?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ELIZABETH!

Love,

Momma D

                            Copyright 2015 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                                                                   

Un-parenting is NOT Parenting

I’m not going to go into any details, but it’s safe to say that all four of my amazing and wonderful children went through stages of thinking they were wiser and more capable of making choices and decisions than they actually were. Once upon a time I did the same thing. But hey, that’s the nature of a teenager, isn’t it? Of course it is! That’s why the article I read yesterday was so troubling to me…and I hope to you, as well.

The article was about ‘unschooling’ your children—a supposedly up-and-coming method of education. So what is unschooling? Unschooling is letting your children discover the world on their own terms by following their instincts and doing what they feel passionate about. Oh, and if they happen to learn how to spell, construct a proper sentence, and know the significance of December  7, 1941 and October 29, 1929, well then, that’s just the icing on the cake!

Please, oh, please, tell me you see how ridiculous…how wrong this is! If I had taken that approach to my children’s education, two of them wouldn’t know how to read a price tag because for a few years they were convinced math was from the devil, another one of my kids would most likely have stopped reading once they got past the Dr. Seuss stage, two or possibly three of them would have spent most of their waking hours in the barn or playing outside, and I’m almost certain none of them would have bothered learning about the table of elements or how and why your heart beats and your food digests.

In case there’s any doubt about how I feel about unschooling, let me just say this: unschooling is poor parenting. You may as well call it “unparenting”. Unschooling cheats your child out of learning things they are incapable of accessing on their own. Unschooling puts your child in danger because they don’t always have the ability to make sound, rational decisions. Unschooling removes boundaries from children; boundaries they will test, but boundaries they want and need to feel secure and loved. But most of all, unschooling sends the message that you don’t feel your children are worth the effort it takes to invest yourself in them and to give them every opportunity to learn all they can about a variety of different things. 

Instead of turning your children out to fend for themselves, provide structured education, clearly defined boundaries and expectations, and give them the opportunity to discover and use what they are passionate about and explore the world on their terms by giving them play time. Did I just say playtime? Yes, I did. I said it because raising happy, healthy, well-adjusted children is all about that balance…all about that balance….

Love,

Momma D

                              Copyright 2015 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                                                                              

Do You Have A Salamander? Well, You Should!

Among the MANY pets our kids had over the years, one of my favorites was Sally the Salamander and the salamanders that came after her. Why? Oh, let me count the ways…

Sally and friends were low-maintenance and easy to care for. Sally and friends were friendly and non-aggressive. Sally and friends were hardy and didn’t go to ‘pet heaven’ at the drop of a hat.

Sally and friends were cute. Yes, cute. Something shiny black with bright yellow spots is cute no matter how you look at it.

But most of all, Sally and friends served as excellent reminders of what home and family are really all about. How? Glad you asked….

Salamanders live and thrive only where the eco-system is perfectly balanced. This served to remind me that my children needed a balance of fun, laughter, freedom, rules, discipline, and times to be serious.

No two salamanders have the exact same spot pattern; reminding me that all four of my kids are different and need to be respected, loved, and appreciated for those differences. This fact also served to help me instill in my children that they are beautiful and uniquely created by God…and God don’t make no junk.

Salamanders have the ability to grow new tails and even limbs. What a relief this has been to me at times when I’ve been a less-than-stellar parent when it comes to disciplining my kids or letting them know how precious they are to me. It reminds me that in spite of my imperfections, as long as my kids know my love for them is unconditional and unwavering, they are resilient and recover from my screw-ups.

Salamanders aren’t aggressive and they don’t bully other animals, but they do have the subtle ability to protect themselves from predators by emitting a slimy coating over their bodies that is obnoxious to animals that try to attack them. While I never wanted or encouraged my kids to pick a fight or be a bully or mean girl, we gave them the skills and permission to stand up for themselves and to protect themselves from the emotional and physical assaults that came their way.

Salamanders lead a simple, quiet life. They live in humble settings and eat only what they need. Oh, and they return to the same pond to breed and lay/hatch their eggs year after year after year. I hope and pray I gave my children hearts that desire to live simply and without a sense of entitlement or hunger for money and things, and to be committed to family like Sally and friends did.

Who would have thought the lowly, silent salamander had so much to say? 

I guess that leaves me with just one question for you:

Do you have a salamander? If not, you should.

Love,

Momma D

                            Copyright 2015 Darla Noble.  No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                           

So Who Decides What Different Is, Anyway?

A few weeks ago I took Mackenzie and Macy to the children’s pool to spend some time splashing around, swimming, and forgetting the 100 degree days we were having. We arrived at the pool just as they were opening, along with another nanna and her four year-old granddaughter who had Downs.

It took all of about two minutes for Mack and Macy to start playing with “Mandy”. They played with pool toys and splashed around in the water like they’d been friends their entire lives. And not once did my girls look at "Mandy" like she was different. Not once did they ask why she didn’t talk very much or why she wore a swim diaper—not while we were at the pool or even later. To be honest, I don’t think they even noticed these things, but if they did, none of it mattered to them. What mattered was that they’d made a new friend.

“Mandy’s” nanna complimented me on how accepting the girls were and thanked me for ‘letting’ them play with her.  And when “Mandy” and her nanna left before we did, “Mandy” ran over to the girls, telling her nanna she needed to “Say bye to friends”.

I was so proud of the girls for being so friendly and engaging and thankful for their innocence. I was equally proud of Zach and Becca for being parents who are raising their girls to see past someone’s outward appearance to who they really are and I encourage every parent to do the same.

Don’t encourage your children toward friendships with the kids who dress the nicest, wear the most expensive shoes, live in the biggest houses, or have the parents with the highest paying jobs in an attempt to make sure your child is one of the popular kids or to make them look good. 

Don’t encourage your children toward friendships with the most athletic kids hoping it will ‘rub off’ on your child and turn into future scholarships or with any other group of kids because it will make your child look good.

Don’t discourage your children from forming friendships with children who aren’t as clean or well-kept, economically privileged, or physically or mentally capable as your child is because you don't think 'those kids' are good enough for your child. 

Instead, teach your children to be kind to everyone and choose their friends based on who the person is on the inside—kind, compassionate, honest, trustworthy, and fun to be with. Teach your children to look past the different. Or better yet, teach them to not see those things at all, but instead, to look at the heart of a person. 

Besides, who decides what different is, anyway?

Love,

Momma D

                              Copyright 2015 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                                                                               

                                                                               

The Day X Really Did Mark The Spot

When Emma was four, her favorite book was “Look Out For Pirates”. It’s a story about a group of sailors who outwit some pirates; keeping them away from their treasure. And like all good pirate/buried treasure stories, X marks the spot. And let me tell you, Emma spent a bit of time hunting around the fields on our farm for an X.

It just so happens that on the far end of the lake where we spend a good deal of time, there is a small island. The outer edges are sand and gravel—perfect for a picnic, sunbathing, and resting after swimming. The inner part of the island, however, is filled with trees and underbrush. So…John and I decided to take the kids up there one day to swim and have lunch…and to finally give Emma the opportunity to find buried treasure.

Once we’d tied the boat off and were on the shore, John sneaked off to bury a little bag containing candy, gum, some money, and a few other little things. It wasn’t buried very deep, and on top of it he placed a great big X made from sticks.

He was back in no time and suggested that we cut through the trees to go to the other side of the island. The kids were all game for that, so off we went with John leading the way; making sure Emma was closest to him. As we came to the place where X marked the buried treasure, John stopped; pretending he needed to blow his nose or something like that. It didn’t take but a second for Emma to spy the X and in no time, she had unearthed the buried treasure. She was overjoyed, to say the least, and thankfully her siblings, who quickly caught on, didn’t blow our cover. In fact, they went right along with us; making the ‘event’ even more special.

Now I know there may be some pragmatics out there thinking it was wrong to ‘lie’ to Emma.  But I don’t agree. What we did for Emma that day was to allow her to take an adventure she wanted to take. But we also did something else—something even more important. We showed Emma that even the seemingly impossible is possible—if you keep trying and don’t give up.

It was a few years before Emma realized how the treasure came to be there that day, but that didn’t matter to her. What mattered was that 1) it had been there, and 2) we valued her feelings enough to give her the experience.

The reminder I want to leave with you is this: don’t squelch your child’s imagination and dreams. If you can help make your young child’s dreams come true and allow them to live out some of their imagination (to an extent), you will find that as they grow older, your child won’t be afraid to be their own individual rather than merely going with the flow. They will be more creative and confident.

So ask yourself: how can you help your child find their buried treasure?

Love,

Momma D

                             Copyright 2015 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                                                                      

                                               Emma and her sweet one year-old, Essie