Love is About More than Mashed Potatoes

Late last night my son Zach tagged me in a comment he made on Facebook. It was his answer to a picture with a caption asking people to name the food(s) they thought their grandma cooked better than anyone else. Here is his comment: Granny Great’s rolls and wilted lettuce. Best in the world. Am I right, Darla Noble?

Zach was referencing my Granny (his great-grandmother). Granny was known for many things—including the fact that she was an amazing cook. It wasn’t just the fact that she was a great cook, but it was why she was a great cook. You could literally taste the love and care that went into everything she cooked even though she did it all so effortlessly. It was just part of what made her…Granny. While I was replying to Zach’s comment I was giggling because for some reason just a day or two prior to this I had randomly recalled another memory about Zach, Granny, and her cooking…

As soon as we got to church every Sunday the kids ran straight to Granny. On this particular Sunday Granny said she’d cooked a pot of chicken and dumplings for lunch and asked if we wanted to come eat with her. Of course we said yes. Now in our family, if you have chicken and dumplings you have mashed potatoes to go with them. But when Granny went to peel the potatoes she discovered the potatoes were bad—all except two. What to do? She had a small box of instant potatoes she used for thickening soup, so she just added some of them to the two potatoes to make enough for everyone. No big deal, right? WRONG!

Zach, who was ten or eleven years old at the time, happened to pass through the kitchen just in time to see Granny mixing the instant potatoes into the real ones. He couldn’t believe his eyes! His Granny Great, the absolute best cook in the whole world…the Granny who loved us more than anything was feeding him “fake potatoes”! What was the world coming to? His reaction was a mixture of shock, disbelief, and yes, even disappointment. It actually took Granny a few minutes to explain what she was doing and why and to assure him that she was still the same Granny he knew and loved. Zach knew that Granny’s cooking skills was only one of the ways Granny expressed her love for us, but it was also one of her best ways. So when she ‘cheated’ he took it personally.

I’m happy to report that by the end of the day we were all laughing about it, and that night at Bible study she and Zach even shared the story with our friends at church. I’m also happy to report that Zach and Granny laughed and smiled about a lot of other things for several years to come—including him making her a great-great grandma twice before she passed away.

So what do instant mashed potatoes and cooking skills have to do with parenting?

We all have one or two things we do that stand out to our children and grandchildren—things we do (or say) that they view as expressions of our love for them. And we have a responsibility to make sure we don’t disappoint our loved ones by giving them cause to think our actions are anything less than genuine and sincere.

If you asked your children what they associate your love with, what would they say?

Love,

Momma D

                        Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                               

Compliments Aren't Meant To Be Hidden

I was ten years old when Helen, a middle-aged woman, came up to me after church one Sunday and said, “If you want to know what you are going to look like some day, just look at your grandmother because you’re the spitting image of her.”
Now I really loved my Granny. I still do even though she’s no longer living. And Helen was right—I do look like her and am very much like her in several other ways, as well, and I’m proud and thankful for it. But when she said that, I looked over to where Granny was standing and thought, “Yikes! I don’t ever want to look like that!” (‘That’ being graying hair, a few age spots, and skin that had more lines and wrinkles than I ever thought I would care to have) 

I’m also sure the look on my face told Helen I didn’t think her comment was the least bit complimentary. But then again, I doubt it, because she didn’t think she’d said anything wrong. And she hadn’t…not really. It wasn’t what she had said, but rather how she had said it. 

As parents we need to be careful that we don’t ‘pull a Helen’ by making observations and comments that are meant to be beneficial or complimentary…but aren’t. For example:

When your son comes out all dressed up to attend your niece’s wedding, don’t say, “Wow, you look great! It’s too bad you don’t look that nice every day.” 

Or if you are fortunate enough to have a teenage daughter who isn’t obsessed with wearing tons of makeup and trying to dress like whoever girls are imitating at the time, don’t ‘compliment’ her by saying, “I’m so glad you aren’t worried about how you look.” 

Another example of this would be saying something like, “I didn’t expect you to be able to do it, but at least you tried.” 

Do you see how easily it would be for a child or teenager hearing those words to interpret these comments negatively…even though that’s not your intention? I sure hope so. That’s why it is so very important for you to choose your words carefully and make sure they convey the message you want to send. 

If Helen were to say those words to me today I would hug her and thank her for paying me such a great compliment. But that’s because I’m no longer ten and I now have the wisdom and capability to ‘read between the lines’ in order to understand the real meaning of what is being said. Someday your kids will be able to do the same, but between now and then it is up to you to speak to them in such a way that they will even want to listen to you when they finally get there.

Love,

Momma D

                           Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.
                                                                              

Putting All Your Eggs In The Right Basket

Lately I’ve been noticing that too many parents are concerned about the wrong things when it comes to influencing and managing their children’s lives. For example…

I was recently welcoming a seven year-old to an overnight summer camp and was told by his parents that he wasn’t allowed to have cinnamon rolls for breakfast the next morning like the rest of the kids because he had to drink a GALLON of protein drink in order to be able to make weigh-ins for a wrestling match a few hours after that. 

Now it’s all well and good for your kids to be involved in activities like this, but the message that winning at all costs is more important than having fun with your friends and being a normal kid who scarfs down an ooey-gooey cinnamon roll once in a while, isn’t the message we should be sending.
As parents we need to care more about who our kids are than what our kids are. Instead of micro-managing and obsessing over whether or not they win first place in the science fair or are one of the popular kids, we need to take a more active approach to helping shape their character. Instead of doing whatever it takes to make sure they make the cheerleading squad or first chair in band, we need to make sure they know being THE best isn't always important or possible and that they have the integrity to not bully their peers.
Parents, your job isn’t to raise great kids. Your job is to raise your kids to be great adults. And in case you are wondering, great adults aren’t defined by science fair projects and high school football scores. Great adults are those that are honest, compassionate, hard-working, wise with their finances, respectful of authority and the feelings of others, and confident of their abilities and self-worth.
Influencing and managing your children’s character is going to require you to be intentional and relational with your children. Most of all, it requires you to model these behaviors because even when your children don’t appear to be listening, or really aren’t listening, you can bet they are watching every move you make.
So…when deciding what matters and what doesn’t when it comes to where you focus your parenting energy, remember this: If the ‘thing’ you are stressing over isn’t going to directly affect their twenty-one year-old self or who they are from the inside out, you’re probably putting your eggs in the wrong basket.

Love,

Momma D
                          Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                            

No Catchy Title This Week--Just Plain and Simple Truth

            While attending the funeral of an old friend a few weeks before Christmas last year, I heard the following conversation…

            “My daughter loves “Miss C” so much. She can’t wait to go to Sunday school every week knowing “Miss C” was going to be her teacher. I really didn’t know what to tell her. How do you explain death to a four year-old?”

            When asked what she did tell her little girl, the mother then replied, “I told her “Miss C” went to live at the North Pole to be one of Santa’s helpers because she loves kids so much she wanted to make sure they always have a nice Christmas.”

            Are you kidding me! If the irony of this conversation weren’t so sad, it would be hilarious. I mean think about it: This mother didn’t think telling her daughter that her Sunday school teacher was with Jesus was as comforting as saying she was with Santa Claus!

And that’s not even considering the facts that a) in the not-so-distant-future her daughter is going to find out that her momma told a big fat whopper lie because she’ll discover that Santa isn’t r-e-a-l and b) learning the truth is only going to lead to more questions that should have and could have been answered truthfully in the first place.

Listen up, parents! Your children deserve simple, honest, and age-appropriate answers to their questions—especially since these days there are lots of things to ask questions about.

For example:

When your child asks, “Is Sparky in heaven now?” when a beloved pet dies, you should simply say, “I don’t know for sure, but the Bible does talk about lions and sheep getting along in heaven, so if God thinks lions are nice enough to go to heaven, I bet he thinks Sparky is, too.”

When your child asks, “Is everyone who lives there bad?” when catching a glimpse of or hearing about the war raging in the Middle East, your reply should be, “No, not everyone who lives there is bad. That’s why our soldiers are there—to help the nice people and try to keep them safe.”

When your child questions why someone is mean to them, it’s time to inform them that not everyone will realize what a great kid they are and the best thing to do when that happens is to turn around and go play with someone who is nice. You can also tell them that sometimes people say and do things that aren’t very nice when they are sad, mad, or don’t feel well, so they need to give that person another chance.

When your child asks you if you will still be a family after the divorce, you need to be honest in telling them that your family is not going to be the same as it was, but that the love you and your soon-to-be-ex have for them (your child) is never going to change.

When your child asks if he/she will ever see their friends again after you move three states away, don’t say, “Oh, sure, we’ll come back and visit whenever we can.” You and I both know the chances of that are next to nothing, so simply tell them that they probably won’t see them very much but that they can stay in touch online or through cards and letters and reassure them that they will make new friends to play with/hang out with your new home.

Honesty, parents. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. If you aren’t honest with them, you really don’t have a right to expect them to be honest with you.

Love,

Momma D

                             Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                               

           

Sorry, Kool-Aid Cup...You Had Your Chance

A few years ago,  I was helping then-two year-old Esther, aka “Essie”, drink her bright red cherry Kool-Aid from a big girl cup. She was doing a great job of it, too. But you know how the ice in the cup falls forward when you get close to running out of whatever is in the cup? Well that’s what happened to Essie. And you know what happens when the ice falls forward, don’t you?

Yep, whatever is in the cup comes splashing out on you.

How dare that Kool-Aid! Or in Essie’s mind, how dare that cup!

When that happens to you or me we wipe our face and go on. No big deal. But to two year-old Essie, I can assure you it was a big deal…a really big deal. But not in the way you might think. Essie was a mixture of scared and mad. Not at the ice or the Kool-Aid, though…at the cup. In fact, when I went to give her another drink a minute or so later, she refused to drink out of that cup.

“No!” she said, and then pointed at my cup and said, “Drink.”

I tried again, but she was insisted the drink come from my cup. My cup was empty, so I dumped what was in her cup into mine (minus the ice) and sure enough, she drank to her heart’s content.

“You had your chance, Kool-Aid cup,” was Essie’s thought process. “You may have gotten me once, but you won’t ever do it again.”

Essie didn’t understand that the cup wasn’t the culprit and nothing I was going to say or do would be able to change her mind. Since it wasn’t a big deal I didn’t really even try, but that’s not always going to be the case in raising your children and as parents you need to be ready, willing, and able to guide them toward understanding and accepting that getting mad and getting even isn’t the way to handle situations that don’t go their way.

As parents you need to be teaching by example and instruction that when things don’t turn out the way we want them to, getting mad isn’t the solution, or when their friends hurt their feelings, shunning them won’t solve the problem. They need to know that losing a game or not getting the grade the grade they think they deserve isn’t someone else’s fault, but the result of their not playing as well as the other team or studying hard enough to get an A.

Your children are watching your every move and hanging on your every word. Even when you think they aren’t, they are. Trust me on this one. So ask yourself: Are you giving the Kool-Aid cups in your life a fair shake or are you blaming them for something they didn’t even do? Because your kids are taking their cue from you.

Love,

Momma D

                      Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                         

Some Things Just Aren't Band-aid-Worthy

I spend part of every summer at church camp teaching Bible classes, being the camp 'mom', fixing boo-boos, giving kids their medicine, checking to make sure sunscreen has been amply applied, and a host of other ‘mom-type’ things they need done for them when they’re away from home.

One thing I’ve noticed over the years in the group of 8-10 year old's is that they have very different perceptions of what is and isn’t a big deal. For example, one night while playing hide-n-seek three or four of the kids fell and scraped their shins or knees.

A couple of them were pretty ‘good’ scrapes that required a good washing with soap and water followed by ointment and a bandage or two. Both of these kids were far more concerned about getting back out there to play than they were the blood oozing from their knees.

Another child, however, came to me sobbing and moaning as if they’d just been critically injured. In fact, I heard her before I saw her and thought, “Oh, my gosh, this is gonna be bad!” It wasn’t. She’d barely scratched the surface of the skin. It wasn’t even bandaid-worthy. I wiped her knee, dried her tears, gave her a hug, promised her she was going to live, and then sent her back out to finish the game.

As she left (limping as though her leg was about to fall off) I thought about how more often than not, we as parents need to tech our kids to ‘shake it off’ and go on instead of treating every disappointment, every boo-boo, and every rejection like it is the end of the world.

I’m not saying we need to raise up a generation of emotionless, hard-hearted young people. And I’m not saying we shouldn’t be sensitive to our children’s physical and emotional pain. Not at all! But what I am saying is this: children need to have a solid understanding of what is and isn’t worth getting upset over. So what if they don’t make varsity! So what if they don’t get all A’s! So what if they don’t get to go to someone’s party! So what if you tell them no and they don’t like it!

Your kids need to learn that there are a lot of things in life that simply aren’t worth getting upset over and they need to learn that from you! They need to see you as someone who is calm, sensible, able to deal well with stress and who doesn’t panic or over-react. They need to see you model these behaviors so they can be this person, too.

Love,

Momma D

                            copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                    

Up And Over The Wall You Go

I would like to apologize for being late writing this week’s blog. So let me take a minute to explain why and share something that happened this week with you—something I hope you’ll take to heart as you parent your children.

            If you know me, you know I spend a few weeks every summer with middle school and junior high kids at church camp. No, I’m not crazy. I love them!

Anyway…each evening after chapel service we have what is called social hour. Social hour is a time when the kids participate in an organized activity that is fun, somewhat competitive, and all about building relationships and comradery. Some of the activities for social hour are somewhat traditional; meaning we do them every year. Last year, however, we tried something new—an obstacle course.

The course consisted of several ‘traditional’ obstacle course activities—including a ten to twelve foot wall the kids had to go up and over using the rope and three furring strips for toe-holds.

When several of the kids (boys and girls) saw the wall, the first words out of their mouths were “I can’t do that!”

“Yes you can,” I’d say. “You can do this. Emily is going to help you get started, Drake and Austin will be there when you get to the top, and I’ll be here when you come down on the other side.”

“I can’t,” some of them would repeat…as they grabbed hold and started to make their way up.

When they came over the wall and landed next to me, the look on their faces was priceless! Ecstatic…confident…pumped…amazed…and proud are just a few of the words I would use to describe their attitudes. Not one camper failed to make it over that wall!

             In less than two minute’s time these kids went from being scared and anxious to being NOT scared and NOT anxious. Why? Because they were able to conquer their fear and experience the joy of knowing we believed in them.

As parents your children need to know that you believe in them—that you are there for them to cheer them on and help them conquer their fears, and to show AND tell them that they can do anything they set their mind to.

Your kids are going to have a lot of walls to go over in this life—walls they are going to come to with an attitude of “I can’t”. Will you be there to tell them they can and will you be there when they come down the other side to say “Great job! I knew you could do it!”?

Love,

Momma D

                        Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.
                                                                                                                  

   

You Get What You Get And Don't Throw A Fit

A few years ago while my daughter was mowing the lawn, she stopped to cool off and asked (then) three year-old Laney to bring her a bottle of cold water or Gatorade® out of the refrigerator so she wouldn’t have to track grass clippings through the house.

Laney was happy to oblige…on one condition: As she went inside to get her momma a drink, she said, “You get what you get and no throwin’ a fit.”

Hhhmmmm….wonder where she heard that?

After Elizabeth quit laughing she assured Laney that no fit would be thrown and that whatever she brought her to drink would be fine and appreciated.

Parents, you need to make a point of showing and telling your children what Laney told Elizabeth: You get what you get and no throwin’ a fit.

*When your child cries foul over not getting first chair in band because the teacher likes someone better, don’t coddle and agree with them. They are still in the band and playing music.

*When your child isn’t voted Stuco President, don’t let them wallow in their self-pity saying the only reason the winner was chosen was because they’re rich or their dad is on the school board, or….

*When your child is pouting because they didn’t get as much time on the field as they wanted, don’t side with them and speak negatively or disrespectfully about the coach.

*When your child is upset over not getting in the same class or on the same team as their best friend, don’t let them whine and complain about it. They can still be friends…and make new ones, too.

In other words, you need to teach your children to be content with their circumstances and to make the best of them instead of whining, throwing a fit, and complaining that things are good enough or unfair.

You need to teach your child that being first, winning, being popular, and making straight A’s isn’t a requirement for being awesome and amazing. They also need to know that when they aren’t first, when they don’t win, or when things don’t go their way, jealousy, throwing a fit, and pouting aren’t acceptable behaviors.

Life isn’t fair and things aren’t always going to go their way, but when it isn’t and they don’t, whining, complaining, and throwing a fit doesn’t help. As parents, you need to instill in your children the basic truth that says: YOUR BEST ISN’T ALWAYS GOING TO BE THE BEST, BUT IF YOU DO YOUR BEST, IT’S ALL GOOD.

Love,

Momma D

                             Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                                                   

A Hamburger Named Albert

Growing up on a farm meant the kids had a realistic view of life and death. They also grew up knowing and appreciating what it takes for food to ‘magically’ appear on the shelves at the grocery store. Zach and Elizabeth basically had a matter-of-fact attitude about it all, but when it came time for our tender-hearted and wee-bit dramatic Olivia to be old enough to understand that some of the animals on our farm ended up in our freezer and on the table, we weren’t sure just how understanding she would be.

Thankfully she was very mature and very Olivia about the whole thing…

Three year-old Olivia raised Albert the little bull calf on a bottle. She’d even shown him in the fair a few weeks after he was born. But when Albert was a little over a year old, it was time for him to fulfill his purpose in being on the farm. It was time to butcher Albert.

Since Albert had grown far too big for Olivia to care for, she really didn’t seem to be bothered with the fact that he was no longer there. But the first night I fixed hamburgers for dinner (courtesy of Albert), we had a split-second of panic that bothered might not even begin to cover it.

Olivia knew that John had picked up our meat earlier that day so when she took a bite of her hamburger, before she started chewing, she asked, “Is this Albert?”

John and I exchanged glances and then calmly, but unapologetically, John said, “Yes, Olivia, it is.”

Olivia very thoughtfully and deliberately chewed and swallowed what was in her mouth, smiled really big, and said, “Well, he tastes pretty good, don’t he!”

NOTE: Collective sigh could be heard around the table.

At the ripe old age of four Olivia understood that everyone and everything has a purpose and that we should do our best to do just that.

As parents we have a responsibility to love and nurture our children in such a way that they can fulfill their purpose in life—the purpose of growing into loving, capable, and honorable adults.

Oh, there will be many stops along the way; experiencing childhood, puberty, first-love, a disease called I-know-it-all-you-know-nothing, and waking up to find themselves in the real world. But by keeping them focused and pointed in the right direction, they’ll make it. And when they do, you’ll thoughtfully and deliberately watch them and say to yourself or anyone who happens to be around…

“He (or she) does real good, don’t he?”

Love,

Momma D

                               Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be copied or used without permission from the author.
                                     
                                                                                                                                   

I Told You I Saw A Giant Snake!!!

If you read last week’s post you know I said that this week I’d be doing the ‘sequel’ to the birdhouse story. I changed my mind. Instead, I’ve decided to share a memory of me, my grandpa, my great-grandpa, and a really big snake.

Sunday afternoons were spent at my great-grandparents’ house. Coming from a large family, it wasn’t unusual for there to be anywhere from six to thirty-six relatives there. On this particular day, the crowd was slim and I was the youngest one there—three or four years old. My grandpa, great-grandpa, and two or three of my great-uncles were sitting on the front porch visiting and the women were in the living room of the house doing the same.

Bored by all the ‘grownup talk’, I hopped off my grandpa’s lap and went to play in the back yard. But on my way I encountered a really big black snake. I knew enough to turn around and run back to the house—in the back door and straight to Granny. When I told her there was a giant snake outside she didn’t believe me. I told her again. She still didn’t believe me. It was highly unusual for Granny to not believe me. I think the fact that I was liberally using the word ‘giant’ may have had something to do with her skepticism.

Realizing I wasn’t getting anywhere, I went outside and told my grandpa. He questioned my use of the word giant, too, but asked me where it was. Finally! Gee, it wasn’t like I was the little boy who cried wolf. Why was this so hard? Taking his hand, I told him I would show him. Then turning to my great-grandpa I asked him if he wanted to see the giant snake, too. He grinned, nodded his head, and stood up to follow me.

We didn’t have to go far, though, because the snake had decided to pay his respects and was now making his way onto the porch! Hopping up and down I started squealing, “I told you! I told you there was a giant snake

The next thing I knew my great-grandpa was ‘taking care’ of the snake with the garden hoe propped up against the house on the porch and all the commotion brought Granny and the others outside—where they saw the giant snake.

Once the commotion died down you can be sure a few apologies came my way for not believing me. But hey, it wasn't like I was in the habit of telling big ole whopper-lies, so it was the least they could do, right?

Have you ever ignored or not believed your child when they were trying to tell you something? I sure hope not, because I can tell you first-hand that being ignored or given the ‘brush off’ when you have something important to share is agonizing. It could also be dangerous. That black snake could have been a copperhead and your child’s story about the mean boy or girl, the creepy or unfair coach/teacher, the scary neighbor, or the cries that no one likes them should be heard, listened to, and acted upon.

Remember…always believe in your child unless they give you obvious and undeniable reasons not to. Believing what your child tells you should always be your initial response. If you don’t, they’ll quit talking. And I don’t think I have to tell you how dangerous (and sad) that would be.

Love,
Momma D

P.S. Just for the record, it really was a giant snake.
                          Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.