Pass the Potatoes...and the Memories, Please

You can’t turn on the television, surf the web, pick up a newspaper, or even have a conversation these days without hearing or reading someone’s thoughts on why the world, aka, society, is in the shape it is in. And with this being an election year, we’re also hearing whose fault it is.

I’m going to go out on a limb, however, and say that politics, per se, has little or nothing to do with most of the issues we’re dealing with. Instead, I’m going to suggest that most of society’s problems can be traced back to the breakdown of the family.

Now you know Momma D is all about family, so it shouldn’t come as any surprise that I want to talk about what it takes to keep your family from suffering from a breakdown. But instead of just telling you what I think, I asked four people whose opinions I value to share their thoughts on the subject of family meal times—something that is a valuable tool for a healthy family. I value their opinions because they basically tell me how well I did (or didn’t) do my job. That’s right…today you’re going to hear directly from Zach, Elizabeth, Olivia, and Emma.

In answer to the question, “What are your most vivid mealtime memories as a family?” this is what they had to say…

Zach: “I always liked my birthday meal—popcorn shrimp. I also liked it when you fixed roast on Sunday because if Dad wasn’t working we’d listen to the Marty Robbins cassette while you cooked. I remember the huge family dinners with everyone at Granny’s house, too. But my favorite mealtime memories are the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches you’d fix me and dad to eat when we would go out to cut wood. We’d sit in the woods—eating those sandwiches and talking about whatever.

Elizabeth: I loved how we were all just there together and you guys had each of us tell you what happened at school that day. And I loved the fact that 95% or more of our meals were home cooked (and cooked from what we’d raised).

Olivia: I loved that we all sat down together to eat. I also like that we ate what you fixed or we didn’t eat. I use that same rule for my family. We eat as a family and the TV is off. I also loved the way we all took turns praying for our meal instead of the same person doing it every night.

Emma: I loved the fact that we were all there together—eating and talking. When Dad wasn’t at work and it was all six of us was the best. I also remember the cloth napkins with all the little vegetables on them. I felt special when we used them.

Did you notice there was no mention of fancy foods or dishes, restaurants, being left alone to text, play video games, or watch TV, or about which burger combo they liked best. No, their memories were all about talking…listening…sharing…praying…just being together.

What did you learn from my kids? I hope you learned that your children crave and need the sense of belonging, nurturing, and security that only comes from being a family that talks, listens, shares, prays, and enjoys ‘just’ being together. So please, for your family’s sake and for the sake of society, make dinner time family time.

            Love,

            Momma D

                                Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                  

The Ellen Tebbits Philosphy of Friendship

One of my favorite books as a child was Beverly Cleary’s “Ellen Tebbits”. If you haven’t read the book, you should…soon. If your children haven’t read the book, they should…soon. You can even read it together!

Anyway…Ellen, the book’s main character, is missing her best friend who recently moved away and is terrified one of the girls in her dance class is going to discover her horrible, terrible secret—that she has to wear long underwear. Or even worse, her secret might be discovered by Otis Spofford—the ornery boy in her class who just happens to be her dance teacher’s son. But then she meets the new girl—Austine. And as luck would have it, Austine shares Ellen’s secret—her mother makes her wear long underwear, too!

Throughout the book Ellen and Austine share secrets, go on a few adventures, learn how to compromise, share, embrace each other’s differences, and they learn that friendship is about honesty, communication, and forgiveness. In short, they learn how to be and have a best friend.

The best part about this story, however—or the one I want draw your attention to—is this: Ellen and Austine were allowed to navigate their friendship and solve their problems without their parents interfering and intervening in their struggles. There were no threats of law suits, no demands for mediation and no taking it to someone like Judge Judy (which actually happens from time to time).

Ellen and Austine didn’t ask for or ‘need’ that kind of help intervention. They worked things out on their own…well, sort of. I know I’m reading between the lines on this one, but I’m going to go out a pretty sturdy limb and say that Ellen and Austine were able to work out their own problems because of the integrity and principled character they were exposed to at home, at school, and even in Mrs. Spofford’s School of Dance.

Because this book was written in the early 50s these things (integrity and principles) were assumed to be part of a child’s home life. It was assumed that the girls would be able to work things out given the time and opportunity to do so. Unfortunately that’s often not the case these days. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

As parents you have both the right and responsibility to blanket your children with an atmosphere of integrity, compassion, kindness, humility, and a heart that isn’t too proud to forgive. Another way to put it is like this: As parents one of your goals should be to parent in such a way that your children’s ability to handle the ups and downs of friendship honorably will be ‘automatic’ because that’s just the kind of person they are. AND the reason they’re that kind of person is because that’s the kind of person YOU are.

Friendships—especially between children and a double-dose of ‘especially’ when it comes to girls—are full of ups and downs. But if parents do their job like Ellen and Austine’s parents obviously did, we’ll soon discover we don’t have a need for certain types of reality shows (and I use the word ‘reality’ loosely). I think you know which ones I mean. J

Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

Love,

Momma D

New School Year Blues and Yahoos!

FYI: This week's post is more or less a repeat of one I did about this time last year. I'm not being lazy. I just think it's a message worth repeating...

My social media is plastered with pictures from friends who are young parents--pictures of their children's first day of school. And you know what? I LOVE it!

The pictures bring back years of wonderful memories of my children's first days of school. But they also brings back memories of school supplies (and lots of them) and of the 'blues and yahoos' that went with the start of each new year of learning.

With four kids the start of a new school year was quite an undertaking and let’s just say Wal-Mart was glad to see me coming. But I didn’t mind. In fact, I had as much fun watching and helping them pick out what they needed and wanted (within reason) as they did. There’s just something about starting something new that gives you energy and hope.

The kids hoped they got certain teachers. Sometimes they did…and sometimes they didn’t.

The kids hoped they were in the same homeroom as their best friends. Sometimes they were…and sometimes they weren’t.

The kids hoped their school ID pictures would look halfway decent instead of like a mug shot. Sometimes they did…and sometimes, well, you know the drill.

With each new school year came both blues and yahoos. But then life is like that, isn’t it?

After all, it’s really not the end of the world if they don't always get the teacher they wanted. They’re still going to learn what they are supposed to learn. And the world really won't stop turning if your child isn’t in the same homeroom or lunch period as their best friend—I promise. The ID pictures? Sorry, no guarantee on that one, either. I mean is there anyone who can take a good picture when you have all of ten seconds to step into place and say ‘cheese’ before the weird guy behind the camera takes one shot and hollers “Next!”?

As parents we know these things aren’t worth stressing over, but our kids don’t—not yet anyway. That’s where you come in. It’s your job to teach them to take things as they come and make the best of them—to instill in your children a sense of resiliency.

Children who are resilient have better social skills, have a stronger sense of self-confidence, are less likely to be bullied or to be a bully, and have must stronger coping skills when it comes to things that really should be considered as a struggle or disappointment. What’s more, studies show that resilient children turn into resilient adults.

So…as the new school year approaches, don’t feel bad about telling your child they have to choose a $15 dollar back pack instead of a $50 one. And don’t let them whine and moan because they have first lunch period instead of third like ‘everyone’ else does. They’ll get over it…and be better people for it.

Love,
Momma D

                              Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.
                                                                                                                             

           

Life is Kind of Like a Game of Red-Light...Green-Light

     Mack and Macy know that part of my daily routine includes taking a walk—usually around our neighborhood. They enjoy going along—talking, walking, and especially running ahead to the next street crossing. Both girls know if they get there before me, to wait so we can cross together.

     When I think about their running ahead…waiting…running ahead again...and waiting again, I think about how similar taking our walk is (or should be) to raising our  children.

     As parents we need to equip our children with the ability, confidence, and strength (physical and emotional) to ‘run ahead’ and experience life independently, yet staying within our reach for those moments when they need our help, our hugs, our guidance, and the boundaries for them. And when they come to a crossroads in life, they need to know to wait for us to help prepare them for it, and to know when it’s safe to ‘run ahead’ again.

     Sometimes when we walk, Macy will run ahead but Mack won’t. She’ll stay behind; holding my hand and talking about whatever is on her mind. These times are sweet for what they are, but they also remind me of how we need to make the most of the times when our children 'hang back' with us. We need to be listening, talking, sharing, teaching, cheering them on, and helping them build their confidence. In other words, these are the times we need to be heavily investing in the most precious commodity on earth.

     So whether your children are running ahead of you and exploring life on their own or walking beside you; learning as they go, it’s up to you to be the parent that provides the kind of environment and unconditional love and acceptance that makes it all possible.

Love,

Momma D

                           Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                                

Love is About More than Mashed Potatoes

Late last night my son Zach tagged me in a comment he made on Facebook. It was his answer to a picture with a caption asking people to name the food(s) they thought their grandma cooked better than anyone else. Here is his comment: Granny Great’s rolls and wilted lettuce. Best in the world. Am I right, Darla Noble?

Zach was referencing my Granny (his great-grandmother). Granny was known for many things—including the fact that she was an amazing cook. It wasn’t just the fact that she was a great cook, but it was why she was a great cook. You could literally taste the love and care that went into everything she cooked even though she did it all so effortlessly. It was just part of what made her…Granny. While I was replying to Zach’s comment I was giggling because for some reason just a day or two prior to this I had randomly recalled another memory about Zach, Granny, and her cooking…

As soon as we got to church every Sunday the kids ran straight to Granny. On this particular Sunday Granny said she’d cooked a pot of chicken and dumplings for lunch and asked if we wanted to come eat with her. Of course we said yes. Now in our family, if you have chicken and dumplings you have mashed potatoes to go with them. But when Granny went to peel the potatoes she discovered the potatoes were bad—all except two. What to do? She had a small box of instant potatoes she used for thickening soup, so she just added some of them to the two potatoes to make enough for everyone. No big deal, right? WRONG!

Zach, who was ten or eleven years old at the time, happened to pass through the kitchen just in time to see Granny mixing the instant potatoes into the real ones. He couldn’t believe his eyes! His Granny Great, the absolute best cook in the whole world…the Granny who loved us more than anything was feeding him “fake potatoes”! What was the world coming to? His reaction was a mixture of shock, disbelief, and yes, even disappointment. It actually took Granny a few minutes to explain what she was doing and why and to assure him that she was still the same Granny he knew and loved. Zach knew that Granny’s cooking skills was only one of the ways Granny expressed her love for us, but it was also one of her best ways. So when she ‘cheated’ he took it personally.

I’m happy to report that by the end of the day we were all laughing about it, and that night at Bible study she and Zach even shared the story with our friends at church. I’m also happy to report that Zach and Granny laughed and smiled about a lot of other things for several years to come—including him making her a great-great grandma twice before she passed away.

So what do instant mashed potatoes and cooking skills have to do with parenting?

We all have one or two things we do that stand out to our children and grandchildren—things we do (or say) that they view as expressions of our love for them. And we have a responsibility to make sure we don’t disappoint our loved ones by giving them cause to think our actions are anything less than genuine and sincere.

If you asked your children what they associate your love with, what would they say?

Love,

Momma D

                        Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                               

Compliments Aren't Meant To Be Hidden

I was ten years old when Helen, a middle-aged woman, came up to me after church one Sunday and said, “If you want to know what you are going to look like some day, just look at your grandmother because you’re the spitting image of her.”
Now I really loved my Granny. I still do even though she’s no longer living. And Helen was right—I do look like her and am very much like her in several other ways, as well, and I’m proud and thankful for it. But when she said that, I looked over to where Granny was standing and thought, “Yikes! I don’t ever want to look like that!” (‘That’ being graying hair, a few age spots, and skin that had more lines and wrinkles than I ever thought I would care to have) 

I’m also sure the look on my face told Helen I didn’t think her comment was the least bit complimentary. But then again, I doubt it, because she didn’t think she’d said anything wrong. And she hadn’t…not really. It wasn’t what she had said, but rather how she had said it. 

As parents we need to be careful that we don’t ‘pull a Helen’ by making observations and comments that are meant to be beneficial or complimentary…but aren’t. For example:

When your son comes out all dressed up to attend your niece’s wedding, don’t say, “Wow, you look great! It’s too bad you don’t look that nice every day.” 

Or if you are fortunate enough to have a teenage daughter who isn’t obsessed with wearing tons of makeup and trying to dress like whoever girls are imitating at the time, don’t ‘compliment’ her by saying, “I’m so glad you aren’t worried about how you look.” 

Another example of this would be saying something like, “I didn’t expect you to be able to do it, but at least you tried.” 

Do you see how easily it would be for a child or teenager hearing those words to interpret these comments negatively…even though that’s not your intention? I sure hope so. That’s why it is so very important for you to choose your words carefully and make sure they convey the message you want to send. 

If Helen were to say those words to me today I would hug her and thank her for paying me such a great compliment. But that’s because I’m no longer ten and I now have the wisdom and capability to ‘read between the lines’ in order to understand the real meaning of what is being said. Someday your kids will be able to do the same, but between now and then it is up to you to speak to them in such a way that they will even want to listen to you when they finally get there.

Love,

Momma D

                           Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.
                                                                              

Putting All Your Eggs In The Right Basket

Lately I’ve been noticing that too many parents are concerned about the wrong things when it comes to influencing and managing their children’s lives. For example…

I was recently welcoming a seven year-old to an overnight summer camp and was told by his parents that he wasn’t allowed to have cinnamon rolls for breakfast the next morning like the rest of the kids because he had to drink a GALLON of protein drink in order to be able to make weigh-ins for a wrestling match a few hours after that. 

Now it’s all well and good for your kids to be involved in activities like this, but the message that winning at all costs is more important than having fun with your friends and being a normal kid who scarfs down an ooey-gooey cinnamon roll once in a while, isn’t the message we should be sending.
As parents we need to care more about who our kids are than what our kids are. Instead of micro-managing and obsessing over whether or not they win first place in the science fair or are one of the popular kids, we need to take a more active approach to helping shape their character. Instead of doing whatever it takes to make sure they make the cheerleading squad or first chair in band, we need to make sure they know being THE best isn't always important or possible and that they have the integrity to not bully their peers.
Parents, your job isn’t to raise great kids. Your job is to raise your kids to be great adults. And in case you are wondering, great adults aren’t defined by science fair projects and high school football scores. Great adults are those that are honest, compassionate, hard-working, wise with their finances, respectful of authority and the feelings of others, and confident of their abilities and self-worth.
Influencing and managing your children’s character is going to require you to be intentional and relational with your children. Most of all, it requires you to model these behaviors because even when your children don’t appear to be listening, or really aren’t listening, you can bet they are watching every move you make.
So…when deciding what matters and what doesn’t when it comes to where you focus your parenting energy, remember this: If the ‘thing’ you are stressing over isn’t going to directly affect their twenty-one year-old self or who they are from the inside out, you’re probably putting your eggs in the wrong basket.

Love,

Momma D
                          Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                            

No Catchy Title This Week--Just Plain and Simple Truth

            While attending the funeral of an old friend a few weeks before Christmas last year, I heard the following conversation…

            “My daughter loves “Miss C” so much. She can’t wait to go to Sunday school every week knowing “Miss C” was going to be her teacher. I really didn’t know what to tell her. How do you explain death to a four year-old?”

            When asked what she did tell her little girl, the mother then replied, “I told her “Miss C” went to live at the North Pole to be one of Santa’s helpers because she loves kids so much she wanted to make sure they always have a nice Christmas.”

            Are you kidding me! If the irony of this conversation weren’t so sad, it would be hilarious. I mean think about it: This mother didn’t think telling her daughter that her Sunday school teacher was with Jesus was as comforting as saying she was with Santa Claus!

And that’s not even considering the facts that a) in the not-so-distant-future her daughter is going to find out that her momma told a big fat whopper lie because she’ll discover that Santa isn’t r-e-a-l and b) learning the truth is only going to lead to more questions that should have and could have been answered truthfully in the first place.

Listen up, parents! Your children deserve simple, honest, and age-appropriate answers to their questions—especially since these days there are lots of things to ask questions about.

For example:

When your child asks, “Is Sparky in heaven now?” when a beloved pet dies, you should simply say, “I don’t know for sure, but the Bible does talk about lions and sheep getting along in heaven, so if God thinks lions are nice enough to go to heaven, I bet he thinks Sparky is, too.”

When your child asks, “Is everyone who lives there bad?” when catching a glimpse of or hearing about the war raging in the Middle East, your reply should be, “No, not everyone who lives there is bad. That’s why our soldiers are there—to help the nice people and try to keep them safe.”

When your child questions why someone is mean to them, it’s time to inform them that not everyone will realize what a great kid they are and the best thing to do when that happens is to turn around and go play with someone who is nice. You can also tell them that sometimes people say and do things that aren’t very nice when they are sad, mad, or don’t feel well, so they need to give that person another chance.

When your child asks you if you will still be a family after the divorce, you need to be honest in telling them that your family is not going to be the same as it was, but that the love you and your soon-to-be-ex have for them (your child) is never going to change.

When your child asks if he/she will ever see their friends again after you move three states away, don’t say, “Oh, sure, we’ll come back and visit whenever we can.” You and I both know the chances of that are next to nothing, so simply tell them that they probably won’t see them very much but that they can stay in touch online or through cards and letters and reassure them that they will make new friends to play with/hang out with your new home.

Honesty, parents. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. If you aren’t honest with them, you really don’t have a right to expect them to be honest with you.

Love,

Momma D

                             Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                               

           

Sorry, Kool-Aid Cup...You Had Your Chance

A few years ago,  I was helping then-two year-old Esther, aka “Essie”, drink her bright red cherry Kool-Aid from a big girl cup. She was doing a great job of it, too. But you know how the ice in the cup falls forward when you get close to running out of whatever is in the cup? Well that’s what happened to Essie. And you know what happens when the ice falls forward, don’t you?

Yep, whatever is in the cup comes splashing out on you.

How dare that Kool-Aid! Or in Essie’s mind, how dare that cup!

When that happens to you or me we wipe our face and go on. No big deal. But to two year-old Essie, I can assure you it was a big deal…a really big deal. But not in the way you might think. Essie was a mixture of scared and mad. Not at the ice or the Kool-Aid, though…at the cup. In fact, when I went to give her another drink a minute or so later, she refused to drink out of that cup.

“No!” she said, and then pointed at my cup and said, “Drink.”

I tried again, but she was insisted the drink come from my cup. My cup was empty, so I dumped what was in her cup into mine (minus the ice) and sure enough, she drank to her heart’s content.

“You had your chance, Kool-Aid cup,” was Essie’s thought process. “You may have gotten me once, but you won’t ever do it again.”

Essie didn’t understand that the cup wasn’t the culprit and nothing I was going to say or do would be able to change her mind. Since it wasn’t a big deal I didn’t really even try, but that’s not always going to be the case in raising your children and as parents you need to be ready, willing, and able to guide them toward understanding and accepting that getting mad and getting even isn’t the way to handle situations that don’t go their way.

As parents you need to be teaching by example and instruction that when things don’t turn out the way we want them to, getting mad isn’t the solution, or when their friends hurt their feelings, shunning them won’t solve the problem. They need to know that losing a game or not getting the grade the grade they think they deserve isn’t someone else’s fault, but the result of their not playing as well as the other team or studying hard enough to get an A.

Your children are watching your every move and hanging on your every word. Even when you think they aren’t, they are. Trust me on this one. So ask yourself: Are you giving the Kool-Aid cups in your life a fair shake or are you blaming them for something they didn’t even do? Because your kids are taking their cue from you.

Love,

Momma D

                      Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                         

Some Things Just Aren't Band-aid-Worthy

I spend part of every summer at church camp teaching Bible classes, being the camp 'mom', fixing boo-boos, giving kids their medicine, checking to make sure sunscreen has been amply applied, and a host of other ‘mom-type’ things they need done for them when they’re away from home.

One thing I’ve noticed over the years in the group of 8-10 year old's is that they have very different perceptions of what is and isn’t a big deal. For example, one night while playing hide-n-seek three or four of the kids fell and scraped their shins or knees.

A couple of them were pretty ‘good’ scrapes that required a good washing with soap and water followed by ointment and a bandage or two. Both of these kids were far more concerned about getting back out there to play than they were the blood oozing from their knees.

Another child, however, came to me sobbing and moaning as if they’d just been critically injured. In fact, I heard her before I saw her and thought, “Oh, my gosh, this is gonna be bad!” It wasn’t. She’d barely scratched the surface of the skin. It wasn’t even bandaid-worthy. I wiped her knee, dried her tears, gave her a hug, promised her she was going to live, and then sent her back out to finish the game.

As she left (limping as though her leg was about to fall off) I thought about how more often than not, we as parents need to tech our kids to ‘shake it off’ and go on instead of treating every disappointment, every boo-boo, and every rejection like it is the end of the world.

I’m not saying we need to raise up a generation of emotionless, hard-hearted young people. And I’m not saying we shouldn’t be sensitive to our children’s physical and emotional pain. Not at all! But what I am saying is this: children need to have a solid understanding of what is and isn’t worth getting upset over. So what if they don’t make varsity! So what if they don’t get all A’s! So what if they don’t get to go to someone’s party! So what if you tell them no and they don’t like it!

Your kids need to learn that there are a lot of things in life that simply aren’t worth getting upset over and they need to learn that from you! They need to see you as someone who is calm, sensible, able to deal well with stress and who doesn’t panic or over-react. They need to see you model these behaviors so they can be this person, too.

Love,

Momma D

                            copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.