We're Flaky Like Hay

I'm a little (or a lot) like the mouse who got a cookie, who then wanted some milk, and then a napkin, and then decided to trim his mustache, and then.... In other words, my mind tends to wander, which is exactly what happened a while back when I saw several posts on Facebook showing farmers leaving home headed for Nebraska pulling a trailer loaded with hay. 

My first thought was to feel proud. As a retired farm gal, it makes me proud (but not surprised) to see the farm community helping each other. Those thoughts then led to a whole brain-full of memories of hauling hay; the work, the fun, the heat, the coolness that came after dark, and the late-night meals eaten in relief and satisfaction that the hay was dry and in the barn. And then those thoughts led me to think about the fact that my family is as flaky as a bale of hay. 

You heard me--we're flaky like hay. 

For those of you who have been up-close-and-personal with a bale of hay, you might be able to figure out where I'm going with this. But for those of you who haven't let me explain....

Bales of hay (they're really rectangles, but we call them square bales) consist of 18-20 sections of hay that are tied together to form the bale. These sections are called 'flakes'. Don't ask me why. They just are (unless you live in Europe, where I think they call them 'biscuits'). 

Anyway...as long as the bale is tied together, it looks like one nicely-shaped clump of dried grass. But as soon as you cut the strings or wires holding it together, the flakes start spreading apart from each other. More accurately, the ones on the ends pull away, but the center stays put--just like our family. 

From the time my kids were born until they decided it was time to strike out on their own, we were held together by faith, love, God's grace, wisdom (I hope), hard work, and the joy John and I had in being their parents. But then when they got to that stage in life when they were ready to grow up (it's a process, as we all know), we had to cut those strings and let them pull away to live their own life. And so they did, until just the center (John and I) was left. 

All four of our kids have 'flaked off' into different directions--and I mean that in a good way. But just like every parent, my hope is that they never forget who and what they were originally tied to--who and what they came from. And also like every parent, I hope that those feelings of being tied together are ones that give them a sense of belonging and the security of knowing they are forever loved and will always have a place where they belong.

So here's my question: What are you doing to make sure your kids (young or old) know that no matter what direction life takes them, they'll always have a safe and loving place to come home to--a place where they will always be loved and belong? 

Love,

Momma D

                                         Copyright 2019 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                                                                                    

Shoulda'...Coulda'...Woulda...So Glad I Did!

 

A few weeks ago, I heard someone say, “At school the test comes after the lesson, but in life, the test comes first, and then the lesson.”   How true is that—especially when it comes to parenting! When they turn you loose from the hospital; saying, “Good luck and congratulations!”, every day from there on out is a test. Or maybe I should say every day from there on out until your kids leave home is a test. And let me tell you, I spent a lot of time in ‘test mode’. From the day I first became a mom (thanks, Zach) in December of 1982, until the day my youngest daughter, Emma, left home as a new bride in August of 2012, I was in test mode. And for those who like numbers, that equals 28 years, 8 months and 3 days.

Don’t get me wrong—I enjoyed every minute. Okay, almost every minute. Nobody’s perfect—including me or my kids. Quite honestly, though, I was so busy I didn’t have time to think about the fact that I was taking the most important test of my life. Also speaking quite honestly, that was a good thing. So, it wasn’t until after the kids all left home that I started learning several lessons—lessons called Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda, and So Glad I Did.

Naturally there are things I should have done differently, could have done better, and would have done more or less of—if I would have had time to think about it. I’m happy to report, however, that for every shoulda, coulda, woulda lesson I’ve learned, I’ve also learned at least ten So Glad I Did lessons.

I have countless So Glad I Did lessons when it come to how we raised our kids. We taught them to love Jesus first. We gave them our presences instead of presents. We taught them to work hard and to work for what they have. We taught them to be kind, compassionate, honest, and just plain nice.

It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, though. Mixed in with all those So Glad I Dids, were plenty of Shoulda, Woulda, and Coulda lessons. We made mistakes like every other parent out there. We could have said some things nicer. There were times we could have been better listeners. We should have been stricter about some things, but no quite so firm on others. We would have approached a few things differently if we would have had the resources and knowledge to do so. But at the end of the day (or years), I have very few regrets, because despite any and all mistakes we made, one thing my kids can never say is that we didn’t expect anything from them we didn’t expect of ourselves. In other words, we did our best to be our best for our kids, so that they would know how to be their best. (take a minute, if you need to, to let that soak in)

Here's another thing...I’m still learning the essential lesson every parent has to learn—that it’s your job to give them a firm foundation, but what they build on top of that foundation is up to them. 

Most days my kids make me proud, happy, and grateful to be their mom, and proud of who they’ve become. And most days, I think (hope) they are proud and grateful to call me Mom. Other days, because none of us is perfect, we hurt and disappoint one another. We do things that make me wonder where they were the ‘day’ we had ‘that’ lesson, or that make me cringe when I look at myself in the mirror, and ask myself, "Did you really say (or do) that?" But for better or worse, I wouldn’t trade places with anyone…no way, no how, not for anything in the world! 

Now about what I said earlier—that thing about it’s a good thing I didn’t know I was taking a test…

In theory, it doesn’t seem very smart to take your ‘parenting test’ while you are raising your kids, and then learn the lessons after they are gone. In reality, though, if you approach parenting as a test, you’re going to be more worried about how you’re doing than how your kids are doing. That’s not good. If you approach parenting as a test, you’ll also end up learning a whole lot more Shoulda, Coulda, and Woulda lessons than you do So Glad I Did ones. 

So be glad for all the busy. Be glad your kids keep you on your toes 24/7—always needing…always wanting…always there, because, trust me when I say ‘always’ doesn’t last forever. And when ‘always’ is no more, you’re going to want and need them to say, "I'm so glad you did". 

Love,

Momma D 

                                 Copyright 2019 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                                                                                 

It's Not a Matter of If...It's a Matter of When

It’s not a matter of if you make a mistake as a parent…it’s a matter of when. 

It’s not a matter of if you say something to your child that shouldn’t be said…it’s a matter of when. 

It’s not a matter of if you look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I did good” …it’s a matter of when. 

It’s not a matter of if you ever have a ‘do as I say-not as I do’ moment…it’s a matter of when. 

It’s not a matter of if you ever hurt your child’s feelings…it’s a matter of when. 

It’s not a matter of if your kids make you so proud you can’t stop smiling…its’ a matter of when. 

It’s not a matter of if you ever feel like a complete failure as a parent…it’s a matter of when. 

It’s not a matter of if your kids ever hurt your feelings…it’s a matter of when.

It’s not a matter of if your kids ever disappoint you…it’s a matter of when. 

It’s not a matter of if you know your kids are the best thing to ever happen to you…it’s a matter of when.

It’s not a matter of if your kids ever make you so angry you can’t see straight…it’s a matter of when. 

It’s not a matter of if your kids ever make you question your ability to as a parent…it’s a matter of when. 

It’s not a matter of if your kids decide to question whether or not to live with the morals and values you gave them as children...it's a matter of when

Parenting is the most difficult AND most important job there is. It is also a job with no guarantees—no guarantees except love, because…

It’s never a matter of whether or not you love your kids...it's a matter of knowing you'll love them forever and always-no matter where, no matter when, and no matter what. 

Love,

Momma D

Just A Game...Not Just A Game...Or Is It Both?

A couple of weeks ago I got to do one of my most favorite things ever—go to a kid’s soccer game. But this wasn’t just any kid’s soccer game. This was our grandson, Reuben’s first soccer game. And let me tell you, it was quite the nail-biter. The kids played hard and they played well—especially considering the fact that they are 5 and 6 years old, and this is their first soccer team experience. They kicked the ball instead of picking it up…expect that one time. They passed the ball…sometimes without really meaning to, but hey, it was still a pass. The goalies stopped an amazing number of balls from going into the net for a goal, but they missed a few, too. 

There were several goal kicks and throw-ins, a few kids who got tired enough they asked to sit out, and of course that one memorable moment that reminds us adults that it really is just a game. That moment on this particular evening was when both teams were within a yard of where I was sitting getting ready to put the ball back into play. Sitting directly behind me was another nanna whose granddaughter just happened to be the one getting ready to throw the ball back in. Well, as any decent nanna would do, she had her phone pointed toward the action and was snapping a few photos, when said granddaughter picked up on something totally unrelated to the game…

“Hey, Nanna! You got a new phone case!”, she said, with a big smile on her face. Then without missing a beat, as if she’d just done the most natural thing in the world at a time like that, she threw the ball back into play and went right on with the game. FYI: Everyone around “Nanna” including me, missed the next few seconds of the game because we were too busy laughing…and checking out the new phone case. 

Just a game—yes, that’s what it was when talking about who won and who lost. The final score was 5 to 6. Reuben’s team didn’t win, but that was fine with me, because the other team deserved their victory. They worked just as hard for the goals they scored, as Reuben’s team did. 

Just a game—that’s what it also needs to be in the hearts and minds of parents and grandparents. No matter how young or old the child is, no matter how long they’ve been playing the game, no matter how good they are (or you think they are), it’s just a game. Even if your kid would eventually go on to be a pro—it’s just a game, because who your kids are is always more important than what they are. 

Just a game—not so much when it comes to what the kids got out of it. They got exercise (which is something most kids don’t get enough of these days), social interaction, and the experience of doing or ‘performing’ in front of a crowd, albeit a very friendly crowd. They also had the experience of having to play by the rules, learning how to play as a team, learning to listen to their coach, learning that winning and losing are equally important aspects of the game (and life), learning that there’s room for both criticism and praise in our lives, and that playing games with your friends (those you already have and those you make) is always a good idea. 

Just a game—not so much when it comes to the message we send our kids. Are we keeping the main thing the main thing? Do they know the real reasons it’s more than just a game? In other words, are your words and actions lining up with what the real take-aways are (see previous paragraph)? 

If so, great! If not, take a minute to re-read this post. 

Love,

Momma D
                                     Copyright 2019 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 
                                                                                                                

I Do NOT Like "The Cat in the Hat"

I am a big fan of Dr. Seuss—with the exception of “The Cat in the Hat” and “The Cat in the Hat Comes Back”. I do not like those books…at all. The fact that the cat comes marching into the house and takes over is creepy to me. And the fact that although Sally and her no-name brother just let it all kind of happen is disturbing. I mean, seriously, they need a fish to tell them to get rid of that no-good feline?

Call me crazy or whatever, but I just don’t like it. I do, however, think there is a valuable lesson parents need to learn from reading it (which you undoubtedly have). The lesson is this…

Your children need YOU to teach them how to say no AND what to say no to.

 I remember the “Just Say No!” slogan my kids were taught in middle-school about saying no to drugs. The DARE campaign, as it was called, however, was a huge flop. There isn’t a research report or any other form of evidence that shows kids who sat through the weekly talks from the friendly police officer were less likely to use drugs than anyone else.

I’m not the least bit surprised the program didn’t do what it was meant to do, and here’s why: it isn’t the school’s job to instill morals in our children. Schools are for academic education and mirroring good citizenship and character. Our children need to be able to trust their teachers and look up to them as people of integrity with sound morals but teaching your children what integrity and morals are…that’s YOUR job.

It is YOUR job to make sure your children know right from wrong and how to choose right over wrong. It is your job to teach your children what is and isn’t safe for them, who and what is dangerous, and how to steer clear of those things.

Society is quick to give children too much credit (responsibility) these days. Just because they’re tech-savvy when it comes to operating a phone, tablet, or computer, doesn’t mean they know the risks and dangers involved. Think: Facebook stalkers and sex trafficking. Children are children. Their brains aren’t mature enough to discern and process these things. Again…that’s YOUR job. YOU need to be the one to teach, protect, train, and guide them through their childhood and teenage years and on into adulthood.

In other words…

IT’S YOUR JOB TO MAKE SURE YOUR CHILDREN AREN’T DEPENDING ON A FISH (or friend, a television show, a book, a website, a video game, or even another adult) FOR GUIDANCE, PROTECTION, AND LOVE.

Love,

Momma D

                                   Copyright 2019 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                                       

The Privilege Of Doing Things Again

In addition to sharing my Momma D advice and encouragement with you each month I've also been privileged to do the same for parents in Australia and the Philippines. I know--it’s crazy, isn’t it? A gal from Mid-Missouri giving advice to parents in three continents. Go figure! 

Anyway…several months ago the magazine in Australia asked me to write an article on “Parenting MBA”—MBA being short for Minimal Behavior Accepted. The purpose of the article, I was told, was to motivate parents to decide what their ‘threshold of pain’ was in regards to how much they were willing to let slide before saying ‘enough is enough’. 

As I thought about the angle the magazine's editor suggested I take, something both Granny and her mom (my great-grandma) always said kept running through my mind….

“If you don’t do it right the first time you will have the privilege of doing it again.”

There’s nothing minimal or MBA about that, is there? Neither Grandma nor Granny was satisfied with anyone doing just enough to get by. I don’t remember it being enough for my mom either, and I know it wasn’t enough for John and me when we were raising our kids. And you want to know something?I’m glad for it.

Taking a minimal standards approach to parenting is damaging to your child's self-confidence and self-respect. Instead of sending the message that says you have confidence in their ability to do AND to learn, you are saying: 

*I won’t expect too much because I don’t think you are capable of giving it.

*I won’t expect too much because it doesn’t really matter. 

On top of that, you are encouraging your child to be lazy, irresponsible, selfish, and disrespectful of authority. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true...sadly true and sadly evident in our society. 

Social media is flooded with posts and tweets about ‘the good ‘ole days’ and ‘remember when’s’ that speak of a time when respect, hard work, self-sufficiency, and other solid character traits were the norm rather than the exception they seem to be today. But if you really do long for that type of society and lifestyle again, then you need to do something about it—something like raising the bar and setting higher expectations for your children than just minimal standards of behavior. 

I’m thankful I was expected to do things right--or do them over. I’m also not apologizing for having expected the same from my kids. What's more, I'm sure they wouldn’t want me to. Children need to know you believe they are capable of more than doing just enough to get by. Their confidence to be a be a productive and successful child and adult depends on it. So instead of settling for the least they can give, help them discover how much they have to offer. 

Love,

Momma D

                                             

                                          Copyright 2019 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                                   

What's Your Kid Code

A couple of months ago I spent my time and space on this blog talking to you about making sure you don't inadvertently do something to put your kids in harm's way...like plastering their name all over their back, jacket, bookbag, beach towel, and so on. I got a lot of positive feedback and comments from what I wrote, so this month I'm going to give you another little lesson in how to keep your children safe from people who may look and sound harmless...but aren't. 

I want to strongly suggest you give your children a 'kid code'. A 'kid code' is a word or phrase that only you and your children know. It needs to be something so random and unique that no one would ever think of it on their own--especially a 'bad guy'. This means your kid code should NOT be an address, birthdate, family member or pet's name, favorite food, color, or anything like that. No, it needs to be really different. 

I'm not going to tell you what my children's kid code is because well, then it wouldn't be safe anymore. Yes, I know they're grown, but they're still my babies, so.... :) But what I will do is give you some suggestions for things/topics you can choose from to make it easy for your children to remember, yet difficult for anyone else to guess. Are you ready? 

*A scripture reference from the Bible (example: Exodus 14:14)

*A unique name from the Bible (example: Zipporah)

*A strange animal you've seen pictures of (example: Blob fish)
*A seventies rock band/musician (example: Paul McCartney)
*A character from "One Fish, Two Fish..." (example: a Zans for cans)

Get the picture?

You need to give your children their kid code and emphasize that they are to tell NO ONE. Not for any reason, at any time, no matter what anyone says. They also need to know who does know the code (you, grandparent, etc.). So if someone ever approaches them and tries to coerce them into going with them (God forbid!), your child needs to say, "What's my kid code?" If the person knows (they get one opportunity to get it right), then fine. But if not, your child needs to know they need to run away as fast as they can to someone who is safe (a teacher, store clerk, YOU).

A child is never really too old for a kid code, so don't think this is only for your little ones. And one more thing--make it a hard and fast rule that your children aren't to talk about having a kid code with their friends or anyone else. Make sure they know it's just between you and them-for their safety and wellbeing.

Kid codes are an easy and smart way to help your children know who is and isn't safe, so start thinking and give your children their kid code today!

Love,
Momma D

                                       Copyright 2018 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 
                                                                                                                          

Momma, Why Does Santa Love Some Kids More Than He Loves Me???

If you've been a Momma D follower you may recognize this post from previous years about this same time. Yes, it's a repeat, but that's because this is something I truly believe can't be said too often. Our children's hearts are tender and impressionable and we need to do what we can to guard and protect them from being injured. But we shouldn't have to feel like we're flying solo. As parents we need to be mindful of the hearts of all children. So with that being said, please keep reading and please take these words to heart. 

About few years ago I read something that broke my heart. It was an open letter from a mom to all the other moms ‘out there’. The woman was asking moms across the country to please have Santa give their children ordinary gifts rather than expensive, extravagant items like phones, computers, gaming devices, designer clothes, and the latest and greatest toys. She asked that if parents chose to give their children these items that they come from them instead of Santa.

Why? Because she never wanted to be put in the position of having to answer her six year-old daughter’s question again—“Why does Santa Claus like other kids more than he does me?”

This loving mother explained that she and her husband worked hard to provide for their two children, but their paychecks barely paid for the necessities in life like rent, childcare, food, utilities, clothes, and vehicle expenses. In other words, there wasn’t much left for Christmas.

“We couldn’t afford the things other kids in their classes at school got,” she said. “But when my daughter heard other kids talking about what they got, she was hurt and confused. Not because she didn’t get those things, but because she viewed the obvious differences as a sign that she wasn’t good enough in Santa’s eyes to merit such gifts—that she had done something bad or wrong to cause him not to bring her the same type of gifts some of her friends received.”

She went on to say that she didn’t want people feeling sorry for them and that she wasn’t asking for a hand-out. She just wanted to remind people that since we tell our kids that Santa loves all boys and girls and that he brings gifts to them because of this love, we need to make Santa an ‘equal opportunity gift-giver’.

So as you get ready to head out to grab up all those great deals and try to fulfil the wishes of everyone on your gift list, remember that it really isn’t the cost or extravagance of the gift, but the fact that you thought of giving anything at all. Besides, if you think about it, Santa can’t possibly afford all those things, so….

Love,

Momma D

                                  Copyright 2018 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                                                                                     

A Majority of One Still Needs to Win

With Thanksgiving being less than a week away it’s no wonder our thoughts gravitate toward sitting around the table with our family and/or friends eating more than we should and enjoying those obscure foods we save for this time of year. You know which ones I’m talking about—those Jell-O salads with their weird combinations of ingredients, stuffing, sickeningly-sweet sweet potatoes, and cranberry something or other. Or do we really look forward to them? How many of you actually eat these "it-wouldn’t-be-Thanksgiving-without-them dishes"?

Personally I like several of those weird ingredient Jell-O recipes. Hey, don’t knock ‘em unless you’ve tried ‘em. As for the stuffing, sugary potatoes, and cranberry ‘whatever’, I’ll pass. But just because I don’t like these things doesn’t mean no one else does. Case in point: the cranberry ‘whatever’. 

My grandpa loved the cranberry salad my mom always made. I think a couple of other people may have taken a bite or two of it, but that was it. So why did she bother? She made it because there was someone at the table who looked forward to it being part of our Thanksgiving meal, and to the leftovers he’d have in the days following. 

Now I know you’re probably thinking the story of my grandpa and the cranberry salad are leading up to a lesson in being thankful or something along those lines. But that’s not it at all. It’s about your responsibility as a parent to make sure your kids know the number one is NOT the loneliest number and that being a majority of one does NOT cancel out their need or right to be heard. 

Let me explain it a little further...

A ‘majority of one’ means there’s only one person in your family who likes, needs, or wants a particular thing. But just because they are the only one, doesn’t release you from your responsibility to make sure they get it. For example, if only one of my four children had a food allergy, would I make them eat the foods they were allergic to because everyone else could? No way! But on the other hand, I wouldn’t keep the non-allergic kids from eating it.

What I’m saying is that your children need to know that not only is it okay to be their special, unique self, but that you will help and encourage them in the process. I’m not talking about fixing three different meals because you have picky eaters. I’m talking about life; academic strengths and weaknesses, natural talents and abilities, personality traits, and preferences in music, clothes, and things like that. 

So remember, a majority of one is still a majority when it comes to your kids, and majority always ‘rules’. 

                             HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM OUR FAMILY TO YOURS

Love,

Momma D

                    Copyright 2018 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author. 

                                                                                                                                  

You Would Never Put Your Kids In Danger...Or Would You?

If I were to ask how conscientious you are about keeping your child safe, you would undoubtedly give me a what-kind-of-parent-do-you-think-I-am look. That look would then be followed up with a list of all the things you do—make sure they are well-fed, ride in their car seat or wear a seatbelt, get them their flu shot, make sure they get proper medical treatment, monitor their social media, teach them about stranger-danger and bullies, make sure they dress for the weather, teach them to look both ways before crossing the street, not to touch a hot stove, and all those other things good parents do.

All the while I would be smiling and nodding; throwing in an occasional “That’s great”.  Then when you were done talking I would tell you that for all the things you are doing right, you might possibly be doing something that has the potential to put your kids in grave danger without even realizing what it is you are doing.

The ‘thing’ I’m talking about is personalizing your kids’ things. Plastering their name on their backpacks, clothes, beach towels, sports bags, jackets, or anything else they wear or use in public is an invitation to predators to trick your child into believing they are their friend.  Most kids wouldn’t think twice about trusting someone who ‘knows’ them well enough to call them by name. They don’t stop to think about how that person even knows their name—which is exactly what the predator is counting on. 

When someone calls us by name we feel an instant connection to them; we trust them. The same holds true for your child. So when a stranger calls your child by name, they automatically assume they are a friend—or at the very least, a safe adult. But we all know that’s not always the case. We know that child abductions and exploitation (sexual abuse, social media stalking, etc.) take place every single day. We also know that children are gullible, naïve, and trusting, so teaching them to be cautious without being paranoid is our job. 

I’m not saying you shouldn’t put your child’s name on their stuff. I’m just saying there’s nothing wrong with doing it the old-fashioned way…on the inside and out of plain sight. Putting your child’s name on their stuff should be done for the purpose of identifying the item if it gets lost. Anyone who needs to know your child’s name can learn it the right way…the safe way. 

Love,                                                                                                                                                
Momma D

                     "Love, Momma D" is available in paperback and e-reader formats. 

           You can connect with me on Facebook and see how you can pay it forward by reading my books by visiting my website

                           Copyright 2018 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.