A Tiny Letter With A Giant Message

There was a time when children ‘were to be seen and not heard’ and when it was unacceptable to include children in ‘grownup’ conversations and situations of any kind. In the eyes of a child adults were unshakeable and lacking feelings and emotions. 

Children rarely (if ever) saw their parents or grandparents express worry, pain, or grief. And there are still people like that today. I even know people today who won’t let their kids (pre-teens include) attend funerals of family members because death is “too scary” and something they don’t want them to have to deal with. 

While I agree that there are definitely times and places children shouldn’t be included, there are plenty of times when they should. I was reminded of that in a very sweet and special way a few years ago when Mackenzie was about seven...

Mackenzie knew I could use some cheering up, so she wrote a letter and mailed it to me—a letter telling me she was sorry about the events of the last few days, that she loved, me and that she hoped I would feel better soon. 

It worked. That little handwritten ‘love note’ did wonders. But Mackenzie’s awareness of what had taken place did more than make me feel better. Without realizing it, Mackenzie benefitted from the experience, too. 

In knowing what was going on Mackenzie was able to ‘practice’ compassion and understanding. She was able to express her feelings of love and concern without being dismissed. She was also reminded that emotions and feelings are perfectly normal and okay…even for adults. 

Children need to be able to practice compassion and understanding in order to become compassionate and understanding adults. Children need to know their feelings and matter and that they have the ability to make a difference in the lives of others. Children need to know how to express their emotions and feelings appropriately—and that it’s perfectly okay to do so no matter how old you are. 

Again…there are definitely situations and conversations that are for adults only, but when that’s not the case, don’t deny your children the opportunity to become stronger, wiser, kinder, more compassionate, more confident, and better equipped to handle the things life throws their way.

Love,
Momma D

                             Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                             

Respect is Sharing Your Fish with Your Grandkids

Spring break, summer, vacation, and Christmas break around our house means toys all over the floor, craft projects galore, kid’s movie marathons, multiple reminders to “brush your teeth”, adventurous outings, and Grandpa’s ‘gourmet’ cinnamon toast or yummy grilled chicken. In other words, the grandkids are on the scene. 

Over the years there have been times when our adventures take us to the pet store to look at all the fish, ferrets, lizards, hamsters, birds, snakes (with great personalities, the store clerk said), and other small creatures wanting a new and forever home. And Mackenzie and Macy are always more than willing to oblige. Over the years I've had the following conversation more than once. Okay--I've had it several times, but who's counting?

“Nanna will you buy me a fish?”

“No, honey, I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I won’t buy you a pet without your mom and dad’s permission.”

“Call them.”

"We’ve talked about this before. You’ve got plenty of pets—sheep, kittens, dogs, turtles...you don’t really have time to take care of any more pets.”

“I’ll keep it at your house.”

“I already have fish so we’ll just say they’re your fish, too.”

Now Macy jumps into the conversation with, “Can your fish be mine, too?”

“Sure, why not. I'd love to share them with you.”

These conversations always remind me of a similar one Mackenzie and I had when she was about three—one in which she tried to convince me to pierce her ears while she was watching me get ready for the day. Again I said no because it wasn’t my decision to make. She tried to assure me her mom wouldn't care, but I knew otherwise. I wasn't born yesterday, you know. 

Listen up, grandparents! Your job is to love your grandchildren; playing with them, fixing their favorite foods, reading books, answering millions of questions, letting the house stay messy until they leave, holding little hands, keeping weed flowers (as the girls call them) as a treasured memory, sharing lipstick, disciplining them when they are in your care, and NOT usurping their parents’ authority or wishes.

Buying the girls a fish wouldn’t have put a dent in the budget and I could have found several ways to ‘justify’ it (a nanna’s privilege, teaching them responsibility….). But none of those things would have been justification for ignoring Zach and Becca’s wishes. They’ve got plenty to do without having to worry about keeping a fish alive and a fish bowl clean. Besides, I love and respect them too much to disregard their wishes and ‘house rules’.

So remember, grandparents, your job isn’t to make the rules for your grandkids. Your job is to respect your children’s rules for their children and to model that respect for authority to your grandchildren.

Love,

Momma D

                            Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be copied or used without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                   

Saying "No" to Sleepovers Could be the Best Thing You Ever Say to Your Child

A while back I read a blog post from a young father that was interesting, thought-provoking, a wonderful example of Godly parenting, and something I think is worth expounding on. The subject: Three reasons why they had decided to not allow their children to participate in sleepovers. The writer stated that as parents, it was his and his wife’s responsibility to keep their children safe and to do whatever they could to protect them from danger—and that in their opinion protecting them included not allowing sleepovers. He went on to explain his reasoning, which was based on his own personal experience as a child; experiences that included being exposed to pornography and being subjected to sinful and illegal acts. He went on to say that while his wife’s experiences weren’t that severe, she, too, had been exposed to things she wished she wouldn’t have been. 

As I read this article I remembered a few sleepovers I’d been to that weren’t so great. Quite honestly my parents could have been a lot more particular than they were—for my safety and protection. Nothing too terribly bad happened, but there were times when things could have, and I would have been right there in the middle of it all. 

And then I thought about my own kids. Thankfully, I was more particular when it came to who my kids stayed with. I made sure I knew the parents and the kids, too. I may be wrong, but as far as I know my kids were always safe and well-supervised at these events. And if I am wrong, I apologize from the depths of my heart for falling down on the job, kids. 

So what am I saying? Am I saying all sleepovers are bad? No, not really. If done right and with the right people, they’re fine. The problem is that more often than not, you don’t have any idea if it’s being done right or how well supervised they are. Am I saying you should never let your kids out of your sight or allow them to try something new, take a few risks, or experience things outside their comfort zone? No, not at all! 

What I am saying, however, is that as parents, you need to be very careful about leaving your children under the care and supervision of someone other than yourself—even if it’s ‘only’ overnight or for a few hours. That’s right—even a few hours. As careful as I was about who my kids spent time with, there were a couple of birthday parties and playdates I still wish I wouldn’t have allowed because they weren’t pleasant and exposed my kids to habits and attitudes I didn’t appreciate them being exposed to. 

I’m also saying that the new things they try and the risks, and adventures they take need to be emotionally, physically and spiritually sound. Otherwise, you are putting your child’s safety and well-being at risk and that isn’t good parenting. 

When I shared this article on my social media, I was prepared for comments about being over-protective and suspicious. Instead, the comments were completely supportive of the parents’ decision. In fact, every parent with small children who commented said they were in full agreement with these parents—with the exception of having sleepovers grandparents and aunts/uncles, that is. 

Parents, there is nothing as precious and fragile than the hearts and minds of your children. Love them. Guard them. Protect them.

Love,
Momma D

                              Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                

The Smelly Green Tent Lesson

I remember reading and article a few years ago talking about the fact that Tori Spelling let her seven year-old daughter dye her hair and her surprise at the backlash she was receiving over the ‘ordeal’. Spelling, the mother of four, said she after talking to her daughter about why she wanted to do it, she decided to let her proceed with both her help and her ‘blessing’.

Afterwards, the little girl said she learned something from doing it—that she never wanted to color her hair again. Spelling said she also learned something—that sometimes it’s better to let your kids have learning experiences such as this in a ‘controlled environment’ (under your supervision); enabling you to oversee the valuable lessons they can learn resulting from their actions.

As I read the article I was reminded of something somewhat similar in our house several years ago involving a smelly green tent. The tent was old and tiny and no matter how much you aired it out, it had that old canvas tent smell to it—something that didn’t seem to bother the kids at all. So every once in a while they hauled it out of the basement and pitched it in the back yard with the intention of spending the night in it.

I knew they wouldn’t follow through on the plan for one reason or another, OR that if they actually did start out in the tent they wouldn’t stay until morning. How did I know? I just did. If you’re a parent you know what I’m talking about.

So what did I do? I let them pitch the tent, load it up with everything they thought they would need for the night, and then said prayers with them…in their beds come bedtime. Well, all except for that one time when they actually started out there knowing the door would be unlocked if (when) they changed their minds.

Now I realize allowing your little girl to dye her hair is bigger than the whole tent thing and I also realize the possible negative self-image issues the hair dye might conjure up. But here’s the deal: Tori Spelling wasn’t encouraging her daughter to change her looks or implying in any way that a dye job would make her daughter prettier, smarter, a better person, or anything else. She was simply giving her daughter the opportunity to satisfy her curiosity about something with supervision and in a loving, safe environment.

I admit when Emma asked to dye her hair “Ariel Red” at age four, I said no. Not because she asked, but because she asked for “Ariel Red”. I mean, seriously, would you have said yes? I also said no to a few other things, too, because I knew nothing good could come from them. I did, however, say yes to perms, yes to bike ramps, yes to death traps…I mean tree swings, yes to welcoming a mouse into my house, and yes to several other things that would have been easier (and possibly smarter) to say no to. But had I done so, my kids would have been left wondering ‘what if’ and ‘I wonder what it would be like to….”

The morals of the story: 1) You don’t have to be named George to be curious and 2) Teaching your child how to know the difference between a life-lesson and a life-altering mistake is best done when they’re small.

Love,
Momma D

                              Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.  

                                                                              

How Do You Spell, 'Maggie is Dead'?

Are you ready for one of, if not the best “Macy story” of all? Good, because you’re about to get it…

Mack and Macy, who were two and five at the time, were spending several days with us and it just so happened it was a few days before Father’s Day, so Emma (who was also visiting) and I were helping the girls make cards for Zach.

After decorating the front of the cards we told the girls we would help them write their names and a message to their daddy on the inside. Mack immediately asked, “How do you spell I love you, Daddy?”

Sweet, but predictable, right? Of course she wanted to let her daddy know how much she loves him.

Macy, on the other hand, asked, “How do you spell Maggie is dead?”

Huh?

A few weeks prior to the card-making event Zach’s beloved dog, Maggie had died. Zach was raised on a farm and still farms, so he understands that animals live and animals die. He’d lost several pets over the years, but losing Maggie had been hard on Zach. They were close, those two.

Now before you pronounce judgement on my vivacious, adorable, and very loving Macy, let me explain something: In her own two year-old Macy Scout Noble fashion, Macy was letting her daddy know she was there for him—that she understood that he was sad and why. In her awkward two year-old Macy fashion, she was extending love, sympathy, and empathy.

Emma still jokingly refers to this as Macy’s way-to-stab-your-dad-in-the-heart moment, but we know better because we know Macy. We know Macy the way you need to know your children and how to listen for what is at the heart of their words.

Children don’t always have the ability to express themselves in a way we adults deem proper or tactful. Children are more literal and simplistic. Macy knew the card was an expression of love so she simply wanted to tell Zach that her love for him included her sympathy over the loss of a beloved pet.

The lesson here is this: before you reprimand your children for being insensitive, blunt, or even rude, consider the context of their words. Look for the simple, child-like message, because after all, they are children.

Love,
Momma D

                                             Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be copied or used without permission from the author.

                                                                            

President of the Fan Club

I still remember the feelings I had when Zach would cross the finish line at a cross-country meet. Pride and pride…two different kids. 

Before I explain what I mean, I want to take a minute to say that cross-country running is the most grueling sport there is as well as the most under-appreciated one. If you don’t believe me, ask anyone who has done it…or their mom. 

Anyway…the first pride I felt was the ‘normal’ kind of pride because a) I was witnessing Zach accomplish something difficult and doing it very, very well b) He was doing something I could never do…ever c) His discipline and commitment to the sport were paying off and he was realizing emotional and physical success because of it. 

As for the second kind of pride (which is really first in this momma’s heart)…it was the pride of being the one he looked for when he crossed the finish line. I remember on a few occasions I was lucky enough to be on side of the finishing line when he crossed and having him literally fall into my arms—exhausted and excited all at the same time. Zach wanted and needed me…his mom!

 More than fifteen years later Zach has a loving, beautiful wife, precious daughters, and is a strong, capable and intelligent man, but he still wants to share his accomplishments, news, and even some of the trivial things in life with me. And I couldn’t be happier or feel more blessed and honored. 

He also needs to. He needs to because I’m Mom and kids need their moms. 

No matter how old your kids get, how much or how little they have, or how accomplished they are, they still want and need your validation, your ‘way to go’, your expressions of pride, and to know you are, and will always be their biggest fan. 

Don’t let them down. 

Love,
Momma D

                                Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be copied or used without permission from the author.

                                                                                  

Are You Pickin' Up What I'm Puttin' Down?

A few years ago while talking to Mackenzie on the phone, she started switching some words around while trying to tell me something. Realizing what she’d done, she said, “Nanna, let me rephrase that so it makes more sense…”

My immediate reaction was to smile and think to myself, “How did she get to be so grown up and so smart in seven short years?” My second thought was this: How often did my kids wish I would have rephrased things so they were easier to understand or more pleasant to listen to? 

Fast-forward a couple of weeks to a memory my daughter Emma and my daughter in-love, Becca were sharing. I’m not sure how the subject came up, but the memory was that of a seven year-old Emma getting in trouble for sneaking a change of clothes to school because she didn’t like the choices I’d given her. 

I honestly don’t remember the incident, but they both did. It went something like this…I’d given Emma a choice between two sets of clothes to wear to school (something I often did until they were around eight or displayed the ability to choose appropriately for the weather, etc.). 

Apparently Emma didn’t like the choices I’d given her so she sneaked a change of clothes into her book bag and changed when she got to school. Well it just so happened that I had to drop something off at the school that day and met Emma in the hallway. Emma and Becca both remember Emma getting in trouble for the incident. From Emma’s (then) seven year-old perspective, she was getting in trouble for wearing something I hadn’t okayed. But knowing my thought process, that wasn’t it. The reason she got in trouble was because of her dishonesty. Sneaking and lying never did and never will cut it with this Momma. 

Emma’s bag lady routine happened over 16 years ago and like I said, I don’t remember it. But I’ve thought about it quite often since she and Becca brought it to my attention. Why? Because I didn’t rephrase my words and attitude so it would make more sense to my little girl. She missed the message entirely and I let it happen. 

Don’t let it happen to you and your kids. Make sure they get the real meaning behind what you are saying. And if they don’t say, “Let me rephrase that so it makes more sense.”

Love,
Momma D

                            Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author

                                                                            

Please Get Off the Tractor and Don't Pick Up that Lamb

For several years, our farm was a Missouri Agri-tourism site. This meant it was recognized and promoted as offering educational and entertaining farm tours. In other words, families, adult groups, and groups of children—LOTS of children visited the lambing barns and greenhouse on the farm to learn where our food comes from and other important things about the word of agriculture. 

For the most part, children made up the bulk of our visitors; teachers wanting to give their students the farm experience. I thoroughly enjoyed making sure everyone had a good time while learning something new…a good and safe time. 

Our farm was a working farm, which means there was livestock, tools and equipment—things that could have hurt someone if not used properly. That’s why immediately after I welcomed a group of children to the farm, we talked about safety rules and how obeying these rules would make their visit more fun for everyone. And you know what? The kids were good with that. Even the most mischievous children and busiest preschoolers willingly obeyed the rules. As for some of the parents who came along as ‘chaperones’…not so much. In fact, often times they could be a real problem. 

The parents who came along usually came with cameras (or phones, as time went on) so they could capture every moment of the event—which was fine. I had no problem with them taking pictures. What I did have a problem with however, was the fact that many of the parents told their children to break the rules. Yep, in nearly every group of visitors there was a parent or two that told their child to climb on a gate, pick up a lamb, climb up on the bales of straw or hay, or get up on the tractor so they could snap a few pictures. 

Whenever I saw a child getting ready to do what I'd asked them not to, I was quick to remind them by saying, “You promised not to break the rules, so please keep your promise.”

They wanted to. I could see it on their faces. And usually this reminder was all it took to rein parents back in. There were times, though, that the reminders went unheeded and parents would say, “Oh it’s okay, go ahead.” Or “I just want a quick picture he/she won’t hurt anything” to which I replied that it wasn’t okay and they would need to follow the rules. The end. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about those parents lately—the ones who teach their children to disrespect authority and who instill a sense of entitlement and a belief that they are exempt from the rules. I've been thinking about how many news stories wouldn’t be news stories if parents didn’t encourage their kids to break the rules. How many outbreaks of violence and shootings wouldn’t take place if parents didn’t teach their children to ignore the voice of authority?

You might think it’s ‘just a picture’, that it's a dumb rule, that it's no big deal, or that the teacher doesn’t know what he/she is talking about. But when you teach, encourage and condone your children’s attitude of disrespect and disregard for rules and guidelines, you are also doing something else. You are putting yourself and your kids just one ‘episode’ closer to being a news story. 

Think about it…

Love,
Momma D

                             Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                            

The Best Fishing Happens In a Laundry Basket

The other day I came across a picture Olivia texted to me about three years ago, along with a text telling me Reuben had spent a good part of the morning in the laundry basket ‘fishing’. At one point Olivia noticed he’d taken his shirt off. When she asked him why he’d done that, he said (with all the sincerity in the world), “Because I didn’t want to get it wet.”

How sweet is that, right? But you know my sharing these stories is always about more than how sweet and special I think my kids and grandkids are, so here’s the deal…

Reuben’s mom is doing him a HUGE favor by allowing and requiring him to use his imagination and to play…you remember that, don’t you—actually using your mind, your body, and ‘stuff’ in order to entertain yourself. FYI: this is the opposite of relying on a television, a computer screen, or even a phone for entertainment.

Letting (or making) your kids play is essential for their physical, emotional, and psychological development. Studies show that kids who spend too much time in front of a screen of any kind have over 75% more psychological problems than kids who don’t. Kids who have too much screen time are also…

*Less social—they don’t know how to interact with real people

*Not as academically successful as kids who don’t

*Considerably more prone to be overweight and out of shape

*Have little or no interest in extra-curricular activities, sports, or hobbies

*Have fewer friends

When I look at this list I think, how sad! When I look at kids living this list, I think shame on their parents!

I'm not saying TV and computers are bad or that they should never have access to these things. Not at all! But I am saying they shouldn't spend too much time in front of a screen.

So, question: How much is too much time? The answer: no more than two to three hours a day combined screen time for kids ages 3 and up (according to the American Academy of Pediatrics). Kids under age 3 should have half that amount of time or less.

Our kids deserve better and more than they get from a screen. They deserve to know what it feels like to play in a mud puddle, splash around in the rain, catch lightening bugs, play hide-n-seek, bake cookies from scratch, play board games, play dress-up, play kickball with the kids in the neighborhood, ride bikes, and yes, take your laundry basket out on a fishing excursion.

Don't you agree?


Love,
Momma D

                            Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be copied or used without permission from the author. 

                                                                                                   

                                                                                                             

That Momma Bear...She Really Knows Her Stuff

John and I raised our kids using our faith in God and the Bible’s teachings, common sense, and a whole lot of love. But I have to tell you there’s something (or ‘someone’) else I depended on for advice. She’s got a first-rate philosophy when it comes to raising kids. I mean this gal really knows her stuff. Her name? Momma Bear…Momma Berenstain Bear. 

You might be laughing right now or even thinking all those years of raising my kids was harder on my brain than I’m willing to admit, but before you go that far, hear me out.

Momma Bear faced just about every issue a parent can face and wasn’t afraid to address these issues realistically, unapologetically, and the way every parent should—with respect, discipline, and love. For example…

When Sister Bear was faced with how to deal with the in-crowd (aka mean girls), Mamma’s words of wisdom were exactly what Sister (and our kids) needed to hear: “They show off for the crowd by picking on someone who has a certain kind of name or wears a certain kind of clothes. They try to build themselves up by putting others down.” In other words, you don’t need friends who treat other people unkindly in order to get attention.

And then there’s the issue of trusting your kids with the freedom of being out from under the umbrella of your supervision. Mamma Bear sums it up better than anyone when she says, “With privilege comes responsibility.” Remind your kids that every action we take has a consequence; good, bad or indifferent and that we all have to live with the consequences of our actions as well as the actions of others we associate with.

Momma Bear isn’t the only one in Bear County who knows what life is all about, though. When it comes to facing up to peer pressure without caving in, Farmer Ben had a few things to say worth repeating…like when he was talking to Brother Bear about going along with the members of a rowdy bunch of boys because he was too afraid to say no. Here’s what he told Brother, “…being a part of a group is okay-and maybe even having a leader. But you always have to think for yourself-especially about important things like what’s right and what’s wrong, and what’s safe and what’s dangerous.”

Here’s something else Momma Bear helped me teach my kids: I really do understand. When your kids play the ‘you don’t understand’ card, start sharing stories from your childhood and teen years and the outcome of the decisions you made (good and/or bad). Doing this builds a stronger bond between the two of you. They’ll hear first-hand that you really do understand the pressures they face to fit in. And who knows…they might even actually consider you a safe and viable source of support and advice in the future. I know that’s what happened in my house.

 Momma Bear reminded me why it is important to hold our kids accountable for the lies they tell, to own their mistakes, not to put too much pressure on them, to not judge people based on what they look like, and a plethora of other important things. But most of all, Momma Bear reminded me (and my kids) that at the end of the day knowing that you are loved with that ‘just because’ kind of unconditional love is what matters most.

Love,

Momma D

                          Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.