Psych!!!!!!!!!!

Emma and I were in the yogurt shop one day enjoying our yogurt and going over her wedding plans. We were seated directly across from the yogurt bar, so we could not help but see and overhear what happened next…

A mom came in with her two small children; a boy and girl who looked to be between five and seven years old. They stopped in front of the bowls where she said, “See, you take a bowl and then go over here and put the flavor of yogurt you want in the bowl.” (They moved down the line to stand in front of the yogurt dispensers.)

She then guided them further down the line to stand in front of the toppings bar. The toppings bar (in case you don’t know) is filled with containers of crushed candy bars, nuts, fruit, sprinkles, gummy bears and all sorts of other goodies you can top your yogurt with.

You could see the children’s eyes getting bigger and bigger as they listened to their mom telling them that a person could choose as many of the goodies as they wanted to put with their yogurt. “And then,” she said, “you take it to the person at the counter, pay for it and then sit down to eat it.”

Emma and I expected to see the children and their mother go back to the bowls and begin their delicious yogurt experience. But that is NOT what happened. Instead, the mother of these children said, “See, doesn’t that look good? We aren’t going to get any today, but we will come back soon and when we do you will know what to do. Okay?” And with that the three of them walked back out the door—the children not saying a word.

BAM! Talk about taking the wind out of somebody’s sails! Emma and I just looked at each other not knowing whether to laugh or cry. Did she really just do that to her kids?

Okay, I admit—we laughed. It was the I-can’t-believe-that-just-happened kind of laugh. But we were not nearly as amused as we were dumfounded and even sad for those two kids. Their little faces fell when their mom announced they were leaving empty-handed.

As parents we need to be careful to not dangle the proverbial carrot in front of our children’s faces—exasperating them. You cannot dangle your attention, support, time, encouragement and even your love in front of them and then yank it away because you are too busy or because your children disappoint you or don’t live up to your expectations. To do so sets them up for low self-esteem and insecurity, resentfulness and rebellion that can lead to making poor choices that may also be life-altering choices.

Our children aren’t cups of yogurt; hoping you’ll load them up with toppings called acceptance, trust, encouragement and unconditional love. They are children—your children—and should never be made to feel as if they have to wait for some other day for you to parent from the heart.

 

Love,

Momma D

                                                             
                                                                     

When I Grow Up I Want To Be A Teenager

“When I grow up I want to be a teenager,” Olivia said whenever anyone talked about what they wanted to do or be someday. 

I’m happy to report she made it. And I have to admit on her thirteenth birthday that we teased her a bit about the fact that she had already achieved her life’s goal. What was she going to do with the rest of her life?

I’m also happy to report that it didn’t take long to for Olivia to realize that life had more to offer her than being a teenager and that she has grown up to do much more than turn thirteen.

As I think back to Olivia’s life goal, I want to remind every parent of three lessons they need to learn from my sweet Oliva.

Lesson one: respect your child’s perception of goals and achievements—even encourage them.

To seven year-old Olivia, turning thirteen seemed far away, but not so far that it was unreachable. It was also something she viewed as exciting and almost magical. In her eyes, to be thirteen was to be a mature and independent. So when you look at it from that perspective, her goal was every parent’s dream for their child; to be mature and independent.

Lesson two: Your child’s goals for their lives need to be theirs…not yours.

If your little one says he or she is going to be the president someday or is going to have a farm for animals no one wants, who are you to say they won’t? Don’t you think your child is smart enough or compassionate enough or good enough to accomplish what they set their hearts and minds to do? Besides, didn’t you make your own choices?

Lesson three: NEVER dismiss your child’s goals and dreams by making fun of them or by telling your child they are silly or impossible.

That’s like throwing the anchor out without having the other end of the rope tied to the boat. Trust me—this is not something you want to do. Your job as a parent is to instill hope and courage and self-confidence and the belief that they can do anything they set their mind to.

Someone once said that God gives us dreams a size too big so we can grow into them. Don’t keep your children from growing. Their goals and dreams will likely change more times than you can count between now and the time they leave home. But even if they don’t, your job is to love and build them up—not deflate them. 

So while we did tease Olivia a bit, it was not to make fun of her or belittler her. Nor did we do so when she was too young to understand what we were saying and why. She and her siblings knew (and still do) that we believe they can do anything they set their hearts and minds to do.

The question is…do your children know the same?

Love,

Momma D
                                                                             

WARNING: Bad Mom Moment Ahead

Our three oldest children were 6, 3 and 1 when we packed them up and took them from the tiny, but happy place they called home and moved almost 200 miles away because of John’s promotion and to breathe some life back into my family’s farm.

When all was said and done, life happened the way it was supposed to. God knew exactly what he was doing and our family has been blessed beyond measure. But that doesn’t mean the move was without its lumps and bumps and bruises. In fact, one of my biggest ‘parent fails’ took place during this move.

Zach was six and just getting ready to enter first grade. Now when I say ‘just getting ready’, I’m not exaggerating. We arrived in Rolla on Saturday evening and the school year started on Monday. And if that wasn’t enough upheaval for a six year-old, our house/farm were far from being ready to occupy, so we spent the first six weeks living out of suitcases with Granny.

Spending so much time with Granny wasn’t the problem, though. The problem was that not having our own home right away meant that in addition to leaving his home and his friends, Zach also had to leave behind our dog, Maggie and his pony, Casey.

So where does the ‘parent fail’ come in with all of this? Glad you asked. We were so focused on getting the house ready to live in and John had a lot going on in transitioning into his new position that we did not give Zach’s feelings the compassion and TLC they deserved…or that he needed.

I remember even talking to him about the fact that we had sold all our livestock knowing it wasn’t feasible to bring them—saying we would start over when fences were in place, barns were repaired, and so on. As if Maggie and Casey were not more important than cows in a field that could easily be replaced! Talk about a few BAD mom moments! Ouch!

Nothing could change the fact that it simply wasn’t possible to bring Maggie and Casey with us. But I could have handled it a whole lot better than I did.

I’d like to be able to tell you that was the only bad mom moment I had. But I can’t—not truthfully, anyway. What I can say, however, is that from this experience I learned that the feelings of little people matter—they matter a lot. What seems like a little thing to you and I can be breaking their little hearts into a million pieces. As parents we need to take their feelings seriously--making them our own and treat them with the love and care they deserve.

So please, never laugh at your child’s feelings, never tell them it’s ‘no big deal’ or that they need to ‘just get over it’. Listen to them, let them share what is on their heart, let them cry, let them be angry and then talk with them about how to make the situation better.

Love,

Momma D
                                                               
                                                      

 

Chiggers and Blackberries, Crossing the Finish Line, Saying Goodbye and So Much More

“Parenting is about so much more than diapers, Band-Aids, homework and curfews. Parenting is being there; listening, talking, forgiving, asking forgiveness and most of all, loving. I know this to be true because Momma D says it is.”

These are the words directly under the title of this blog. These are my words. These are words I believe with all my heart. I also believe that in order to be this kind of parent you have to experience life with your kids-the good, the bad, the funny, the sad, the beautiful and the ugly…all of it.

Camping, putting up hay, mission’s trips, swimming, working in the greenhouse, crossing the finish line, watching my children pledge their love and life to their spouses, the blessing of becoming a nanna and witnessing the birth of one of my grandchildren, seeing them grow into their adulthood—these are some of the good experiences of life I’ve lived with my children.

Being covered in chiggers after picking blackberries, arguing and fighting over things that really don’t matter, arguing and fighting over things that do matter, having to let them make their own mistakes, making more than a few of my own, misspoken or unspoken words from all our lips—these are some of the bad experiences of life I’ve lived with my children.

Scaling rock cuts in sandals and nice clothes to catch runaway livestock, ‘saving’ one of my kids from the beady-eyed stare of a vulture, countless games of hide-n-seek and program practices at church, farmer’s markets and spending time at the fair, grabbing black Friday bargains, listening to my kids tell me things the grandkids say and do and reminding them of their antics—these are just a few of the fun and humorous experiences I’ve lived with my children.

Saying goodbye to Granny and my dad, going through serious health problems, struggling with the labor pains and beyond-our-control issues of adoption, healing from broken hearts, making changes and choices we don't always understand, and stubborn pride--these are some of the sad and painful experiences I've lived with my children.

See? It's all there--the good, bad, and everything in between. Like it or not, that's the way it's supposed to be. Remember…parenting is listening, talking, forgiving, asking forgiveness, being present, knowing when to act and when not to and most of all, LOVING. So…unless you experience the good, bad, happy, sad, beautiful and ugly of life with children, you cannot truly know who your children are and cannot be a parent who knows what it is to parent from the heart.


Love,
Momma D
                                                                      

Happy Birthday Zach!

I have a mental treasure chest stuffed full of memories, but among the most dear and precious to me is one that happened at 10:52 am on December 31^st, 1982. The memory consists of two simple words repeated to me three times. The words were ‘thank-you’. They were spoken by my husband, John, with tears of joy running down his cheeks the moment the doctor presented us with our first child and only son, John Zachery Noble.

John’s words of thanks for our beautiful, healthy son (and tax deduction) were his own, but they were also an echo from my heart. The echo was equally thankful for a beautiful, healthy baby (and the fact that being ten days late didn’t make my labor very long or hard). J

While the focus of December 31^st in our family is on the fact that it is Zach’s birthday, for most people, the day is traditionally a time of making promises and resolutions to do all sorts of things—or to stop doing all sorts of things. This is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I’m asking…even pleading with you to make the same New Year’s resolution I made for the first time that New Year’s Eve morning in 1982.

The resolution I’m asking you to make? To be thankful every single day for the privilege and blessing of being a parent. You heard me. We should be thankful every single day we can be called Mom or Dad.

Being a parent isn’t easy and it’s not always pleasant, but it is always a privilege to be thankful for.

That being said, I’m thankful Zach was such a happy, pleasant baby. I’m thankful Zach was a little boy who refused to entertain the thought of training wheels (at age 3), a little boy who lovingly cared for his little sisters, who worked side by side with his daddy from the time he could carry a hammer and I’m thankful for the times I was the one he looked for when he crossed the finish line in a track meet or cross-country race. I’m thankful for the dogwood blooms and for the help in the barn when we couldn’t save a ewe in distress of lambing. I’m thankful for the daughter in-law and two precious little girls he has given us.

And yes, I am even thankful for the difficult times—the times most parents experience to some degree or another. I’m thankful for these times because in working through them, we learn what we are made of and what it really means to be thankful for the bond of family now and forever no matter what.

So as you make your resolutions (or not) for this year, live each and every day of 2015 with an attitude of thankfulness that you are a parent.

 Love,

Momma D

                                                                    

Santa Doesn't Play Favorites

The other day I read a letter from a mom to parents everywhere. The letter requested that parents not give their children expensive gifts in the name of Santa Claus. She asked that if parents felt the need to give their children expensive gifts at Christmas time that they let their children know these things are from them; letting Santa give them the smaller, less expensive gifts. The reason for her request was simple—she wanted her children (and millions of others like them) to feel just as loved and valued by Santa as those children who received bigger and better gifts ‘from him’.

You see, this mother’s little girl came home from school the other day feeling less valued and loved than some of the other children in her class. It seems they had been discussing what Santa was going to be bringing and several of the little girl’s classmates were getting a (whole) lot more than she was.

This momma’s heart was breaking when the little girl said, “Does Santa like some kids more than he does others? Does he like _____ more than he likes me?”

When I read this, two things happened.

1)      My heart became heavy. It became heavy for this momma who was faced with repairing her little girl’s belief that she was as precious and valuable as anyone in Santa’s sight. My heart was heavy for the little girl who was made to question her self-worth and who is already aware that to some (many), your value is measured in dollars and cents. My heart was heavy for everyone who is missing what this season is all about.

2)      I could relate. I remember putting a play kitchen on layaway and needing the entire three months to pay that sixty dollars. I remember putting gifts under the tree every Christmas Eve after the kids went to bed while John asked, “Were we able to do it? Are they going to happy when they wake up and see what they got?”
 

As I write this, I find myself recalling many memories of Christmas' past and I realize few of them are about the actual gifts I've received. They are about the people and places I have experienced Christmas with. I am blessed to have a lifetime of Christmas memories and family and friends who understand what Christmas is really all about and it doesn’t have a thing to do with money.

What message are you sending to your children this Christmas? Is it a message that says bunches of presents equals bunches of joy? Or is it a message that says the only present that really matters is one wrapped and given with love?

Merry Christmas,

Momma D
                                                                 

The Real Santa Knows What He's Doing

For several years I had the esteemed honor of taking Mackenzie and Macy to see Santa…the real Santa. Seriously—this guy is the real deal right down to the long white beard and a kind, gentle smile and personality.

The first year Mackenzie was really able to comprehend the whole concept of Santa, though, she said something while we were waiting in line, that reminded me just how important it is we don't cause Santa to give our little ones a false sense of insecurity.
What did she say that led me to think this? Mackenzie said, “Nanna, he’s going to ask Macy and I if we’ve been good, isn’t he?”

“Yes,” I said, “he is. And when he does, you can both tell him you are very good girls because you are two of the best girls in the whole entire world.”

She listened to what I said, smiled and her sweet, sweet smile with a look of relief in her eyes, hugged my leg and turned her attention back to the displays and activities meant to keep the kids occupied while they waited to meet Santa.

Mackenzie’s question wasn’t asked with a great deal of anxiety or dread, but it bothers me that we (we, meaning society in general) have placed the thought in our children’s minds that Santa’s goodness and generosity is performance based. We’ve demoted Santa from the giver of love and good cheer to one who rewards only the ‘good’.

How sad is that! What’s more, if a little child is worried about what a stranger in a red suit and beard thinks of them, what do you think goes through their heads and hearts when you make them feel like they’ve disappointed you and let you down? What impression are you leaving in their tender little hearts and impressionable little minds when you give the impression that your love and respect have to be earned?

Our children don’t ask to be born. We make that decision for them. So the very least we can do is to let them know they don’t have to earn our love any more than they should have to be good in order to have a present or two under the tree on Christmas morning.

Our wait to see Santa was relatively short and both girls climbed up in his lap ready to tell him what they wanted. And you know what? Santa didn’t ask if they’d been good. Instead, he smiled at the girls and said, “I can see you are both very sweet (not good) little girls, so tell me what you’d like for Christmas.”

See, I told you he was the real deal.

Merry Christmas,
Momma D

                                                                    

Freckles and Stars

Last week I was browsing through a popular shopping website checking to see if there were any bargains I couldn’t live without. There weren’t, but I did see something that is forever imprinted in my mind and on my heart—a little girl’s necklace that said,

A little girl without freckles is like a night without stars.

It took all of about a half a heartbeat for images of three year-old Macy to start flashing through my mind. Not only does she have freckles on her little nose and cheeks, but her smile lights up a room (and your heart) at least as much as a sky full of stars lights up the night.

And then I thought of my children, children in-law and Mackenzie, Reuben, Laney and Essie. Each of them has their own unique way(s) of lighting up my heart. None of them is more special than the other or makes my heart any warmer, but each is different and works its ‘magic’ on this mom’s heart in a special way.

As parents we sometimes work so diligently to keep things fair and even between our children that we see them as one instead of the unique and precious individuals they are. We are so careful to ‘prove’ that we don’t have a favorite that we cheat our children out of knowing that each one is the favorite in their own special way.

So go ahead—take the time to let each one of your children know why they are the stars that light up your heart and sky. Let each of them know what your favorite thing(s) about them are. Go ahead…I dare you to make each of your children feel special and let them know they have their own special place in your heart that no one or nothing on earth can replace.

Love,

Momma D

                                                  

Caution: Christmas Carolers Not Welcome

Now that the Christmas season is here, I naturally think back on special memories of things I’ve done with my family and those kids I call mine from the many years spent as a youth director at church. There are literally enough memories to fill a book (or two), but one that is particularly special because it still makes me laugh is one that involves caroling and a nursing home…

It was Saturday morning and the other youth director and I were taking a fairly good-sized group of elementary and middle-school kids caroling at the nursing homes in our community. The first stop we made was to the home where a couple of our elderly church members were living, so we planned to make their rooms our first stop. But when we walked into the building we found the lobby full of residents so we decided to brighten their morning with our cheery voices. And so we sang. We sang Up on the Housetop, Joy to the World, Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, Silent Night and of course, we finished with a hearty rendition of We Wish You a Merry Christmas.
As soon as we finished the last note of our final song, one of women in the room who was sitting in front of the television, turned to the woman sitting next to her and said (in a loud voice), “I’m glad those *$*# kids stopped singing. I couldn’t hear the television.”

I am laughing as I write because I can still see the looks of shock on their faces. This was immediately followed by one-syllable comments of “Wha?”, “Huh?” “Uhhhh” which was then followed by pursed lips trying to hold in giggles. It didn’t work. But that was probably because I was laughing, too.

We quickly regained our composure and left the room to sing for those we felt sure would be more appreciative. As we walked, down the hallway, the kids started talking about what had happened…

“Did she really mean that?”

“No, I don’t think so. Old people are just like that sometimes.”

“Why didn’t she like our singing?”

“Who knows? Maybe she has bad memories of Christmas or maybe she’s sad because no one comes to see her.”

“Or maybe she’s just a grouch.”

“Maybe...probably.”

“You think?”

“Oh, well, we didn’t mean to make her mad. Besides, it’s the thought that counts.”

“That’s right. We meant well.”

They meant well. Their intentions were as pure as pure could be—to bring joy to elderly people at Christmas time—and no matter how it was perceived by some (or one), that really was what mattered. After making sure they understood they had done nothing wrong and that one person’s response should not keep them from trying to make people smile, we continued caroling and had a great time doing so.

But as I think about that day now, I also think about how many times as parents we take our children’s actions at face value rather than looking to the heart of the matter and their intentions.

When they cook breakfast and set the toaster on fire do we only see burned toast or do we see an act of service out of love?

When we have to corral a run-away llama do we see a hassle or do we see a child who was trying to do extra chores because she wanted to help out more? (My kids know what I’m talking about.)

When the orange towels fade onto white t-shirts, do we see a child that is trying to do more than they are capable of or do we see a child trying to help out while you are sick in bed with the flu?

Are you getting the message here?

Our children are not perfect. Sometimes they make messes and mistakes in the process of doing something with the purest and best of intentions to help…serve…love.

The question is this: Do we see past the mess and into their heart or do we leave the impression that we are just waiting for our children to ‘stop singing so we can hear the television’?

Love,

Momma D

 

                                                                  

 

 

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving from Momma D and the rest of the Noble family. I hope you are taking this time to make some sweet and lasting memories with the ones you call your own. I know I am.


Love,
Momma D