You Can't Judge a Listener by His (or Her) Actions

Earlier this year I was doing a presentation on WWII, based on my book, “All my love, George” for a group of middle schoolers. It was a great group of kids—very attentive and full of questions and comments  

At the end of the presentation I always invite the kids to come up to get a closer look at the original letters the book is based on and other WWII memorabilia that belonged to George. When twelve year-old Levi came up to the table he handed me a piece of paper and said, “I drew this for you while you were talking to us because I know this happened during WWII, too.”

I’d noticed Levi writing or doodling during most of the time I was there, but it didn’t bother me. He wasn’t being disruptive, so what was the harm? I just assumed my presentation wasn’t his ‘thing’. But when I reached out to take the paper from him, it was obvious my assumptions were wrong. I was blown away by the drawing he handed me. It was a drawing of the flag raising at Iwo Jima. I’m not talking about a few scribbles and stick people. It is amazing!

From all appearances Levi had completely tuned me out, but he hadn’t. Just the opposite was true. He was listening as intently as anyone else in the room…maybe even more than some.

As parents you need to be aware of the fact that like Levi, your children’s listening ability may not be dependent on constant eye-contact and what you consider to be their full attention. Children often have the ability to multi-task without compromising their comprehension

Judging a listener by his or her actions isn’t fair. And much of the time it’s not even justifiable. So before you accuse your child of not paying attention to you or of ignoring you, make sure you know what you are talking about. Instead of assuming, ask them to repeat what you’ve said or answer a question about what you’ve said. That way you’ll know for sure and who knows…you might even end up with an amazing drawing like I did.

Love,

Momma D

PS: My book, “Love, Momma D” is now available in print and e-reader formats from any online or brick and mortar book seller. When you purchase a copy of the book, 20% goes to the MY PEOPLE FUND to help the people of Gatlinburg rebuild their lives.

                            Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                         

                                                                                                                          

A Deer For My Mommy

How many times have you sat and watched a movie with your kids—one with a good dose of ‘hidden’ adult humor (clean and otherwise). We assume these comments fly right over the top of our kids’ heads. They don’t get it…or do they?

We pack up our kids and move them to a new house or even city without giving their thoughts and feelings much thought. After all, kids are resilient. They roll with the punches…or do they?

 In other words, kids have a lot more going on in their little heads than we often give them credit for and they are a lot more in-tune to what you are thinking and feeling than you think they are. Oh—and here’s something else you need to know…they care.

I was reminded of how true this is a few weeks ago when my four year-old grandson Reuben, ‘reached out’ to his mom to try to make her feel better…

I need to start by saying that deer hunting is a big deal in my family, but this year’s unusually warm, windy season made it more difficult for hunting than usual. In other words, Reuben’s mom, Olivia, didn’t get her deer. After she had been home from the hunting trip for a couple of days, Reuben asked his mom if she ‘found a deer in the woods’. After hearing her answer of “no”, Reuben got up off the floor and went to his room to play. Or so Olivia thought…

A short while later Reuben came back into the living room carrying a ‘deer’ made of Lego blocks and said, “Now you have a deer, Mommy. I made one for you.”

It wasn’t like Olivia was heartbroken or devastated over not getting a deer this year. That’s just the way it goes. But Reuben doesn’t know that yet. All he knows is that his mommy’s trip didn’t turn out the way she expected or hoped it would and he wanted to make her feel better.

So you see, your kids are conscious of what’s going on around them—conscious and concerned. That’s why it is important for us as parents and grandparents to be equally conscious and concerned about what we expose our children to, how we express ourselves, and our expectations of how they will handle it all.

Love,

Momma D

                            Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                      

The Makings Of A Real Princess

Several years ago a friend of mine, whose little girl received countless compliments on her pretty curls and big brown eyes, actually started ‘correcting’ people when they said things like, “I bet you can get anything you want when you look at someone with those big brown eyes” or “You sure are a pretty little girl." When people said these things, my friend would smile and politely say, “Thank you, but we're really happy she’s such a good listener and helper”, or “She’s also very good girl and that’s what makes her so special.”

I’ve always admired her wisdom in doing that. I’ve also had several reasons to think about what she’s said; including one that happened just a few days ago…

My three year-old granddaughter, Laney, and four year-old niece, Alexis, were having a discussion about who was going to be the queen or princess. When Alexis said she thought she should be the queen, Laney quickly countered with, “I am the queen because I am wearing a very beautiful dress.” Laney’s line of reasoning must have made sense to Alexis, too, because there was no more discussion on the matter and they went right on playing.

The incident was completely innocent and logical as far as Laney and Alexis were concerned. After all, why wouldn’t it make sense? Belle wears yellow, Cinderella wears blue, Sleeping Beauty wears pink, Elsa wears blue, and Merida wears green. Different colors, yes, but they are all fancy and “very beautiful” dresses. But parents, let’s think about something: is that the perception you want your little girls to have when it comes to what it takes to make a princess? And do you want your little boys to think the way a little girl looks is what matters most? Or…

Would you rather your little ones know our ‘princess-ness’ comes from the inside out? Now I’m not saying little girls shouldn’t play princess or dress up like Cinderella and her cohorts (my personal favorite is Merida, if anyone cares). As a matter of fact, each and every one of these colorfully-dressed young ladies can easily and truthfully be described as beautiful on the inside as well as the outside. Belle sees beyond someone’s appearance and looks straight into their heart. Cinderella’s gentle and kind spirit is what makes her so endearing, and Merida’s determination to be recognized for her courage and her intellect take her farther than even she thought possible.

So again—there’s nothing wrong with playing dress-up, wanting to look nice, or even wearing a “very beautiful dress”. Nothing at all…as long as you never fail to impress on your children that these things are just the icing on the cake, so to speak, and that the makings of a real princess are first and foremost, love, courage, truth, kindness, and compassion.

Love,

Momma D

                               Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                                

                

Thankful For Each Day I Am Called Mom

If you don’t keep up with me on Facebook and Twitter, you might not know that the book, “Love, Momma D”, which is a collection of several of Momma D’s blog posts over the past few years, is due to be released the middle of December (just in time for Christmas).

I was sharing this information with a young mom I spoke to a few days ago at a book signing for one of my other books, which lead to some great conversation. She asked me a few questions about the blog and book and then asked why I chose to write about parenting. It didn’t take me more than a second or two to answer her by saying, “Because our kids deserve the very best we can give them in unconditional love and I want every parent to know that.”

As I was saying those words, my mind immediately went to the post I wrote a couple of years ago called “It’s A Great Day To Be Alive”. I won’t retell the entire story, but in celebration of Thanksgiving, I'll sum it up in just a few sentences by saying:

·         Four year-old Emma was singing Travis Tritt’s It’s a Great Day to be Alive at the top of her lungs…and believed in her heart it truly was.

·         As I listened to her I was thankful she felt that way and hoped and prayed she and my other three children would always know that every day is a great day to be alive when you have the love of God, family, and friends to count on.

·         As parents we need to make sure that our children know that every day is a great day to be alive because of the fact that they are unique and cherished.

We also need to remind ourselves each and every day of how thankful we should be for the blessing of being called Mom and Dad because it’s the absolute best gig there is.

Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours,

Momma D

                           Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                        

How NOT To Raise Your Kids

I recently read an article that focused on what parents are doing wrong these days when it comes to raising their children. It was well-written and spot-on and I want expound on one of the seven reasons they listed as being the reason children are turning out to be brats (their word, but an accurate one). Reason: Quit bending over backwards trying to make your kids happy. Instead, teach your children that happiness is a state of mind. 

Quit apologizing for telling your kids ‘no’ (if you even dare to say it at all). Children need to be told no. They don’t need to get their way all the time. They don’t need to get everything they want. They need to know that ‘no’ is word that makes them more compassionate, kinder, safer, humble, and nicer. 

Quit instantly satisfying their every whim and want. They don’t need to be pacified at all cost while waiting in line. They need to learn to wait patiently. They don’t need to expect you to whip through the drive-thru every time they mutter that they are thirsty. They won’t dehydrate. Unless it is an actual emergency, finish what you are doing before retrieving a toy, getting their snack, tying their shoe, etc.. They need to learn to wait their turn. 

Quit promising treats in exchange for desired behavior. They need to know good behavior is expected—not something you earn from them if you pay up. 

Apologizing for discipline, pacifying their want (NOT their need) for instant gratification, and placing conditions on their behavior are all sure-fire ways to turn a perfectly wonderful little person into a little person who is selfish, spoiled, entitled, lacking in compassion, and feeling incredibly insecure. That’s right—insecure. Children raised in this type of environment will never feel respected or accepted by people who don’t bend over backwards to make them happy (which is everyone other than their parents) and will be severely lacking in knowing how to have a real and sincere relationship. 

If you think that sounds too harsh, you’ll get no apologies here. What I am sorry for, though, are all the kids out there who don’t know that “No means no” because it’s a lesson they need to know in order to be able to navigate life successfully.

Love,
Momma D

                        Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                  

I Made A New Friend!!!!!

A couple of years ago Mackenzie decided to play soccer. Sadly, I was unable to make it to the first game of the season, so I called her that evening to see how it went. When she came to the phone I asked, “How did your soccer games go today?” Without missing a beat she replied, “I made a new friend!” She then proceeded to tell me her new friend’s name and a few other pertinent details including that they were both born in the month of July. 

I can’t even begin to tell you how proud I was of Mackenzie's answer to my question because her answer revealed her true heart—a heart that is more concerned about friendship and the socialization aspects of being 8 and playing soccer than she was about winning. To Mackenzie, being on a soccer team was about making friends AND learning to play with her peers instead always being the winner and of getting a head start on being in line for a college scholarship. 

Parents, if reading this starts your head to nodding and has you saying things like “That’s the way it should be” or “Good job, Mackenzie”, keep up the great work!

If, on the other hand, reading this causes you to shake your head, cringe, and say things like, “If she’s not going to play to win, she shouldn’t even be playing”, or “I’m glad she’s not on my kid’s team”, then shame on you.

First of all, having great social skills and caring more about people than winning is something every parent should want for their kids. Secondly, eight year-old sports teams shouldn’t really be about anything but learning how to be a team-player and how to be a gracious winner and looser. And lastly, college should be the last thing on your mind regarding your eight year-old. Enjoy your kids for who they are now. Don’t miss their childhood by focusing on the future. Trust me when I say that the time passes way too fast without any help from you. 

The bottom line here is this: Friends are way more important that winning a game of soccer…no matter how old you are. And as a parent, it’s your job to let your kids know it’s perfectly okay for them to feel this way. It’s also job for your kids to see you feel the same way. 

Love,

Momma D
                                Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.
                                                                                                                               

Something Worth Holding On To

If I had a dime for every time I’ve said one of the following to my kids or grandkids, I’d be a very wealthy woman and I’m sure I wouldn’t be alone because you’d be counting your dimes right along with me.

·         Hold my hand—parking lots are dangerous

·         You have to hold my hand so you don’t get lost

·         If you let go of your balloon we won’t be able to get it back

·         Don’t drop that

·         Make sure you hang on to your book bag so you don’t lose it

·         Hold on tight

As parents we’re all about making sure our kids have a good grip on the tangible things they need to stay safe, have a good time, and learn to be responsible. But what about giving them the emotional/mental/spiritual security they need? Are we as concerned about giving them something to hold on to in that regard as we should be?

For the last few weeks I’ve been sharing with you some of the life-lessons my children said they learned from me. This week’s lesson is the last one I’ll be sharing, but it’s an important one, to be sure. The lesson: The importance of giving your children faith and values.

One of my daughters put it like this, “I loved the way we all took turns praying at the table. It was a way for us to know we all need Jesus.”

Another one of my daughters said, “You taught me how to teach my daughter to know and love Jesus. You didn’t just tell us—you showed us what it really means.”

Giving your children a set of values and a faith to hold on to is important—even scientists and child psychologists agree on this one. Numerous studies show that children whose parents raise them in a home where religion/faith and strong moral character is both practiced and taught are decidedly more confident, possess better social skills, and are overall, more likely to grow up to be law-abiding, compassionate, responsible members of society.

We don’t hesitate to make sure we give our children the hand they need to hold on to when they are too small to navigate parking lots, shopping malls, grocery stores, and crosswalks by themselves, so why not finish the job and make sure we give them what they need to safely navigate life in general?

Love,

Momma D

                             Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                            

Everyone Deserves Kindness

When asked what they had learned from me, all of the kids had something to say in regards to learning to treat others the way you want to be treated. As I thought about some of the ways I had tried to teach them this lesson, many things came to mind, but one incident especially stands out in my mind of how I exampled this attitude to Zach when he was a six year-old little boy who was fiercely protective of his (then) two baby sisters…

Zach was six, Elizabeth was three and Olivia was just over a year-old the day we walked into the grocery store and were ‘confronted’ by an elderly woman who was well-known in our small town. Her name was “Virgie”, and in addition to suffering from dementia, she was living in poverty, completely alone, wandered around town all day long talking to whoever would give her a minute or two of their day. On this particular day "Virgie" was living in the part of her past that included small children. When she saw Olivia in the cart, she took her out quicker than I could bat an eye, and began to pat her back and rock her gently back and forth saying, “You’re my sweet baby. Isn’t my baby sweet?” while I was tying Elizabeth’s shoe.

It took only a second for me to realize Olivia wasn’t scared and that Virgie wasn’t going anywhere. In fact, Olivia was completely unaffected, but nevertheless, I quickly and gently proceeded to take Olivia back while agreeing with “Virgie” that yes, she was a sweet and beautiful baby. Zach, on the other hand, was not nearly as calm or forgiving of the intrusion.

“She’s not your baby, she’s our baby,” he repeated two or three times. “Tell her, Mom, Olivia is our baby. She needs to give her back.”

The whole incident lasted no more than a couple of minutes, but it was time enough to provide a HUGE ‘teachable moment’ and I didn’t want to mess it up. So once Olivia was back in my arms, I moved the kids away from "Virgie" and reassured them  that I wouldn’t have ever allowed her to hurt Olivia. I told them I knew she wasn’t going to because she really did think Olivia was her baby. Elizabeth accepted my words without much comment, but when I asked Zach if he understood, he said something to the effect of “You didn’t want to hurt that lady’s feelings because that's not nice and because you didn’t want her to hurt Olivia.”

Yes, that was pretty much it. In not lashing out at "Virgie" I taught my young son that no one is undeserving of being treated the way we want to be treated. Or in this case, the way I wanted my loved one to be treated.

I knew “Virgie” was harmless and that she posed no risk to my daughter, so by not ‘going off’ on her that day I was able to give her a brief moment of the joy of memories past AND teach the kids what kindness to strangers looks like. I know this isn’t always the case—that we most definitely need to teach our children the whole stranger-danger ‘thing’. But I also know that equally important is our job to be consciously and deliberately teaching our children that everyone deserves to be respected and treated the way we want to be treated…even people who are different from us, because we never know when extending that kind of kindness might be the brightest spot in their day.

Love,

Momma D

                             Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

                                                                                                                                

We Need More 4x4 Kids and Fewer TV Kids

A few days ago my son, Zach, shared something with me that goes right along with ‘theme’ of sharing with you the life-lessons he and his sisters say they learned from me. This week’s lesson: Hard work never hurt anyone. Here’s what happened…

A worker was repairing the county water district’s broken waterline that runs along some of Zach’s pasture. Zach and five year-old Macy arrived to check the cows and Macy was driving the 4x4.

(For those of you who don’t know what a 4x4 is, it’s an ATV with four wheels. You might know them as gators or pioneers. Or if you can’t relate to that, think golf cart on steroids.) Anyway…

When Zach and Macy stopped to check on the status of the waterline repair, the worker commented that he thought Macy was way too young to be driving the 4x4. Zach smiled and assured the man that she was fine and that they had the situation under control. This didn’t satisfy the guy, though, and he continued to tell Zach why he thought she shouldn’t be doing that. Zach then said, “I suppose you think she’d be better off inside watching television or playing computer games.” The man replied that those things would be safer and better than what she was doing.

At this point Zach told the man he didn’t agree—that he thought the world could use a whole lot more kids on 4x4s instead of having so many kids glued to a screen. He went on to let the man know that he was capable of keeping his daughter safe, that they were making memories together and that equally important was the fact that Macy was learning how to work. And then they went back to doing the job they’d come to do.

A strong work-ethic was something we engraved on the hearts and minds of our children. Our children had chores to do and they were expected to help out on the farm. They were required to buy their own vehicles, insurance, gas, and the ‘family plan’ portion of the cell phone bill. They also worked to pay for their college educations.

Why? Because hard work never hurt anyone and when you work for what you have you have a greater appreciation and respect for those things. Learning the life-lesson of a strong work-ethic snuffs out the diseases of entitlement and laziness—something I see all too often in the current generation of young people.

Macy and her sister Mackenzie have chores to do and are expected to help out on the farm just like their daddy and their aunts did. Why? Because Zach knows hard work never hurt anyone and he wants to make sure his girls know that, too.

I hope you will teach your children to know the same.

Love,

Momma D

                             Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.

Momma and Her Dust Mop

My kids were the fifth generation of my family to call our farm ‘home’. Our house was old, it had its share of creaks and squeaks, but it was that homey kind of comfortable that made it so special Well, except for the tiny closets. That was...not fun. But what does this have to do parenting? Keep reading and you’ll find out. 

A few years ago I asked my now-adult children what life-lessons they’d learned from me. One of my daughters said she’d finally learned why keeping a clean house was so important. I actually laughed out-loud when I read this, because I cannot even begin to count the times I got made fun of by John and the kids for dust mopping the floors a few times a day and being the mom that, at the end of the day, had a place for everything and everything in its place.

Hey, when you farm and have kids running in and out of the house all day stuff just naturally gets tracked inside and I’m still not apologizing for wanting to be able to walk around the house on clean floors. So when they made fun of me and gave me a hard time I told them they’d really have something to complain about it I didn’t keep the floors clean, and then kept right on dusting.

And with all the toys, books, and ‘stuff’ that goes along with having four kids, the house would have been in a constant state of chaos had I not made sure everything had a place to 'land' at the end of the day.  I also knew I was doing a lot more than just keeping the house neat and clean. I knew I was...

·         Giving my family a place where they could rest comfortably

·         Giving my family a soft and safe place to call home after being confronted by the chaos of work, school, and the world in general

·         Teaching my kids to take pride (the good kind) in themselves and their surroundings because it is a reflection of who they are on the inside

·         Teaching my kids to respect what it took for John to provide for us and respect for my role as a homemaker

·         Teaching my kids to respect personal property

·         Teaching my kids to be responsible 

·         Teaching my kids to be respectful of the rights and feelings of others

·         Teaching my kids to be cooperative and to be team-players

·         Teaching my kids that being organized makes life less stressful (they never had to dig through piles of anything to find what they needed yesterday)

Yes, I knew what I was doing, even if they didn’t. Not yet, anyway. And even though I’ve had to bite my tongue a few times to keep from saying “I told you so,” I can’t tell you how nice it is to know that after all these years and all that dusting and sweeping, and picking up and putting away, they finally get it. 

So, even though you may think what you say and do is going in one ear and out the other or flying right over the tops of their little heads, I can tell you for sure and for certain that your children are absorbing more than you think they are. So don’t give up. Keep on teaching those life-lessons by doing what you know is best and being the kind of person you want your kids to be and someday just like me you’ll be biting your tongue to keep from saying, “I told you so!”

Love,

Momma D

                          Copyright 2016 Darla Noble. No part of this can be used or copied without permission from the author.